Category Archives: Lifestyle

The Nose Knows

Posted in Lifestyle by

As I sat on the train and watched a guy try to surreptitiously sniff his own armpits, I realised something: men like to smell things.  It’s their major sensory triumph.

You can't go wrong with smelling though!

You can’t go wrong with smelling though!

Take books for example. A woman looks at the cover of an old book, sees the mottled colours, feels the soft leather, the scars in the spine and appreciates the beauty of the words spilling across it’s yellowed pages.
A man picks up the old book and inhales. After a moment, there’s the shorter, secondary sniff. Then the moment of processing, where he considers the smell. Then there’s the perfunctory nod. Book smells good= book is good.

Clothes on the floor. Woman considers how many times the article of clothing has been worn and/or seen in public, looks for stains and markings, considers any wrinkles and then determines whether to wash it or hang it up again.
Man picks up socks and smells them. Socks smell fine = socks are fine.

I agree with the people who say that men have two brains; one in their skulls and one elsewhere. What I don’t agree with is that the second brain is in their pants. The only time the second brain is in a man’s trousers is if he’s sniffing them. The second brain is obviously in the nose. It’s also bigger and far more important than the brain in his head.

Head-Brain is more of a risk-taker than Nose-Brain. Head-Brain sees a sees a sign that says “Wet Paint” and forces the man to touch it. It hears a warning that says “hot surface” and of course, leads the man to touch it and man gets burnt.
Nose-Brain is much better at self-preservation. Nose-Brain is so skilled at shielding the man from potentially lethal odours like dirty nappies and rotten eggs that he rarely smells it. While the women in the room are all gagging at the smell of a fart, Nose-Brain barely registers it, and man is secretly pleased with himself for his efforts.

A man’s emotion is also linked to his sense of smell;
Man smells food, man feels happy.
Man smells wife’s perfume, man feels love.
Man smells his own fart, man feels proud.
Man smells coffee, man feels true love.
Man smells beer, man feels manly.
And so on…

Kind of explains why Voldy was an a-hole...

Kind of explains why Voldy was an a-hole…

So therein lies the major difference between men and women. Men don’t get caught up in the sight of babies, the feeling of soft kitten fur or the sound of a really romantic song. They don’t overthink first dates, fashion trends and they get stressed about religion or politics at the dinner table. They just follow their noses and everything is alright.

In short, man has nose = life is good.

– by Blaire Gillies

Dating Nikki: Valentine’s Day

Posted in Dating Nikki by

It’s the time of the year when single people all of a sudden hate everyone and those in a relationship are noticeably more catty towards those who are single. It’s Valentine’s Day – or as catty people in a relationship would call it, Single Awareness Day.

Do this and you are guaranteed success.

Do this and you are guaranteed success.

If you’re stuck on what to get your significant other or don’t know what to do with them on Friday night (besides a good round of woohoo), who ya gonna call? Note: not Ghostbusters. Me!

I will attempt to separate my advice in different stages of relationship, from the “we only started dating like five minutes ago” stage to the “we’ve pretty much been married for the past 20 years” stage. Let’s face it: if you’ve been in a relationship for over five years and your partner buys you a box of chocolates from Aldi, you’re gonna be pissed.

For those who have just started dating…
This would be your first Valentine’s Day as a couple so the main benefit from that is you don’t face the risk of repeating your gifts and event from a previous V Day like the longer couples do. Any idea you have will be safe, unless it’s way over the top. While I’m sure a woman would love to receive all the jewellery from Tiffany’s in the world, and a man would appreciate a new Harley Davidson sportster, it may be a little too much for your first V Day together. My suggestions?
Gift ideas (for him): Surprise him. Buy him a ride around Sydney on a Harley motorcycle (click here). If he’s a bit less rough around the edges, give him a box of chocolates (click here) and a good-read.
Gift ideas (for her): If you want a safe idea, stick with a nice bouquet of roses (click here) and a box of chocolates. Every girl loves chocolate more than she admits, I promise you. Have it delivered to her when she least expects it and she will swooooooon.

For those who have been together for over a year and are relatively comfortable with each other…
You guys have the trouble of coming up with something different from last year’s successful V Day together. You have the challenge of beating last year and making this year’s V Day all the more memorable. The positive for you is that you are aware of your partner’s interests and their lifestyle so finding a gift specifically tailored for them would be simple. If it isn’t that simple, however, here are my suggestions:
Gift ideas (for him): 21st century men love watches. Gift him with a nice fancy-looking watch and, if you have money left over on your budget, a big matching man ring.
Gift ideas (for her): I would say this is the period where buying your girlfriend lingerie is safe. Ask her friends discreetly for her size and then buy her something sexy to wear that night… only to be taken off straight away.

For those who are well into their relationship insomuch that you are probably going to get engaged soon…
This is for the couples who have been together for so long that everyone is just expecting you to get hitched soon. You’re right for each other and everybody knows it. You are also very comfortable with each other and should know your partner inside-out. You guys have the hurdle of switching it up from previous V Days together and that may hinder your idea brainstorming. If you are stuck for a specific idea, here are my suggestions:
Gift ideas (for him): This will require a bit of pre-planning. Buy your man tickets to an event he will really enjoy, whether it be a musical concert or a monster truck show. Top it off with a case of beer and a home cooked meal and he will be putty in your hands.
Gift ideas (for her): It’s time to bring out the big bucks and visit your nearest Tiffany’s, or any other quality jewellery store. You will know what your lady likes, so pick out something that says “I love you so much that I spent all this money on you.” Click here to browse through Tiffany’s collection.

For those who are married or in a long-term domestic relationship…
You are the couple that has made it. You have been through nearly every Valentine’s Day together and they have always been fantastic. You’re so comfortable with each other that you sometimes need to remember that you are not them. While you would have the added pressure of not repeating previous V Days, you pretty much don’t have high expectations anymore because you’ve nearly done it all. I would suggest a weekend away with each other to somewhere you have never been before. It doesn’t matter if it’s overseas or in the same city. Do something spontaneous! If you want an idea for an extra gift, here are my suggestions:
Gift ideas (for him): It’s well documented that boys love their toys. Depending on budget, I would suggest buying your man the latest iPad or a Kindle reader so he can read all of his manly action books in peace.
Gift ideas (for her): While I am not a wine connoisseur myself, most women can appreciate a good bottle of wine. Visit your local bottle-o and buy something expensive and old to let your woman know just how much she means to you. Top it off with a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates, and she will realise how lucky she is to have you.

Now go off on your merry way; enjoy smelling the flowers and eating the chocolates; enjoy drinking on your wine and spending time with each other, and, most importantly, enjoy your woohoo.

– by The Black Widow

Roz3 by any other name…

Posted in Lifestyle by

It was my main man William Shakespeare who, through the romantic words of Juliet Capulet, said “What’s in a name?” For the lucky ones, their name has some kind of deeper meaning, or a poignant family connection. Blaire, for example, means ‘field of battle’ in old Scottish Gaelic and Nicole is Greek for ‘victory of the people.’ So yeah, I have a pretty cool name, except for when I stop to think about the pressure it puts on me to be some kind of super warrior princess…I wonder what Xena means and if she’d mind giving me a few arse-kicking lessons…

For some unfortunate people-children of celebrities and idiots- their names are as well thought out and deep as the lyrics to Friday.

No.

No.

I respect the desire to avoid naming your kids John and Jane but there’s a line between unusual and downright insane. Just ask Moon Unit Zappa, North West or ‘K’ the little girl who was actually Christened Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii… Yeah. That happened.
Then of course there’s Prince Michael I, Prince Michael II (AKA ‘Blanket’) and Paris Michael Jackson. It astounds me that the genius behind Thriller, Billie Jean and basically every chart topper from 1964-1990 couldn’t come up with anything better than his own name.

I’ve always had a fascination with names but, after sitting in a McCafe and hearing a woman scream at her identical twins named, wait for it, Isabelle and Isabella, I finally cracked it. I instantly messaged a dear friend of mine who is equally as judgemental as me and lost my mind, venting about how some people shouldn’t be allowed to procreate because having a child means they’re going to name it something stupid (harsh, but we know I’m brutally honest). At some point during this rant, a solution to solve World Stupidity and the Employment Crisis came to me; we create a Government body whose sole job is to approve names with a two question interview process.

1. What do you intend to call your child?
If your answer is stupid, like Apple or Pilot Inspektor, you fail and cannot reproduce. If you are successful, you move on to question two.
2. How do you intend to spell the approved name?
If you’re going to pull a Kath & Kim and spell Tiffany ‘Typhphanniii’ you first get a slap, and then a fail.

It sounds harsh, I know, but I’m only trying to protect the next generation from the inevitable mockery that comes with being called Zowie Bowie, and a future of constantly being asked how to spell Jahzzmeine.

Lastly, I don’t give two shits about how many likes you get on Facebook- calling your kid Megatron or Voldemort is as cruel as it is stupid.

Tupac is a great name for a scrawny white guy...

Tupac is a great name for a scrawny white guy…

Just remember: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me…” unless that word is Kizziera or Loneoxx because there’s a fair amount of emotional hurt going on there.

– by Blaire Gillies

Bucking the Block

Posted in Lifestyle by

It’s finally time for me to admit it- Guys, I have Writer’s Block, an illness that is easily as serious and debilitating as the Man Flu or the Clone-Killing Nanovirus. Scratch that. This is way more serious.

lol

In an effort to cure myself of this crippling ailment, I’ve spent the last month trawling the internet, reading as much as possible; everything from books and newspapers to the ingredients on the back of shampoo bottles in my shower (I don’t know what Methylisothiazolinone or chloromethylisothiazolinone are exactly, but apparently they’re bad for skin, or the ozone layer or something). I also spent a disgusting amount of time reading other people’s blogs, obnoxiously long Facebook statuses and tweets and in doing that discovered something: Writing is a lot like running.

The Tweeters of the world are sprinters: they cover a very short distance in a really quick time. Unlike those of us who tend to ramble on a bit, they have to get their point across in just 140 characters, including beginning, middle and end.

Then  there are the Facebook Fanatics who answer ‘What’s on your mind?’ with not just one, but every single thought they had that day. These are the literary hurdlers – longer distances, more of a challenge and more pressure to make their words interesting without being boring or repetitive.

Then there’s us, the bloggers who devote entire days to writing lengthy, somewhat sassy posts about everything from split-legged jeans to the state of Australian politics. We are the marathon runners. The mentally-fit and fabulous distance writers who take a while to get to the finish line, but make the read worth-while (if I may say so myself).

And these people are the triathletes that make the rest of us look lazy…

ss l

I am hoping now that, having spent January wallowing in self pity, I am fully recovered and back in the writing game. Keep your fingers crossed for me though, guys. The last thing any of us want is a relapse!

– by Blaire Gillies (God it’s good to be writing that again. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of crossing the finish line!)