Category Archives: Opinion

I’ve Given Up On M.Night Shyamalan

Posted in Entertainment, Movies, Opinion by

I want to take a little time to recall some brilliant films. Do you remember a movie about a child who could see and talk to dead people? I do, and I remember it being full of genuinely frightening moments and an atomic bomb of a story twist; this was The Sixth Sense, directed by M.Night Shyamalan only fifteen years ago.

This is what everyone looked like watching it, don't lie.

This is what everyone looked like watching it, don’t lie.

I also fondly recall watching Unbreakable for the first time, which also contained a mind-shattering twist and a damn good cast of actors; again, Shyamalan is responsible for creating this cult film.

Badass

Badass

And here is where the problem comes to light; can you recall a film about trees who make people suicidal? If you can’t, pat yourself on the back, you really saved yourself time and sanity. The Happening was also the work of Shyamalan, the same guy who created instant classics and then went on to produce pieces of actual poop.

OH GOD, WHY TREES, WHY?

OH GOD, WHY TREES, WHY?

I have tried to keep calm in the face of such terrible film making, telling myself that it’s okay. Maybe he’s a one trick pony and theres only so long he can make twist endings work, maybe his first few movies were some sort of fluke, a moment of his insanity that happened to work. I did this over and over: with films like The Village, and Lady in the Water. But god dammit if I’m not tired of trying so hard. Not after what he did, not after making The Last Airbender.

One of the best television shows

One of the best television shows

One of the worst things in my life (Sorry, kid)

One of the worst things in my life (Sorry, kid)

Shyamalan, if you’re out there and somehow reading this obscure article: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? You don’t do that. You just can’t take a wonderfully-written, highly-praised, beautifully-animated television show, take all the good things out of it, and drop it on the big screen. I wanted to stick by you, even through the awkwardly directed acting and plot holes, because although I’m always disappointed by you, your films always seem to have an interesting premise. But no, you really fucked up this time.

But even amidst that awfulness there seemed to be a silver lining; this film was so bad that there was no way he would ever direct again. Then came After Earth (vomiting sound), and now he is in the mix to produce three different television programmes, and heres hoping that he just stays as the producer.

Smug bastard

Smug bastard

The purpose of this article was to mostly rant, but also to voice my genuine concerns. Why does this man keep making films? Who keeps giving him the work? And more importantly, how do we stop it? This is coming from someone who really loved the film Signs. In all seriousness, that movie planted the seed for my phobia of extraterrestrials, and any person that can induce that has some amazing power. But I think that power has been abused and needs to be taken away.

– by Josefina Huq

I am not Plastic Fob-tastic

Posted in Opinion by

If I had to choose one term that I hate with a fiery passion to abolish, it would be “plastic fob”. Never heard of it? Let me explain.

100% genuine. 0% plastic.

100% genuine. 0% plastic.

To those of you who don’t know me, my cultural background is Maori, Samoan and a dash of Irish in there somewhere. I was born in Australia so I identify myself as being Australian but will never hide my cultural background. I am proud of my pacific roots and embrace my culture – maybe not to its full extent, but I still love and acknowledge where my ancestors have come from.

As I have had a “traditional” Australian upbringing in the beautiful country town of Bathurst, I’m not as cultured as someone who was born and raised in the islands; I don’t know all of the cultural norms and I don’t speak neither fluent Maori or Samoan (not for lack of trying, I have pestered my parents to teach me on numerous occasions). In fact, I speak better Portuguese than I do either of those languages.

Does that make me any less Samoan or Maori than another child of the pacific? No, it doesn’t. As people who are normally stereotyped as easy-going and friendly, why are some Polynesians so bitter towards each other?

This is where “plastic fob” comes in. A plastic fob is, basically, someone who has a cultural background from the Pacific Islands yet doesn’t act or behave like a “normal” Polynesian would. That is what pisses me off. I get this term branded on me by so many of my own people who don’t even take the time to actually get to know me. My best friend, who had a similar upbringing as me and who is half Samoan and half Italian, has the same issue as me; we went through a lot of the exclusions just because we were “plastic”. I know some of my siblings have to deal with this kind of, dare I say, bullshit, as well.

Let me put this on the record: I am not plastic. I am not pretending to be anyone but me. I am who I am. Just because I am not musically gifted in singing or playing acoustic guitar does not make me any less Polynesian than it does the guys from Nesian Mystik. Just because I am not working in some form of security does not make me any less Polynesian than my big brave cousin who does. I haven’t been to neither of the homelands (New Zealand or Samoa just FYI), but you try and put me on a plane and you will see how difficult of a task that is (see attached).

I get judged a lot just because I am a lot different to the “stereotypical” Polynesian man and have been called a “plastic fob” many times in my life and sometimes worse. It’s ridiculous.

Please, my fellow Polynesians, whether you be Samoan, Tongan, Fijian, Niuean or Maori, we need to learn to stick together and not judge one another just because we’ve had a different childhood. One of the things I most enjoy about our culture is how I can bump into someone whom I’ve never met before and still say hello or give a polite nod just because we have that same cultural similarity. We are some of the most beautiful people on the planet so let’s not change that and let’s please abolish the term “plastic fob.” It tells a better story about the insulter than the insultee.

My name is Nikki. I am Maori. I am Samoan. I am Irish. I am a journalist. I am a rugby league enthusiast. I am video gamer. I am a horror movie lover. I am a country head. I am a pole dancing student. I am my own person. I am not plastic.

– by The Black Widow

The Black Widow’s Bite of Life

Posted in Opinion, Sports by

Don’t let the heading fool you – this isn’t about the actual spider black widow (or me, for that matter).  No, this is in reference to the Black Widow of the WWE, AKA AJ Lee.

AJ_Natalya_nologo_original_crop_650

Don’t get caught in the Black Widow’s web…

Many wrestling critics have praised the crazy-ass woman for resurrecting the WWE women’s division and, to an extent, I have to agree with them; AJ Lee is probably the most over Diva since, I’d say, Kelly Kelly, and both women were popular with the crowd for two very different reasons. Kelly was the beautiful girl-next-door underdog that you couldn’t help but to root for (unless you’re an IWC troll) while AJ is just great at her craft and no matter heel or face, she will always be appreciated. It doesn’t hurt that she’s so down-to-earth and lovely out-of-character.

Women’s wrestling, especially in WWE, had been in a period of stale for a while. The fans were sick of seeing Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix at every PPV and it seemed as if creative had no fresh ideas for the smart, sexy and powerful women. And then AJ was knocked out cold by the Big Show. This was, in my opinion, when the Rise of AJ begun.

AJ began to show personality and flare when tensions between her and then on-screen boyfriend Daniel Bryan began to rise. Nekk minnit, she’s steamrolled over him, CM Punk, Kane, John Cena, Dolph Ziggler, Big E Langston and is now the Divas Champion and will probably break Maryse’s previous record for longest title reign with the Divas Championship.

Throughout her course of failed relationships and bad slut puns courtesy of Jerry Lawler, AJ was pushed to the stars, and she took the ball and ran with it. She has pulled off what would be a difficult character for your every day woman to successfully capture and made it almost a second skin to herself, and she’s shown that she is a damn good wrestler at the same time, creating some solid storylines and matches with the likes of Kaitlyn and Natalya.

Oh, and do you hear the pops she gets when she simply tags into a match? Incredible.

AJ is definitely the Diva of today, but is she the “sole” reason why the Divas division of today is as great as it is?

Yes and no.

With all due respect to Miss Lee, if WWE focused all of the attention they gave to her as they did to, say, Aksana, I’d guess that even Aksana would be as over as AJ Lee is. Aksana has a great character going for her at the moment and she has shown that she has enough charisma and personality to make it on her own, but what she didn’t have to push her to that next Diva level is the amount of push and air time that AJ had. So, in a sense, the success of AJ was bound to happen.

However, the Divas of WWE have been getting a lot more attention and a lot less ignorant “piss break” comments because of the hype the name “AJ Lee” carries. She is probably one of the few women in the WWE today that have a firmly established character that isn’t “happy babyface gal” or “snobby bitch heel”. That reason alone is why Miss AJ will probably hold the record for longest reign as Divas Champion. People tune in to see AJ and, dare I say, a lot less would tune in to see the Funkadactyls.

AJ Lee is currently sitting atop the mountain that is the WWE’s womens division, yes, but with new young and upcoming Divas like Paige and Summer Rae, I’d like to see her try and keep her throne away from the claws of these hungry Divas.

If I may say; AJ, watch out for Summer Rae. She’s over as hell and she hasn’t even hit her peak in WWE yet.

– by The Black Widow

Unthoughtful Gifts for Christmas

Posted in Lifestyle, Opinion by

It’s real simple, when you’re so close to someone that you decide to buy them a Christmas present, don’t half-ass it. This is a little list of what you shouldn’t get people if you actually give a hoot about them. By all means, if you hate them, use this as a shopping guide, or just buy whatever cheap crap Kmart has on its first display shelves.

Socks

And they're always the daggy, long, white type.

And they’re always the daggy, long, white type.

How cute, little Johnny got his dad some snuggly socks for his cold Christmas feet, dad must be so touched by his generous offering. No Johnny, he’s not. Your dad hates you, and I hate you. Every time he puts on those socks he’s going to think of what an awful child you are. Anything, absolutely anything would be better than socks. What’s that Johnny? You drew a cute picture of yourself and dad? Good, frame that shit and give it to daddy, and next time you think of buying socks make sure that they’re for your feet only.

Exception: Buying this gift as a joke for a friend with no feet.

Soap

Wow! With all this soap I won't be so smelly anymore!

Wow! With all this soap I won’t be so smelly anymore!

It doesn’t matter what shape it comes in: bird, fish, tiny love hearts – it’s all shit. Keep in mind that people are typically very good with their hygiene, and they will use their own preferred brands rather than the two dollar, coffee-scented, cat-shaped soap you thought really reflected this person’s interests. Guess what – Personal hygiene is everyones interest, or at least it should be.

Exception: Buying this gift for a smelly, inanimate object.

Candles

Mmm.. Smells like Coles brand.

Mmm.. Smells like Coles brand.

Now this one is a bit tricky because a genuinely good candle will be used and will last long, and picking a scent that is personalised to your loved one is a nice touch. A general rule would be, if you’re getting someone candles (which is a pretty lazy present, but I’ll forgive you), get it from a boutique candle store. Make sure it’s a good brand, because much like soap, if you get it from any dollars and cents store in one of those value bundle gift packs, this person will regift it and give it back to you next year, you heartless monster.

Exception: Buying this present for a person with a phobia of running out of candles.

Self-help Books

Thanks, but I like my reasonably terrible life the way it is.

Thanks, but I like my reasonably terrible life the way it is.

It seems dumb, but I really do have to spell this one out: If you get this for someone their going to think that you assume they need some sort of help in their tragic life. This gift isn’t so much unthoughtful but just downright rude. Maybe if someone has expressed an interest in starting a hobby or learning more about x, then you can get them a book about x. When it’s something like Understanding Men, or Microwave Dinners for One, then it’s very unlikely you’ll be getting a present back.

Exception: If this gift is for yourself and it’s titled: How to not be a dick on Christmas.

Beauty Bundles

Such beauty... so cheap.

Such beauty… so cheap.

Geez, if you’re getting into this territory you’ve just given up. We all know that these packages of makeup or nail polish are the first things we come into contact with while Christmas shopping. They’re obviously cheap, impersonal and surprisingly rubbish – The nail polish comes off within an hour and the makeup is the consistency of chalk. Shame on you if you’ve ever purchased this for a loved-one you genuinely love.

Exception: Buying this gift for any child under the age of eight with a strong passion for budget beauty.

Anything Christmas-themed

No no no!

No no no!

Christmas is for one day – one day out of three hundred and sixty five. This gift will be useful for maybe the week surrounding Christmas, but after that it will be considered pointless. It’s especially bad if you get it on Christmas day or later, because it’s something you won’t get to/have to use until another year has gone by, and by that time you would have thrown it out anyway. For the love of Santa, don’t get anyone a Santa.

Exception: If you’re an elf who gets paid in Christmas ornaments.

Perfume / Aftershave

*Heavy coughing and spluttering*

*Heavy coughing and spluttering*

It doesn’t matter if you get the cheap shit from the chemist or the classy celebrity-labelled brands from David Jones – in the end it’s just cliché smelly stuff, and I don’t even know how that became a go-to gift. A perfume or aftershave is so personal, and people are very picky when it comes to their scent. You will either receive the brand you’ve always worn, which just means this person has been in your bathroom (not that they know you well), or you’ll get one that has about an eighty percent chance of making you ill. It seems nice, maybe because it’s a top-notch brand and this person has spent a butt-load of money on it, but the amount of dollars spent doesn’t make it a good and thoughtful present.

Exception: Buying this gift for someone who only has the sense of smell.

I’m not going to say this is the absolute definitive list, Even on top of the exceptions I’ve thought of there are many more. I just think more people should know that it’s really evident when no thought has been put into a present, and it causes awkward and unpleasant feelings in a relationship. It’s not always the case, but its possible that if you get someone an amazing and thoughtful present they will return the favour.

– by Josefina Huq