(What you may type into this box may affect how other people view you. SOURCE: Facebook)

“People who whinge on Facebook suck.” – Kial Malone, 20 years old

Facebook whiners. Excessive selfie takers. The sympathy seekers.

These are just a few of the people who have committed a heinous crime. Not an actual legal crime, just a crime of the Facebook kind. We all know what we want to see on our personal Facebook newsfeed and what we don’t want to see; more specifically, what people do on Facebook which gets on our last nerve. This jovial journalist took to the young adults on Facebook to find out what was their biggest Facebook pet peeve.

Facebook Whiners
Symptoms

• Pessimism – it is usually those who are negative that feel the need to whine
• Status abusers, those who update a status at will every half hour. SEE: Status Abuser
• Supposed low self-esteem

“To me, the most annoying thing on Facebook would be the statuses complaining about life. If you aren’t happy with a certain aspect of your life, do something to make the change. Don’t bitch about it to people who don’t care.” – Simon Wagstaff, 18 years old.

We’ve all seen this. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that I wouldn’t really have to explain or define what a “Facebook whiner” is. A well known sub-genre of the Facebook whiner is the “Sympathy Seeker”. These are the types of people who will publish a status update with something usually unnecessarily negative with the conscious goal of gaining sympathy and/or attention from others. Eg: “Just had the WORST day ever!! 😦 FML :(” Yeah, I’m sure missing a train to work constitutes to having the absolute worst day ever despite the fact that most trains come every 10 – 20 minutes. I’d even guess that putting a Whiner in the shoes, or lack thereof, of a parentless child in a third-world country would be an absolute breeze for Whiner because they’re used to having the WORST days ever.

“When people post a depressing woe is me status for attention then refuse to elaborate once they receive the attention.” – Cara Hawkins, 20 years old

As suggested by the lovely Miss Hawkins, sometimes Facebook whiners go that extra mile to decline any attention or sympathy despite actually wanting it, therefore making their “terrible situation” look even worse. Of course, if you decide to personally message a Whiner and ask them if they are okay, they will either take the high road and tell you their problems and look for advice or, alternatively, they could continue down the dark road they’re on and reply with two simple letters – “dw”. Unless that stands for “Don’tmovebecauseI’mgoingtothrowabrickatyour Whinerface” then I have no interest.

“I hate it when people post their problems on Facebook which leading [sic] to more problems and does nothing about that problem. It’s more like people look for attention or sympathy… face your problems not Facebook them!” – Brendan Leatau, 20 years old

As most of the whining is done on a Facebook status, it is a nice segue into the next kind of Facebook criminal.

Status Abusers
Symptoms

• One who is rather opinionated
• One who is rather bitter

“When mothers post judgmental statuses about other mothers instead of supporting them, or instead talking to the mother in person and encouraging them.” – Amanda Kowalczyk, 21 years old

A close related cousin to the Whiner is the Status Abuser, one who abuses the right of posting status updates on a Facebook newsfeed to either bitch, whine or a bit of both, as suggested by the young mother previously quoted. Admittedly, there is a good kind of Status Abuser, insomuch that I would not consider them a Status Abuser in the first place – those who post on Facebook their well-researched opinion on a certain topic. I’m all for freedom of expression and opinion and welcome that to the old newsfeed. In saying that, the Status Abuser will write several irrelevant and unresearched statuses to either spark a fight or to indirectly vent their issues out in a public forum.

“When people use Facebook as a diary, airing their dirty laundry, then tell people to mind their own business.” – Alexia Levave, 21 years old

Constantly using the status option to bitch about other people is not only a childish way of sorting out a problem or venting an issue, it is also annoying to those who have to read it and have absolutely nothing to do with the argument between the two parties. A common trait between cousins Status Abuser and Whiner are that they usually want people to mind their own business, despite having put it on a public forum. An example of a Status Abuser’s finest work: “Wish that someone would have the guts to say it to my face!!” and then 10 minutes later, “I’m so sick of backstabbers!! Where are all the true friends?!” Requesting someone say something to your face via a Facebook status is not only stupid, it’s hypocritical. Nobody likes a hypo!

NOTE: undercover Status Abusers come out of their shell during a certain important series of rugby league games previously covered on Solstice Satisfaction.

Excessive Selfie Takers
Symptoms

• Ownership of a smartphone
• Usage of the “duckface”
• Too much spare time

“When people post an album… of practically the same selfie.” – Matthew Winter, 17 years old

We all enjoy taking the occasional selfie or two for our own different reasons; whether that be for fun or you feel the need to update an outdated profile picture. But then there are the people who take it too far and tend to upload several pictures of just themselves, generally in the exact same pose or with the exact same face. The distant cousin of the Whiner and Status Abuser, the Excessive Selfie Taker tends to have several narcissistic traits which grants them the desire to constantly post pictures of themselves pouting their lips. The only relation they have to the Whiner and Status Abuser is the desired outcome – attention.

“The most annoying thing someone can do is constantly post the exact same selfie over and over again.” – Manuel Alavanos, 20 years old

The need for attention is strong within the Excessive Selfie Taker, and their thirst for attention will not be quenched unless that attention is given to them. There are those who look for people to tell them how attractive they are, while there are those who want people to tell them how not-fat they are despite captioning the selfie with “I’m so fat :(“. The majority of Excessive Selfie Takers tend to be of the younger teen demographic, commonly referred to as “twelvies”, but there are some in their late teens or early twenties that still abuse their smartphone camera for no apparent reason.

Criminal Likers
Symptoms

• A desire to make others think they’re a decent person
• Twisted view on how to “help”
• Very little common sense

“I loathe people who like pictures of abused children or pets – what purpose does this serve but make my insides churn at what society is capable of. You’re not putting a stop to child abuse or making any difference.” – Lara McKenzie, 21 years old

As a staunch animal rights activist and general decent person, the Criminal Liker is high on my hit-list of Facebook criminals. What is a Criminal Liker, you say? Have you ever seen a ghastly image of a dead or unconscious animal or child just magically appear on your newsfeed with the caption “Like to save this dog” or “1 like = 1 dollar to save this baby”. Common sense would suggest that liking a picture of that caliber will do absolutely nothing of the sort in the saving of the poor animal or child presented in the picture.

“One of the most annoying things I see on Facebook is the pic with children from Africa saying “1 like = 1 pray” and “1 comment = $1.” – Matthew Duffus, 24 years old

If you really want to go out and help, host a fundraiser and donate the earnings to a charity of your choice; save up money and go on a mission trip to a third-world country to help those in need; or simply give up meat and become a vegetarian or vegan as a small way of standing up for those who can’t speak for themselves. The Criminal Liker doesn’t see it this way, however; they think if they publicise the fact that they have a “desire” to help, people will think that they are an angelic human being. No. In the end, the only thing that the Criminal Like has accomplished is successfully proving to everyone that their IQ is as low as my respect for them.

“My pet peeve is sharing a ‘one like = one prayer’ for bullshit causes! Get a grip people, get off Facebook and go help the homeless if you really care!” – Jacob Anwyl, 18 years old

Those on Facebook have spoken. If you have read this, realised you may have some of the symptoms suggested in the description of the archetype Facebook criminal, you may want to have a good sit down with yourself and think how your actions may affect others. I never suggest someone to change themselves for the sake of others because I am all for being yourself; however, a simple change of attitude on life and how you approach it may just be the Get out of Jail Free card for you to be released from your Facebook criminal days.

– by The Black Widow