Category Archives: Lifestyle

She’s Not Interested!

Posted in Lifestyle by

Now here’s a piece for the boys! Women are sometimes clueless when men are trying to let them down but the good thing with that is that men are very blunt and straightforward if they aren’t interested. If it’s the other way ’round, however, women (being the more gentle gender) are more subtle with their approach to men and it may be taken the wrong way by the XY kind.

See that big, hulking dude? That's you.

See that big, hulking dude? That’s you.

Well, I’m here to help you this, men. Here are a few things a woman might do, in which case, she is not interested so you may as well pack up your bags and hop along to the next female.

If her SMS responses are a maximum of two words…
She’s not interested. If a girl was interested, I’m sure she’d be happy to tap her fingers a few more times to construct an actual sentence as opposed to “Lol yeah” or “Ha ha”. This is a mistake I see happen more often than it should. Most women are eager to share their thoughts and feelings and would most likely do so in a whole paragraph. A short, two word sentence is generally a polite way to say “Please stop messaging me, I have as much interest in you as I do in a cow made out of cardboard”.

If she’s too busy to spend time with you but has more than enough time be with her friends…
You bet your sweet behind she is not interested in you. In the early stages of a potential relationship, the couple want to be together as much as possible, so if she is “too busy” to be with you but is always hanging out with her friends, well… I could say that “chicks before dicks” comes into play, but that would suggest she actually has an interest in you to begin with.

If she says she’s “seeing a man in the army”…
He’s not real, but her disinterest in you sure is. The long distance army man is the perfect fake excuse to fend off unwanted attention:
1) Relationship, therefore forbidden territory
2) He’s in the army therefore no tangible evidence of the boyfriend is necessary as he’ll be too busy serving the country
3) He’s in the army therefore he will tear you limb from limb if you touch her

If she tells you about other guys she likes…
You have officially been friend-zoned!  If she was interested in you and was just trying to make you jealous, she would drop everything to be with you, so if she isn’t, you are nothing more to her than a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. And Grandma, what big ears you have!

If her friend drags her away from you at a club…
She has officially been “saved” because she had no interest in you in the first place! Women and their friends have this mutual agreement; if an unwanted man approaches a female in a club, the friend of the female will drag her away with some elaborate excuse so not to hurt the man’s feelings. Examples of excuses include “We need to go to the ladies room”, “we’re going to go get a drink” and my personal favourite, “we’re tired and are going to sit down”. They are doing none of the above. They are just getting away from you.

If she suggests one of her friends for you…
Yep. Not interested. “You know who WOULD be good for you though? Meet my friend!” is loosely translated into “I have no interest in you and therefore I am going to sacrifice my friend here just to get away from you”. 9 times out of 10 the friend isn’t interested in you either and is just being used as a scapegoat.

If she tells you how good of a friend you are…
Call the doctors because you have just been hit with a case of friendzone. When girls say “Aww, you’re such a good friend!” you can be sure that they mean exactly that – friend. Nothing more.

Boys, boys, boys… women are interesting creatures that the male mind will never totally grasp. So take my advice and run with it, otherwise you will be rejected and will be thinking “Man I wish I listened to SolSat!”

– by The Black Widow

I Said What?

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If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it’s that it is always good to poke fun of yourself in any given situation. The people who can easily make fun of themselves, the ones who don’t take life too seriously, are generally the ones that are happier and more optimistic in life than the ones who can’t take a joke.

Blondes may be stereotyped as "dumb", but at least they have more fun, right?

Blondes may be stereotyped as “dumb”, but at least they have more fun, right?

It is for that reason that I give to you the following comical and severely unintelligent quotes from yours truly that I have unfortunately uttered throughout the course of my life in front of other people. Who said you had to have blonde hair to have a blonde moment?

Top “I Said What” Moments (that I can recall)

Friend: I’m saving up to buy a Lambourghini.
Me: Lambourghini, is that some type of expensive spaghetti?
– In my defense, I got Lambourghini and linguine mixed up and found it bizarre that someone would go to so much effort to save up money for pasta.

On a bus for a school excursion and the bus drives passed a huge mountain of dirt just outside Goulburn, NSW…
Me: Oh my god, is that Uluru?
– I have no defense really for this one. To make matters worse, this was on my first day at that school. Also, Geography was never my strongest point.

Cousin: I’m studying Radiology.
Me: Radiology… is that like to do with tanning beds and stuff?
– Surely one can make a connection with the UV rays in solariums and the word “radiology”.

My family and I are having a conversation about “boat people” and I’ve taken offense to the term boat people…
Me: Can you stop calling them boat people? That’s so rude.
Sister: Well that’s where they’ve come from.
Me: Well I came from a uterus; does that make me a uterus person?
– I’m sure other people often make silly remarks like this in the heat of the situation. Anyone?

Playing with my best friend’s baby boy and I pick up a parrot plush toy…
Me: (acting as the toy) Neeeeeigh!
– I didn’t know what noises parrots made and panicked. Imagine that poor boy’s confusion when he sees a horse for the first time.

Talking about the country Norway with my friend…
Me: I want to go to Norwegia one day.
Friend: It’s Norway.
Me: No it isn’t. It’s Norwegia, as in “this pillow is Norwegian”, not Norwayan.
– A Cinderella Story confused me.

My friends at college are having a conversation and I interrupt them…
Me: This is a legit question, but like, is Willy Wonka real? Like I know the Oompa Loompas aren’t real and that the factory isn’t real, but like is there a real Willy Wonka?
– I still can’t believe Willy Wonka isn’t a real, tangible person.

Driving with my best friend to a Broncos game at Allianz Stadium…
Me: Is this Moore Park Rd?
Bestie: No.
Me: Okay… so are we on Moore Park Rd?
Bestie: NO!
Me: Are we on Moore Park Rd now, though?
– In my defense, the green sign said “Moore Park Rd” and it had an arrow pointing straight so I just assumed we were already on Moore Park Rd.

Talking about the PS4 and how it’s not “backwards compatible”…
Me: Why would you want your PS4 to face backwards anyway? That’s a bit stupid, don’t you think?
– What else was I supposed to think?

Examining a shower that has the cold knob underneath the hot knob…
Me: Do you reckon if I look at these upside down that the cold will be hot and the hot will be cold?
– There is absolutely no defense for this.

I’m sure there are more classic Nikki moments floating around there somewhere, but you’d be here for days if you were to read them all. This was an attempt a light-hearted, humorous article post and to show that it is totally okay to make fun of yourself on the rare occasion. Everyone makes mistakes; nobody’s perfect.

– by The Black Widow

My Daddy and I

Posted in Lifestyle, Opinion by

As it would be appropriate being Father’s Day (in Australia at least), I wanted to write about my father and I, and also about the other father figures in my life. All day at work, all I’ve wanted to do is go home to my Dad and hug him, and when I eventually did hug him, he pushed me off and said “Where’s my present?”

Me and my father in our matching Queensland Maroons gear.

Me and my father in our matching Queensland Maroons gear.

My father, Ma’atusi La’ulu, and I – if you can’t tell by the picture of us – are complete opposites (I demanded he take a picture with me in our QLD gear and he just continued watching TV as if I wasn’t there). He is quiet and reserved and rather introverted when catapulted into a social situation, whereas I am loud, outstanding and demand attention when with other people. He hates the idea of contemporary men’s fashion, constantly stating that “skinny jeans are for women”, while my whole wardrobe is pretty much as tight as spandex.

I find it difficult to maintain a lengthy conversation with my father even though I have the ability to talk until the cows come home. My father is more of a listener than he is a talker. Despite being often annoyed by my “Nikkilicious” antics, the one thing that I have found my Dad gets really animated about when talking to me is rugby league; he’ll often sit with me when I am watching (yelling) at a Broncos game on TV and will tell me why he thinks a certain player is great and why a certain player is overrated and will go into great detail. It fascinates me how passionate he is.

My Daddy and I have one of the most unique father-son relationships I have noticed – it’s not the usual “take my son out to throw a ball” relationship. It’s more of a “I drag my father out to places he would rather not be just to keep me happy” and, now that he’s softer in his old age, I often get sassy with him if things don’t go my way and he just sits there and quietly takes it in. My mum doesn’t like how I speak to my Dad sometimes but I say “That’s how we communicate; I yell at him and he calls me stupid”.

My father is the hardest working man that I’ve ever met; the one thing that has been drilled into me since I was born was happily giving service to others. Daddy’s always helping people who don’t ask for the help but need it and never expects anything in return. He is half the reason why I am the man I am today. He’s not the perfect father – as no one in this world is perfect – but he’s pretty damn close to it.

The other fathers I would like to mention are both of my grandfathers, Koloti La’ulu and Rueben Paraha, the latter of which I was unfortunately never able to physically meet, and my oldest brother, Dane La’ulu, who is celebrating his first father’s day this year with his wife and baby boy.

As a “control-freak Princess” that I’ve been described to be, I am used to getting what I want, so when neither of my parents would give me what I want, I’d run to my granddad Koloti who would cave in just because of his gentle nature. And then I’d be like “IN YO FACE” to my parents. My father has this inability to tell people that he loves them so I’m always elated when Granddad tells me he loves me on the phone. After which, I tell my father “AT LEAST GRANDDAD LOVES ME”.

My brother Dane lives in (the better state) Queensland so I don’t see him as often as I’d like, but the last time I did, the change I saw in him was enormous – he is a fantastic father to my first nephew Drake and a great husband to my sister-in-law Jamie. It’s what fatherhood does to you, I’m guessing.

It may seem weird or unbelievable to some but I’ve always felt that I’ve had a special connection to my other grandfather Rueben, real name Taruna. While he passed away before I was born, I have a strong spiritual connection with him where I sometimes see him and speak to him in my dreams. Our connection is so strong that when I watched my parents wedding tape where he was present, I bawled my eyes out like I really knew him.

I’d also like to quickly make mention of the other father figures in my life who have treated me with such kindness in my life, Charles Leota, Vince Giuliano, just to name a couple. And also to the single mothers who take on the role as father for whatever reason, you women are amazing.

I’m going to wrap this up quickly so when my Dad gets home, I can give him his present he so desperately wants. Happy Father’s Day to all the hardworking, amazing fathers out there who have done incredible work with their children, and also to the single mothers who have the privilege of wearing both mother and father hats for their children. Enjoy the only day your kids will go out of their way to appreciate you!

– by The Black Widow

How to Talk Yourself out of a Fine

Posted in Lifestyle by

There is an art to talking your way out of a fine, whether that be for speeding, careless driving or something as little as driving with no plates on. Obviously, this will probably not apply to the heavier fines like going 100 km/h over the speed limit or driving on the wrong side of the road, but you can sure as hell try these tips if you want.

SolSat is here to save your pennies!

SolSat is here to save your pennies!

I’d like to think that I have experience in this department as I have successfully charmed my way out of two fines in my life. In one instance, I got my way out of a whopper by smiling, giggling, genuinely apologising for what I had done and charming the shoes off both of the officers that had stopped me. This may be awkward because I don’t even think I told my parents about these… oops.

Girls think that all they have to do is wear a low cut top and wiggle their chest around but unless they have a valid excuse to back that up, it’s not going to work. That is the key to talking your way out of a fine – you can’t just sweet-talk, you have to have an excuse. For example, if you were caught speeding, blame the other guy behind you who was honking at you to go faster. This is the foundation of getting out of a fine so when you see those lights and hear that siren, think of something – fast.

Another misconception of fine escaping is sucking up to the officer. Please don’t. They see right through that and will be quicker to slap a fine on you faster than you can say “You look very lovely tonight”. If you’re going to chat to the officer, be sorry – I mean absolutely sorry. Apologize for whatever you had done, throw in your excuse in there somewhere, say you’ll never do it again. Show through your actions how sorry you are. May I suggest dramatic hand gestures?

Now this may seem a little degrading or even ridiculous to some, but it wouldn’t hurt if you temporarily decreased your IQ by about 10 points when pulled over. The po-po are more likely to fine someone who is wildly aware of the crime they have committed but they’ll probably be more lenient on someone who is blissfully unaware of what they had done. Example: “I switched lanes without proper indication? Get out, I didn’t even notice”. Worked for me. In saying that, if you sound like you’re being facetious by saying “I didn’t know red meant stop”, then you will be fined. Blissfully unaware, not moronic.

Now for a piece of advice you are told in nearly every aspect of life: smile. Smile when they approach you, smile when they speak to you. Why? Because if you’re sitting there with a sullen look on your face looking like a great target for boxing practice, then they won’t want to deal with you and fine you so fast your head will be spinning. In regards to smiling, also speak positively to the police. Don’t cry “Wo is me!” for being pulled over. Keep up a happy disposition even though your insides are doing flips and you may just get out of losing a few hundred buckeroos. The police like it when you speak to them with respect.

The next time you are caught with reckless driving or doing something else unlawful on the roads, remember these easy tips and you may drive away scot free. Don’t forget to breathe and smile and greet the officer. And always remember: HAVE AN EXCUSE READY! SolSat won’t be there to help you.

– by The Black Widow