Satisfashion: The Fashion Fruitbowl

Women are constantly told by fashion magazines and ‘celebrity stylists’ that their body type fits into a certain category: apple, pear, asparagus, carrot, butternut pumpkin (also known as the hourglass), etc. Has anyone else noticed that clothes shopping now feels like a trip to the local green grocer? All I want is to buy a sundress, not the ingredients for a low-self-esteem fruit salad.

There are better ways to dress an apple

There are better ways to dress an apple

I firmly believe that no matter what size you are, or what sort of fresh produce your silhouette most resembles, you can and should love your body. Everyone has the ability to look as good as they feel. It’s just a matter of knowing how to identify and flaunt your assets.

apple-croppedApple figures can be hard to dress due to the positioning of weight in the belly and bust. Luckily for you though, you’ve got killer cleavage and slimmer legs. The key to highlighting these assets is body control underwear. I know it sounds like a kind of ‘old-lady’ idea, but it will work wonders to sculpt your silhouette by drawing you in at the waist and giving you smoother curves. Now you’re less like an apple and more like an apple core (yay!). Once you’ve got that sorted, it’s time to work on the clothes:
-Open up your neckline. V-neck t-shirts or leaving a single button undone on your work blouse doesn’t make you a hussy.
-Vertical stripes act to elongate the body and have a slimming effect.
-Drop earrings help to elongate the face and draw attention to the jawline and cheekbones. Lengthening the facial features can help balance out the rounded figure.
-A-Line skirts make the waist look slimmer and can be worn with tights to highlight your legs in winter.
-There is no excuse for granny-jeans. Structured, straight-leg jeans and knee length boots will draw the eye down to your gorgeous legs.
-Fitted blazers add shape to the torso and add what I can ‘points of attention’ as the deep V made by the lapels encourages the eyes to move downwards rather than across the body.

download (2)Pear shaped ladies should flaunt their bust and graceful shoulders. The trouble with this figure is the fear that yes, perhaps your bum does look big in that outfit. Invest in a good quality padded bra. A little extra oomph upstairs can balance out your hips and butt.
-Strapless dresses should be a staple in your wardrobe! Your ideal summer outfit is a strapless maxi with a thick belt to cinch in your waist and show off your gorgeous feminie curves.
-Shoulder-pads are not just for 80s disco parties. A structured shoulder in military jackets and blazers lengthens the horizontal line of your shoulders, allowing them to meet the line of your hips.
-Embellished tops have a similar effect and when paired with simple jeans or slacks keep the attention on your face and…er, ‘assets.’

download (3)Asparagus shaped women are straight up and down and have what if often referred to as a ‘boyish’ figure. The major upside of this shape is that there are no critical danger zones in your fashion world. The downside is that we asparagus girls don’t have a classically feminine figure. Invest in a Wonder-Bra. Or three.
-Avoid scoop necklines which show your obvious anti-cleavage. Even with a push-up bra, scoop necks won’t flatter you. Empire waistlines emphasise the lines of your bust and give the illusion of volume. Similarly, dresses and blouses that tie up at the back will flatter even the smallest of A-cups.
-Your legs are your best friend. Short dresses and skirts will compliment your shapely legs.
-A-Line skirts and belts will add definition to your waist and give your more distinct curves.
-Embellishment and detail on dresses and tops gives the illusion of a bigger bust as it can create a three-dimensional effect.
-For those who aren’t into florals but still want to feel feminine, opt for softer fabrics that gently fall over your natural figure while acting to soften the appearance of harder lines.

download (3)Carrots, you tall, elegant beauties. You are the Elle MacPhersons and Liz Hurleys the rest of us wish we could be. What advice can I possibly give you?
-Pale jeans and dark knee high boots will flatter your long legs.
-Cropped blazers and Bolero jackets will give you that effortlessly cool look. Selecting block colours will also add definition to your torso and flatter your waist.
-Soft materials and draping styles that fall elegantly over your frame will add an added degree of class. Trapeze jackets and cowl-neck jumpers will look gorgeous.
-Emphasise your bust with scoop neck tops and chunky statement necklaces.
-Thick horizontal stripes made by belts or sashes etc. cut 5cm off your height and help to balance your stature with your natural horizontals.

hourglass-cropped_A3Butternut pumpkin girls have got the Golden Trifecta. Nice bust, thin waist and a booty worthy of a Beyoncé song. Unfortunately though, not all styles can flatter everything at once. When in doubt, remember you are the modern Marilyn Monroe. The 1950s is never out of style so while everyone else is looking stupid in galaxy leggings, you simply ooze timeless elegance.
-Peplums are a fantastic way to add detail to your waist to balance it with your hips and bust, giving the illusion of a straighter silhouette.
-Darker wash jeans slim the hips and smooth your thighs so you get a cleaner line down the leg.
-The magical pencil skirt sits on, and thus emphasises, your beautiful waist, flatters the hips and draws the eyes upwards to bust and face.
-Rockabilly is a cool style on your figure, too. High-waisted shorts in summer act to lengthen the legs and give the appearance of slimmer hips and thighs.
-Don’t overdo the embellishments on tops. Block colours are best, but clean, smaller prints will define the bust without adding the illusion of extra bulk.

Some things to keep in mind no matter what shape you are:
-Skinny leg jeans do not make your legs skinny! Unfortunately not everyone is blessed with supermodel pins and that’s perfectly fine, but bootcut or retro flares will sit better and look better in the long run.
-I don’t care who you are, tights are NOT pants.
-Leggings are best worn with tunics or under long blouses. Camel toes are not a good accessory.
-Beware of clingy materials. Bodycon dresses and tight tops can look absolutely stunning on figures with smooth curves, but can also go disastrously wrong. If you find that the material is tucking into your body at all, you’re better off going a size up than risking looking like Kirstey Alley on a bad day.

Finally, just remember: everyone has got something to brag about. Happy dressing, ladies!

– by Blaire Gillies

Fad Off!

I’ve lived in Sydney since I was 9 years old and during my tenure here, I’ve seen many different trends or fads come and go. A few people who are as mindless as they are impressionable have followed these trends until the cows came home while I’ve remained indifferent about whatever’s “in” or “hip” – because people still use the word hip anyway. I’ve been quite comfortable in my own skin and style.

Anywho, here are a list of trends that have come and gone and haven’t been touched by me in any shape or form.

I live in a double-storey suburban house and I’m gangsta

These kids trapped in a struggle... and so on and so forth.

These kids trapped in a struggle… and so on and so forth.

Remember when Joel Turner (picture above) came out with the hit song “These Kids” and suddenly everyone wore their pants down around their knees with thick, obnxious chains around their necks? Enter the “Gangsta Beatboxing Street Artist” fad. I specifically remember boys who had no interest in rap and urban music all of a sudden profess their admiration for 50 Cent and Eminem just because it was the “in” thing back in the day. These tryhards would spit and heave and try to claim that as beatboxing when really, it sounded as if someone was losing a lung. Breakdancing was also a popular thing for the Gangsta Beatboxing Street Artists who, as hard as they tried, couldn’t master the truly wonderful art. Speaking of art, it became cool to tag walls with $2 spray paint with some terrible logos or even worse, your own initials.

As you’re picturing all of this in your head, aren’t you glad this fad died out?

Only cool people slash their wrists

Anyone spare a blade?

Anyone spare a blade?

Why, pray tell me, did self-harm become a fad? Shortly after the gangsta species faded out, in came the Emos. Long fringes, black clothes and body odour from here to Raleigh, North Carolina. While the emo genre was underground previously, artists like Dashboard Confessional rose this fad to international stardom. Along with this “popular trend” came the music subgenre of “screamo”, which was basically someone screaming whilst instruments accompanied the ear-damaging lyrics. For some reason, however, people took this as an opportunity to make self-harm cool; red cut lines across the wrist were almost as common as breathing during this time and people would even boast about how damn emo they were by posting pictures of their self harm on MySpace (which was Emo Haven back in the day). The emos lasted a bit longer than the gangstas, and I can proudly say I took absolutely nothing from this culture. I wore painted-on jeans before emos were even born. #totesamaze #craycray

The Beach Boys would be so proud… or not

Oooohhh surferrrr girrrrl...

Oooohhh surferrrr girrrrl…

Roxy. Billabong. Ripcurl. Rusty. Basically any brand that is currently available at your local City Beach. There was a time when surfing became the “in thing” and all the boys in the yard were wearing these surfer brands to look cool and would walk around with a surfboard despite having no talent on it whatsoever. These guys and gals would lay out on the beach to get that “I’m totes a surfer” tan and would lighten their hair to have that surfy look. Meanwhile, here I am with my pale brown skin and dark hair – and I don’t even care.

I get that Home and Away makes it look like every Australian underneath the shining sun goes surfing but I have never touched a surfboard in my life and have no real interest in getting thrashed from a body of water.

Aesthetics because no one cares about brains anymore

I don't mind Zyzz as a person, but really.

I didn’t mind Zyzz as a person, but really.

Okay so I remember a time when people didn’t really care about how big their pecs were or how bulging their biceps were. Everyone was just lax about being their size, big or small. Nowadays, people are hitting the gym just for the social factor and not for the concept of getting physically fit. Big bulky men (or women) are as common as breathing now and it’s come to the point where muscles aren’t even attractive anymore. With the introduction of (stupid) phrases like “Do you even lift” and “She squats bro” suggest that people in the current day and age are more concerned about what’s on the outside than what’s on the inside. I’d prefer to have a conversation with a brain than a bicep to be honest but that’s just me.

I joined a gym to look like Candice Swanepoel (NOTE: not possible), not to fit in with the clouds that hang around my area. I decided that food is much better than exercise so my relationship with the gym ended not too long ago. I’m pretty sure I did more exercise than the bodybuilders that went there to look at themselves in the mirror and get hard-ons over themselves.


I’m pretty sure there are other fads that I’ve overlooked but really, these three were the worst that I can remember. To use an overused motivational quote that frequently sees my Facebook news feed: “You were born original, why die a copy?” Case and point.

– by The Black Widow

Satisfashion: Rugby League

In this second installment of Satisfashion, I thought I’d write about something that I am clearly passionate about – that being rugby league, or NRL in particular. I’m doing the darndest thing and combining that with something that is complete opposite to rugby league – fashion. Dun dun duuuuun. Fashion in the NRL? Whatever do I mean?

Well, I’ve seen many o’ fashion mistakes at all the NRL games I’ve been to through the years and decided to help the fashionably challenged at NRL games. In spirit of the NRL finals around the corner – and seeing as my team is out for the season *Sadface* – here we go with the Do’s and Dont’s of fashion at NRL games.

The obvious fashion must at an NRL game (if you’re willingly going to one and support a team) is a footy jersey. These must be done tastefully because there are some blindingly horrendous cases that you shouldn’t wear your team’s jersey. For example, if you support the Warriors and you are going to a Broncos vs. Bulldogs game, please for the love of all that is holy, do not wear your Warriors jersey and call out ignorant things like “GO THE WARRIORS!!” Nobody found it funny the first time so no one will find it funny this time. When people do this, I want nothing more than for them to get kicked out for being stupid. Genuine team jerseys can be a bit pricey unless you know when and where to shop for your team merchandise… or you support the Eels because their jerseys are usually reduced to $60 by the fifth round.

As most nights at a league game are cold, all of the teams have their own scarves, beanies and jackets you can purchase at a relatively cheap price. These are obviously to be worn with your team’s jersey for a full-on supporter effect. Like you don’t mix patterns in an every day outfit, do not mix teams in your choice of clothing. Wearing a Bunnies jersey and a Cowboys scarf and a Raiders beanie is not funny. I repeat, NOT funny. The amount of times I see people doing this thinking they are Kevin Hart hilarious is saddening.

Now, this next one is going to be specific to women – please, I implore you, do not dress as if you are going out to Kings Cross on a Saturday night at a rugby league game. If you’re there to try and pull men, that’s fine, but in extension to that, you are dampening the spirit of the game and in the process bringing your IQ down by fifty points and making women as a whole look clueless. I know lots of diehard female NRL fans who despise the “fakers” for making them look foolish. It is possible to look great at a league game without overdoing it and looking out of place.

League games or any sport match alike is a perfect excuse if you want to go that step further and don face paint and/or something else outstanding like the Blues wigs at Origin games or body paint. There is no such thing as over-accessorizing when it comes to fan merchandise at games and that’s the thing I love. While I personally choose not to don body paint, I love seeing the team spirit in the crowd with the people that do. It’s diehard fans that make sitting in the stands watching a game that much more entertaining.

If you’re not a diehard supporter of a team and are just going to enjoy the environment with friends, wearing anything is fine.

As a Broncos fan, when I go to a Broncos game, I wear the obvious Broncos jersey, Broncos scarf, a normal pair of jeans and boots and I look fine. If I’m feeling patriotic enough, I will even wear my Broncos “cape-flag” around my neck with pride. For extra oomph, I even have a pull-out “GO BRONCOS/TRY” sign to use at the appropriate times. And thus, the appropriate look is created.

Ta da! #bronxnation

Ta da! #bronxnation

So please, everyone, do yourself a favour and dress appropriately the next time you intend on going to a league game. I’m going to watch the Bunnies vs. the Storm in what is sure to be a 5/5 stellar game between the two sides, and I’m not going to do something as foolish as wear my Broncos gear and call out “GO COREY PARKER!” Widow out!

– by The Black Widow

Satisfashion: Split Leg Jeans

I’m not going to lie; if I were suffering from insomnia and badly wanted to go to sleep, I’d watch a fashion show. They bore me to tears. I have little to zero interest in the fashion industry but, hey, everyone is programmed differently and I don’t hold anything against those who are expert fashionistas.

In saying that, I’d like to think that I have a good style myself and can put together a pretty decent outfit for myself and for others. One of the things I enjoy most at my job is styling clueless men who have no idea how to put together an outfit and after dealing with me, leave with some good buys.

Anywho, here’s to introducing my new fashion portion of my blog, deftly titled “Satisfashion”. Geddit? Geddit?

Here is today’s fashion curiosity:
The Split Leg Jean

They're a sight for sore eyes, aren't they?

They’re a sight for sore eyes, aren’t they?

For the sake of argument, I’m going to specifically refer to black and red split leg jeans.

So, if you can’t see, split leg jeans are a type of pant where one leg is one colour and the other leg is another colour. It’s an interesting concept and a very tricky garment to pull off. But that’s why I’m here to help you.

I know the general idea of constructing an outfit is to revolve the clothes around the shoes, but in split leg jeans, that’s not the case. You have to revolve your whole outfit around dem jeans if you want to make the outfit work. You want the central point of the outfit to be the jeans so if you wear something else that detracts attention from your outrageous jeans, well, that’s an issue.

For starters, you’re going to have to base the colour choices around your jeans. For me, I stuck to a basic black, red and white colour combination to compliment my jeans. I wore a white shirt with black and red decal on the front, a black cardigan on top and a red neck bandanna for extra sass. For some strange reason, I find comfort in having something on top of my head and sunnies tend to do that trick, so I even had black sunglasses on.

The tricky part is “what colour shoes am I going to wear with this? Do I go black or do I go red?” Why not be bold and do both – if it works.  If you have one red Doc Marten and one black canvas slip on shoe, chances are high that you will look stupid if you don them together. What I chose to wear was one black Converse shoe on the red leg and one red Converse on the black leg to create an eye-catching harlequin/court jester type image. If you don’t have the materials to do this, however, I would suggest a pair of black shoes. Wearing a red shoe on the red leg may look too red while a black shoe with a black leg is passable. I know that sounds silly, but trust me.

Here’s what I had:

Split leg jean swag!

Split leg jean swag!

Pulled off like a champion, methinks.

If I think fashion is going the way I think it’s going to do, split leg jeans are going to become a huge hit in the near future, so I suggest you pop on over to places that sell split leg jeans or even split leg shorts and buy yourself a pair. They’re sure to be a hit at the next event or party you have to attend.

– by The Black Widow