Category Archives: Opinion

Easter as an Atheist

Posted in Opinion by

Every guy knows that you should wait three days before calling a girl you like. It’s just standard practice that, apparently, started about 2000 years ago.

Our main man J-Christ had dinner with some mates and his “just-a-friend” Mary one Thursday night, fell super hard for the blonde bombshell and felt the need to go underground- the old-school equivalent of turning off his iPhone- for three days to make sure he didn’t call her before noon on Sunday. Nobody wants to look too eager. Nobody wants to look too boring, either, and our leading lad knew that coming back from the dead was a pretty cool way to stand out from all the other guys who had pizza and beer with Miss Mags.

"Three days, bro. Trust me."

“Three days, bro. Trust me.”

Like anything, over the last couple of millennia the exact origins of Easter have turned into a bit of a game of Chinese Whispers. Somehow we’ve gone from the mourning/celebrating the life, death and undeath of the world’s saviour to hunting for Easter eggs while parents bemoan the cost of petrol over the long weekend and the difficulties of roadtripping with three kids on a sugar high.

Also, someone needs to explain how a rabbit handing out eggs came into the picture and why nobody thinks that is at all bizarre. I have a lot of questions about that, but we won’t go into them. All I will say is that nobody who has seen Donny Darko should feel comfortable about letting their children go up to rabbits handing out chocolate in the streets…

Me, sixteen years ago. I think I'm still the same height.

Me, sixteen years ago. I think I’m still the same height.

Those of you who have followed me on SolSat will know that I’m a bit cynical (I know what you’re thinking- “just a bit? Ha”, but shut up. Let’s be optimistic). I’m not against religion, I just don’t hold any theological beliefs myself. I’m aware of the hypocrisy that comes with celebrating a holiday I don’t believe in so when it comes to Easter, I, like most atheists, get to pick and choose what I want to put my faith in.
– Chocolate eaten at Easter has no calories.
– Hot Cross buns are a source of happiness, not carbs.
– Chicken is an acceptable replacement for fish on Good Friday. So is steak.
– Whether I believe in it or not, I’ll always support a four day weekend.
– Sunday is a good day for a feast.
– ‘Bright Monday’ sounds about as legit as Bonza Bottling Day but unlike BBD, this one is a public holiday so I’ll eat left-over hot cross buns and keep my opinions to myself.

One thing I think we an all agree on though, no matter our religion, creed, or gender (I’d say age, but kids are more concerned with the chocolate than anything else), is that the most important Easter tradition is spending time with the people we love. I know it sounds trite, but it’s true. Holidays like this, whether they’re actually real like Thanksgiving in America or “real” like Easter and Christmas, bring people together.

The other theory of Easter is of course that Jesus just had a really big night out on $3 Thursday at the local tavern and couldn’t get out of bed until Sunday so for those of you planning a big weekend, don’t feel guilty. For this weekend, and this weekend only, there is an 11th commandment: “Don’t do as I say, do as I do.” Basically, have a bloody good weekend and forget all the rules. You’ve got Monday off to nurse the hangover, so enjoy yourself.

Happy Easter everyone!

– by Blaire Gillies

You Know What Sh!ts Me?: Public transport and its morons

Posted in What Sh!ts Me by

Introducing a new segment to Solstice Satisfaction that I’m sure a lot of you out there can relate to – You Know What Sh!ts Me? Basically, an opinion on what really grinds my gears… what really irritates me… what really gets my blood pumping, and not in the good way either. These opinions may be contentious and/or very strongly expressed and I encourage the disclaimer that this is my opinion and you are free to oppose it in the comments or an angry e-mail.

Today’s topic: the morons who use public transport.

Think twice before you hop on one of these.

Think twice before you hop on one of these. (SOURCE: Mark Hillary’s Flickr photostream)

There are several types of morons who catch public transport, and I’m going to identify every single one of them. Please, if you are one of these morons, sort yourself out for the rest of us. Please.

Moron #1: Hot Seat Moron
These are the ones who change seats on the bus or train like it’s going out of fashion. I was sitting at the back one day and I watched this woman walk onto the bus and sit down. She didn’t seem satisfied, however, as she got up and moved to another seat two back. Nope. Still not satisfied. She got up again and moved to the other side of the bus. Umm… what? I literally didn’t see the point in that. Unless there was some invisible man threatening her that I didn’t see, I honestly don’t understand the logic behind that. This moron is also the moron that reluctantly takes a seat next to someone on the bus/train and then gets up and moves as soon as a seat is free. Like, what is the point? You’re not going to catch anything by sitting next to a stranger. I find this as rude as it is unnecessary. I see this happen way more than it should.

Moron #2: Bags-don’t-have-arses Moron
Yeah. These ones are the ones who put their bags onto the seat next to them and don’t even think to move them when people are filing onto the mode of transport. They will only VERY RELUCTANTLY move their belongings when someone politely asks if they may sit there. I’d hate to break it to you, but your bag or laptop case or cake tin actually doesn’t have an arse and therefore doesn’t really need to have a seat. That struggling woman with four bags slung over her shoulder probably does. Common sense people. We were all born with it, so use it.

Moron #3: Complaining Moron
How often do we see on social media people complaining about the public transport system? “Bus was two minutes late… FML”. “Bus driver charged me 10cents more than what he should have. #gokillyourself”. Like seriously, go plant a tree or something. There are bigger problems than public transport not going out of its way to accommodate one person. Your train is delayed? Big whoop. Would you rather walk the 20+km to work? I didn’t think so. The bus driver charged you adult fare even though you have a concession card that you left at home? Not his bloody fault you’re forgetful. The main point I’m trying to get across is this: these people are getting paid to do the public a great deal of service, and they have to put up with ignorant morons like this all day every day. They are getting you from A to B for a very cheap rate. I don’t know about you but I personally would rather deal with minor unpleasantries than walk to and back from Surry Hills twice a day, three days a week.

Moron #4: Un-chivalrous Moron
I have this unspoken rule I keep to myself when it comes to public transport. If a woman comes onto the bus/train and there are free seats, I will keep my seat. Even if she chooses to stand up for some odd reason because she doesn’t want to take that free seat, I will remain seated. It’s not my fault she doesn’t want to sit there. However, if a woman comes onto the bus/train and there are no free seats, I will offer her said seat and make her take it. The same can be said for the elderly. From my recent observations, I have noticed that I am the only one who will get up and do this or, if you’re lucky, another man will do the same. Most men just sit there, playing ignorance, while struggling women are standing up. This is a deadset joke. I honestly do not care if you had a slack day at work or your tutor yelled at you, if a woman is standing up on a full bus, you offer her your damn seat. One time on a train, a pregnant woman holding her baby was standing up while a bunch of suited blokes sat down on their smartphones, and it took a brave man yelling “Is somebody going to get up for her?!” to cause some action.

Moron #5: There-is-no-room-for-you-in-the-inn Moron
Exclusive to most buses, this moron is the one who just doesn’t get the fact that the seat was made for one person. Or two really, really skinny people. The front two seats at the bus (at least the ones I catch) are narrower than the normal two seater, therefore they are really only made for one person. Sometimes I take this seat so I can have a nap on the bus and know I won’t awkwardly elbow someone next to me. Sometimes when I wake up from this nap, however, there is someone trying to sit on the half-a-centimetre space left of the seat, and they are awkwardly shuffling on one foot, trying to balance their arse on the non-existent space. This may be me coming off as selfish… BUT YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.

There. End rant. That felt good.

Please… if you are any one of these people.

Sort. Your. F#$%ing. Life. Out.

– by The Black Widow

Riddle Me This, Batman

Posted in Opinion by

For most people, it seems hard to believe that we’re already four weeks into the first semester of Uni. For all intents and purposes ‘most people’ is a gross generalisation including anyone doing sciences, maths, nursing, sports, media and just about any course that isn’t forcing you to study philosophy.

For those of us poor souls who are studying the ‘Great infinite abyss’, it’s hard to believe we’ve survived this first month with The Riddler as our course advisor.

phil

Twice a week I rock up to uni and sit as my lecturer, my tutor and my peers intimately unravel the universe with questions like ‘What is thought?’ ‘How is thought?’ and say things like ‘Descartes’ theory of rationalism is sound in the knowledge that God is always able to perceive…’ blah blah blah.

I’m just that kid that sits in the corner with my eyes rolling in two different directions as the creepy voices in my head sing “round like a circle in a spiral, like wheel within a wheel…’ and blood drips slowly from the classroom walls.

Okay, so I may be dramatizing just a little bit, but if you were there you’d get it.

I am a person who, despite a deep-seeded hatred of maths and science, likes things to have answers. I like black and white, none of this ‘shades of grey’ crap.

Two plus two equals four. That is definite. Stop questioning it.

From what I’ve gathered so far, Descartes was just some guy who stood up one day, said “Cogito ergo sum” (which is Latin for “I think, therefore I am”) and impressed a bunch of other dudes who probably spent large amounts of time watching paint dry as an exciting alternative to listening to their mate Rene babble on.

A few years later, an Irishman named Berkeley put his Guiness down for a night to suggest that if a thing could be perceived it could exist, and everything existed because it was perceived by an all-seeing God.
Then a Scottish bloke named Hume came in, stirred shit up, argued with some other philosophers and then died just as confused as he was before he started asking questions.

Super.

You know what isn’t  great, though? I still can’t answer the really big, important questions about life, love and the universe.
Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
How long is a piece of string?
Do goldfish sleep?
Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Do bartenders have to go to another bar after work so they can unravel their problems on someone else?
What do I actually want for dinner tonight?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I need someone to explain this to me in a way that isn’t terrifying. As it is, my tutor is great but I’m at that point where I can’t even be sure that I exist, let alone any of you or the world we think we live in. The only reason I know God exists is because I’m drinking a cup of it right now; double shot cap, no sugar.

If you start freaking out (which is totally understandable), don’t stress too much.  You can come and stay here with me – we’ll get bunk beds and matching jackets.

Home sweet home...

Home sweet home…

– by Blaire Gillies (I think.)

I’ve Given Up On M.Night Shyamalan

Posted in Entertainment, Movies, Opinion by

I want to take a little time to recall some brilliant films. Do you remember a movie about a child who could see and talk to dead people? I do, and I remember it being full of genuinely frightening moments and an atomic bomb of a story twist; this was The Sixth Sense, directed by M.Night Shyamalan only fifteen years ago.

This is what everyone looked like watching it, don't lie.

This is what everyone looked like watching it, don’t lie.

I also fondly recall watching Unbreakable for the first time, which also contained a mind-shattering twist and a damn good cast of actors; again, Shyamalan is responsible for creating this cult film.

Badass

Badass

And here is where the problem comes to light; can you recall a film about trees who make people suicidal? If you can’t, pat yourself on the back, you really saved yourself time and sanity. The Happening was also the work of Shyamalan, the same guy who created instant classics and then went on to produce pieces of actual poop.

OH GOD, WHY TREES, WHY?

OH GOD, WHY TREES, WHY?

I have tried to keep calm in the face of such terrible film making, telling myself that it’s okay. Maybe he’s a one trick pony and theres only so long he can make twist endings work, maybe his first few movies were some sort of fluke, a moment of his insanity that happened to work. I did this over and over: with films like The Village, and Lady in the Water. But god dammit if I’m not tired of trying so hard. Not after what he did, not after making The Last Airbender.

One of the best television shows

One of the best television shows

One of the worst things in my life (Sorry, kid)

One of the worst things in my life (Sorry, kid)

Shyamalan, if you’re out there and somehow reading this obscure article: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? You don’t do that. You just can’t take a wonderfully-written, highly-praised, beautifully-animated television show, take all the good things out of it, and drop it on the big screen. I wanted to stick by you, even through the awkwardly directed acting and plot holes, because although I’m always disappointed by you, your films always seem to have an interesting premise. But no, you really fucked up this time.

But even amidst that awfulness there seemed to be a silver lining; this film was so bad that there was no way he would ever direct again. Then came After Earth (vomiting sound), and now he is in the mix to produce three different television programmes, and heres hoping that he just stays as the producer.

Smug bastard

Smug bastard

The purpose of this article was to mostly rant, but also to voice my genuine concerns. Why does this man keep making films? Who keeps giving him the work? And more importantly, how do we stop it? This is coming from someone who really loved the film Signs. In all seriousness, that movie planted the seed for my phobia of extraterrestrials, and any person that can induce that has some amazing power. But I think that power has been abused and needs to be taken away.

– by Josefina Huq