My WrestleMania 33, according to TEW 2016

In case you weren’t satisfied with the real WrestleMania 33.

WrestleMania 33 has come by and gone quicker than you can say “Sable deserves to be in the WWE Hall of Fame”. But if you’re looking for some more Mania fun slash shenanigans, then I simulated my own version of WrestleMania 33 on my TEW 2016 simulator. Read below for the results of the show.

Welcome to WidowMania 33!

PRE-SHOW
Pre-Show Match 1:
Smackdown Live – Sami Zayn vs. Samoa Joe
Samoa Joe has had a problem with the success of former Intercontinental Champion Sami Zayn, resulting in unpredictable attacks on the redhaired fan-favourite. Sami has fought back against the Destroyer, and the two looked to settle their differences at the Grandest Stage of Them All.
WINNER: Samoa Joe via pinfall

Pre-Show Match 2:
Raw – Alberto Del Rio vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Ever since Shinsuke debuted on the Raw roster, Alberto has taken exception to the strong fan following of the Japanese superstar. Nakamura defeated Del Rio in his main roster debut, but Del Rio wasn’t about to let the same mistake happen again.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio via pinfall

Pre-Show Match 3:
Interbrand – The Fabulous Moolah Memorial Battle Royal
Following the success of the first ever Women’s Rumble, WWE gave the inaugural Fabulous Moolah Memorial Battle Royal the greenlight, the female counterpart to the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Superstars from Raw and Smackdown Live will compete to see who would be the first trophy holder.
WINNER: Nikki Bella from Smackdown Live

Pre-Show Match 4:
Interbrand – The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
The Raw roster had banded together for this battle royal to make sure one of their guys won the trophy, even with lingering problems between them. The Smackdown Live roster were looking to make sure that both trophies came to the blue brand.
WINNER: Braun Strowman from Raw

MAIN CARD
Match 1:
Smackdown Live – Smackdown Tag Team Champions The Usos (Jey Uso and Jimmy Uso) vs. The Revival (Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson) vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian) vs. Breezango (Fandango and Tyler Breeze) in a four-way elimination match for the Smackdown Tag Team Championships
The Usos were the inaugural Smackdown Tag Team Champions, and are now in their second reign after defeating Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan. The Smackdown tag team division want to put up a credible challenge to the Samoan champions in this elimination-style match.
WINNERS: The Usos via pinfall over the Revival to retain the Smackdown Tag Team Championships; Bad Influence were first eliminated, followed by Breezango

Match 2:
Raw – Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens
Former best friends turned bitter enemies go into battle as Y2J takes on KO. This incredibly physical rivalry will finally culminate at WrestleMania after many backstage assaults and in-ring brawls.
WINNER: Chris Jericho via pinfall

Match 3:
Smackdown Live – Shane McMahon vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Brandi Rhodes
Cody Rhodes feels that Smackdown Live Commissioner Shane McMahon has been treating him unfairly, and took his frustrations out on him. Thinking he wouldn’t retaliate, Rhodes was surprised when McMahon fought back, and challenged him to a match at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Cody Rhodes via pinfall after a distraction from Brandi

Match 4:
Raw – United States Champion Finn Balor vs. Cesaro vs. Sheamus vs. Neville for the United States Championship
Currently the longest reigning champion in WWE, Finn Balor has beaten every challenger thrown his way. Now facing three formidable opponents, the Irish champion looks to retain his championship at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Finn Balor via pinfall on Neville to retain the United States Championship

Match 5:
Smackdown Live – The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan) vs. Zack Sabre Jr. and Dolph Ziggler in a Steel Cage Elimination Match
Dolph’s problems with the Wyatts looked to hinder him as the numbers worked against him, so he called in back-up in the form of main roster debuting Zack Sabre Jr. Bray now has his opponents trapped in a steel cage with no escape, and Rowan is more than happy to serve his master.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via pinfall on Bray Wyatt; Erick Rowan was first eliminated, followed by Zack Sabre Jr.

Match 6:
Raw – Raw Women’s Champion Sasha Banks vs. AJ Lee vs. Eve Torres vs. Charlotte Flair for the Raw Women’s Championship
The Boss has shown a different side of her recently, turning her back on the WWE Universe. After a triple threat match between AJ, Torres and Flair ended in a no contest, Stephanie McMahon declared that Sasha would defend her title in a fatal four way.
WINNER: Eve Torres via pinfall on Sasha Banks to become the New Raw Women’s Champion

Match 7:
Smackdown Live – Ryback w/ Smackdown Women’s Champion Eva Marie vs. Randy Orton
When John Cena defeated Ryback and Randy Orton to become the no#1 contender for the World Championship, Ryback blamed Orton for the loss and took out his anger on the Apex Predator. The two main eventers will finally clash at WrestleMania, with the devious and cunning Smackdown Women’s Champion Eva Marie on the outside.
WINNER: Randy Orton via pinfall

Match 8:
Raw – Raw Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) vs. Avalon (Hugo Knox and Jon Cutler) w/ Satisfaction vs. The Club (Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows) vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass for the Raw Tag Team Championships in a four-way ladder match
The Dudley Boyz have reigned supreme on their division for the past four months, and with the debut of Satisfaction’s new team in Hugo Knox and Jon Cutler, the Raw tag team division looks to shake up, culminating in this high-stakes ladder match.
WINNERS: The Dudley Boyz via title retrieval to retain the Raw Tag Team Championships

Match 9
Smackdown Live – Intercontinental Champion Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose for the Intercontinental Championship
Dean Ambrose defeated the Miz to become the #1 contender for the Intercontinental Championship, and Baron Corbin looked to injure the Lunatic Fringe and make sure he didn’t make it to WrestleMania. But Ambrose is here, and looks to take the title from Corbin once and for all.
WINNER: Baron Corbin via pinfall to retain the Intercontinental Championship

Match 10
Raw – Brock Lesnar w/ Sable vs. Bobby Roode
When Bobby Roode first challenged Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, the Beast Incarnate and his wife Sable thought it was a joke. Roode wouldn’t take no for an answer, and got into a verbal war with Sable until she finally accepted on Brock’s behalf. Beating Roode in tag team contests, Lesnar was confident he would make short work of Roode at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Bobby Roode via pinfall

Match 11
Smackdown Live – Smackdown Women’s Champion Eva Marie vs. Paige for the Smackdown Women’s Championship
Eva Marie has managed to avoid the women of the Smackdown Live by using her client Ryback to her advantage, faking injuries, and choosing to defend her title in Bra and Panties matches. Then-Raw superstar Paige won the first ever Women’s Rumble, and crossed over to Smackdown to shut up Eva Marie for good. With Ryback banned from ringside, how will Eva Marie fare on her own?
WINNER: Paige via pinfall to become the New Smackdown Women’s Champion

Match 12
Raw – Roman Reigns vs. Triple H w/ Stephanie McMahon
Triple H cost Roman Reigns a shot at the Universal Championship when he distracted Roman in the Royal Rumble long enough for Seth to capitalise and toss him out. Roman is out for revenge, and the Cerebral Assassin is more than happy to give him what he wants.
WINNER: Roman Reigns via pinfall

Match 13
Smackdown Live – World Champion AJ Styles vs. John Cena for the World Championship
AJ Styles has been a fighting champion, defeating the likes of Samoa Joe, Dean Ambrose, Ryback and Randy Orton to retain his gold. John Cena has beaten AJ before, and challenged AJ to one more match at WrestleMania to see who is truly the Face that Runs the Place.
WINNER: AJ Styles via pinfall to retain the World Championship

Match 14
Raw – Universal Champion CM Punk vs. Seth Rollins w/ Satisfaction for the Universal Championship
After winning the Royal Rumble thanks to Triple H, it was no surprise that Seth Rollins bid his time to strike on the new Universal Champion in CM Punk. With only a short title reign under his belt, the Straight Edge Superstar looks to continue his run by defeating the 2017 Royal Rumble winner in the main event at WrestleMania.
WINNER: Seth Rollins via pinfall to become the New Universal Champion

Yeah. Pretty sure my Mania was better than the real one. Soz Roman.

– by Noah La’ulu

My Wrestlemania 30, according to TEW 2013

I have enough time to pretend to run a wrestling company and run this site. I must be Superman.

TEW 2013, or Total Extreme Wrestling 2013 for those of you who aren’t in the know, is a wrestling simulator where the player can choose to book or totally own his/her own wrestling company. At first, with the default database, players can choose from fictitious wrestling companies with cartoonified wrestling personalities.

If you download the right database, of course, then you can run (or pretend to run) real life companies such as WWE and TNA. Me? I’ve been a WWE guy all my life.

How would Wrestlemania 30 have turned out if main evented by Daniel Bryan and CM Punk? (SOURCE: Miguel Discart's Flickr photostream)

How would Wrestlemania 30 have turned out if main evented by Daniel Bryan and CM Punk? (SOURCE: Miguel Discart’s Flickr photostream)

We all know what happened at the REAL Wrestlemania 30 – Daniel Bryan beating Triple H and then going on to beat Randy Orton and Batista to become the underdog World Heavyweight Champ – but that wasn’t my Wrestlemania 30. In fact, while it had its similarities, it was far from my Wrestlemania 30.

Now, as a way to fill space on my website, I present to you… Noah’s Wrestlemania 30!

Wrestlemania 30 Match card (in order of appearance):
Pre-show
Eddie Edwards wins a 30-man over-the-top-rope battle royal in his debut match
The Bella Twins (Brie and Nikki) (c) defeated Aksana and Tamina to retain the WWE Divas Tag Team Championships
Davey Richards (w/ Satisfaction) defeated Alberto Del Rio and Mike Bennett (w/ Eva Marie) in a triple-threat match
Kaitlyn won a Divas Battle Royal

Main card
Match #1
Randy Orton w/ Stacy Keibler vs. Christian
Ever since costing him a World title opportunity, Christian has had it in for Randy Orton. The two men had embroiled in several unsanctioned brawls and beatdowns and they were finally given the chance to settle their differences at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Randy Orton

Match #2
The Kings of Wrestling (Antonio Cesaro and Kassius Ohno) (c) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins) vs. Brute Force (Jon Cutler and Mason Ryan) w/ Satisfaction vs. The Briscoes (Jay and Mark Briscoe) w/ Audrey Marie for the WWE Tag Team Championships
The Kings of Wrestling were praised when they defeated Ryback and manager Satisfaction for the WWE Tag Team Championships. Unhappy with this, Satisfaction set Brute Force after them. Meanwhile, the Briscoes and the Shield had gotten into their own rivalry and it was decided that all four teams would battle it out for the gold.
Winner: The Kings of Wrestling

Match #3
Dolph Ziggler vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Charlotte
Dolph Ziggler showed why he is dubbed “Mr Steal Your Girl” after pursuing Cody Rhodes’ girlfriend, Charlotte Flair. Rhodes didn’t take too kindly to this and began physically tormenting Ziggler. The two men were given the opportunity to duke it out at Wrestlemania with the devious Charlotte at ringside.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Match #4
Kelly Kelly (c) vs. AJ Lee vs. Natalya w/ Blade Hart vs. Angelina Love for the WWE Divas Championship
Kelly Kelly had been a fighting champion ever since winning the Divas title back at the Royal Rumble. Kelly made a tag team pact with Angelina to fight off AJ Lee and Natalya at Elimination Chamber, but soon it was every woman for herself. Alliances were broken and every Diva knew that their could only be ONE Divas Champion.
Winner: AJ Lee (NEW Divas Champion)

Match #5
The Undertaker vs. The Big Show vs. The Miz
The Big Show and the Miz had been arguing over who was going to get the shot at Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak, feuding all the way from late December to early April. An executive decision was made that both men would get their shot Undertaker in a triple threat match.
Winner: The Undertaker

Match #6
Roman Reigns (c) vs. Novakaine w/ Satisfaction for the WWE United States Championship
Roman Reigns made a big name for himself after breaking away from the Shield, his biggest victory coming when he defeated the seemingly unstoppable Novakaine for the US title. It wasn’t long before Satisfaction had sicked Novakaine on his rival, telling his client to win the United States gold back at any cost.
Winner: Roman Reigns

Match #7
Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Sheamus vs. Adrian Neville vs. Wade Barrett vs. Ted DiBiase vs. Jack Swagger w/ Zeb Colter in a six-pack challenge for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Kofi Kingston, Adrian Neville, Wade Barrett and Ted DiBiase had been quarreling over the Intercontinental Championship for quite some time, while Sheamus and Jack Swagger attempted to settle their own differences as well. It was decided that Sheamus and Swagger would join the fight for the gold in a six-pack challenge where the winner takes all.
Winner: Jack Swagger (NEW Intercontinental Champion)

Match #8
The Rock vs. Ryback w/ Satisfaction in a Last Man Standing Match
Ryback and his handler, Satisfaction, had been a thorn in the Rock’s side in the past few months. After suffering a loss against Ryback at Wrestlemania 29 in a triple threat also featuring John Cena, the Rock was looking for revenge, especially after the hellish torment at the hands of Satisfaction.
Winner: The Rock

Match #9
John Cena (c) vs. Batista vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
John Cena had been a fighting champion ever since beating the conniving Chris Jericho. After a brutal attack at the hands of Brock Lesnar, it seemed as if Cena had met his match… until Batista inserted himself into the picture. It was decided by the power that be that Cena would defend his title against both men in a triple threat.
Winner: John Cena

Match #10
Eva Marie vs. Lacey Von Erich in a Playboy Pillowfight match
It was only a matter of time for “Red Hot” Eva Marie to land the cover of Playboy. It wasn’t until she began rubbing it in everyone’s faces that Lacey Von Erich took exception to it. The two beautiful Divas had been clawing at each other ever since – even involving Eva’s boyfriend Mike Bennett and Lacey’s cousins Ross and Marshall – and were set to fight it out at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Eva Marie

Match #11
CM Punk (c) vs. Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship
It was a true underdog Cinderella story for Daniel Bryan. After winning a 40-man Royal Rumble, Bryan kept his decision to himself as he fended off then-rival Cody Rhodes. After stating that he would chase Punk’s WWE Championship, the two ring technicians would collide at the main event of Wrestlemania.
Winner: Daniel Bryan (NEW WWE Champion)

Mine’s A LOT better than the real one, isn’t it?

– by Noah La’ulu

Review: Divergent

Firstly, I’d like to make a quick shout out to my brother William who turned 23 on Friday! As tradition suggests, we had to do whatever he wanted, and that included watching the movie adaptation of Divergentfeaturing my not so favourite actress, Shailene Woodley. I’m sorry but her character on Secret Life was irritating. #justsaying

Divergent was originally a novel written by Veronica Roth. (SOURCE: Naud/'s Flickr photostream)

Divergent was originally a novel written by Veronica Roth. (SOURCE: Naud/’s Flickr photostream)

Divergent tells the story of a post-war America that has a very specific but detailed way of living: inside their gated, unharmed-by-war community, the people live in five different factions: Abnegation, for those who are selfless; Erudite, for the brainy; Amity, for the peaceful hippies; Candor, for the sometimes-brutally honest; and Dauntless, for the brave and reckless. If you are not fortunate enough to fit in a faction, you are deemed “factionless”, which basically means you are dirty and homeless.

The film follows a young lady named Beatrice (later named “Tris”, as if that was a good idea), who was born in and lives with her family in Abnegation. Once people hit a certain age or stage of life, they are tested to see which faction they most fit, although they are given the choice to choose their own faction regardless of the test. Beatrice goes to get her test… uh oh. She fits all of them. She is a “Divergent”, which is basically a free-spirited rebel. Just to put things into perspective, being a Divergent is like being wrapped in raw meat and thrown into the Pacific Ocean.

My first observation of this movie was that it was very hard to follow. As soon as you are thrust into the movie, there are lots of facts and information thrown on you and it is your job as an observer to keep up. If you can’t keep up, tough titties! The movie goes on with or without your understanding. That, to me, was a very defining factor in my eventual disliking of the film.

The story of the film is very unique, and that’s a positive and a negative in its own right. It was an interesting way to tell a post-war America besides the usual “everyone is under arrest and some youthful rebel escapes and kills everyone”. In saying that, it was difficult for those unaware of the original story to follow. I thought the test was like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter and you had no say in which faction you join, until Beatrice’s parents were crying and she was being dragged away.

The acting, for all intents and purposes, was okay, possibly saved only by my fair lady Kate Winslet (subtle shout out to Miss Benedicte Earl). As much as I don’t like her, Shailene Woodley is a decent actress. She is easy to believe as her character and she doesn’t have Kirsten Dunst face (a face that has no emotion whatsoever). Theo James, who was an unknown to me until this movie, looked as if he was trying too hard in my sweet and humble opinion. He’d be trying to act really hard and tough and scary but then would duckface his lips. It was quite funny to watch. Oh, and Jai Courtney was Eric was phenom. Mr. Courtney has found himself a new fan.

I get that the producers had a lot of content to fit in the film so not to disappoint the book fans, but man Divergent is one long ass movie. If my phone wasn’t dead in the cinema, I would have been constantly checking the time. As a plus, however, there was some humour thrown into the film that I found quite refreshing from all the serious faction stuff.

Solst-o-meter
Storyline:
6/10
Casting and acting:
6/10
Experience: 5/10
Overall:
6/10

I think if I had read the novel before watching the movie, I would have enjoyed it more, but the intensity of the film was too much for me to personally take in. The intent was there to deliver an excellent movie, but to me, it flopped pretty badly. I would recommend watching it, but maybe later when it’s out on TV or something.

– by Noah La’ulu