Tag Archives: relationship

Dating Nikki: Online dating profiles

Posted in Dating Nikki by

We live in the era of technology and with the introduction of more and more technological upgrades, it has become more common and less socially weird to venture into the world of online dating. Websites like Zoosk, RSVP and Match are being frequented more often and apps like Tinder, Blendr and Grindr are popping up left, right and centre. Finding a date for the night is as easy as a few taps on your smartphone.

To this day, I still don't know what Zoosk means.

To this day, I still don’t know what Zoosk means.

I applaud the change in culture which has made online dating more socially acceptable than it was, say, ten years ago, because not everyone is fortunate to meet their significant others in a nightclub or at a friend’s party. What was only “okay” for the middle aged to do is now a common thing for the young adult to do on their apps. All you have to do is make a profile, put in a few details and you’re off!

However, people still aren’t grasping what is right to put in an online dating profile and what is wrong to put in. This is where Dating Noah is here to help you with. I have browsed a few dating sites and profiles and can pinpoint several things that I like in a profile and several things that I don’t like in a dating profile.

What to put in your dating profile
(+) Correct grammar and spelling. I can’t stress this enough. I am more likely to wink at a moderate-looking person with correct grammar and spelling than a solid 10 whose profile consists of “jst on hea 2 luk 4 ma 1 n only”. I hope you’re shivering reading that because I sure am.
(+) State what you’re looking for in an ideal partner but don’t be too specific about it. It may seem like you’re being a picky bitch but really, you are just saying what you want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that – unless you’re saying “she has to have long blonde hair and legs for days.” Being too specific is being a picky bitch.
(+) Put a few of your goals and aspirations in your profile. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t reached these yet, or you’re still studying at uni, a person with goals is far more attractive than “I live at the gym to get in shape for music festivals.”
(+) Clearly define what you’re looking for in a date, whether that’s someone for a few casual dates, a long term relationship or just someone to fornicate with. I can’t imagine anything being more awkward than going on a date with someone who is expecting some action later in the night while you are praying for Mr./Mrs. Right.
(+) A nice, confident picture. I don’t mean touched up with photoshop taken by a professional photographer, I just mean a picture of you in your element with a nice smile on your face. Other people will find that really attractive, regardless of whether you look like John Gavin or not. Guys: don’t upload shirtless pictures. Please. Girls: keep your breasts neatly tucked in. Try to avoid awkward cropping also.
(+) Speaking of pictures, put a damn picture of your face up. A picture of your mildly impressive torso or your dog or your car is ridiculous.

What NOT to put in you dating profile
(-) While everyone is entitled to a preference of partner, don’t put it bluntly in your profile. Don’t know what I mean? Here’s an example: “No spice, no rice please.” Not only is that racist, it also shows what kind of person you are – ignorant. If someone that you aren’t attracted to approaches you, a polite “No thank you, I’m not interested, but I wish you well in your dating endeavours” would suffice.
(-) A novella about what kind of person you are and what kind of person you are looking for. E-daters generally don’t have the patience to read about how you lost your dog when you were 7 or about the time where you nearly became a firefighter but then didn’t due to injury. Keep your profile short and to the point.
(-) Dating/sex history. Your personal body count should really be kept to yourself, regardless of gender. Putting it all out there for everyone to see is, how do you say, disgusting.
(-) A picture of you with several other friends in the same image. It will confuse others and it may be awkward if someone approaches you saying “Hey sexy, are you that handsome bloke with the brown hair?” and you’re actually the blond guy on the side who looks nothing like the handsome bloke with the brown hair.

Remember, current or aspiring e-daters: be honest. If someone wants to try and shit on you for being honest with yourself and what you’re looking for, they’re just jealous. Oh, and be polite. A knock on someone else may damage them more than you think. Happy (and safe) online dating everyone!

– by The Black Widow

Dating Nikki: The Break Up

Posted in Dating Nikki by

So you’re growing tired of your significant other for whatever reason – they smell and you can’t put up with it anymore, they’re a starfish in bed – and you have ultimately decided, after much thought, that you want to end the relationship. You want it to be as smooth and un-patchy as possible but, of course, something as harsh and hard-hitting as a break up isn’t going to be easy sailing.

Unless you’re dating someone with an irregular heartbeat who can keep calm in any situation, the break up is always going to be difficult.

Well well, look who’s here to help you out.

If only break ups were this easy... and pink.

If only break ups were this easy… and pink.

You want to be as honest as possible without being “too” honest. For example, if you are breaking up due to creative differences, you can’t just say “I want to break up because what you think is shit and wrong and I’m right”, as easy as that would be; you have to put it lightly. In saying that, you can’t lie either. The whole “it’s not you, it’s me” line is such a cop out that I’m sure an innocent baby cries every time this disgusting line is muttered.

Here are a few tips in case you need a little guidance to kick that guy/gal to the kerb… in a nice way:

[x] Plan what you’re going to say so you have a general guide as to how you’re going to do it. Don’t rehearse it so much that you say it word for word; the other person will pick up on the “rehearsal” and will assume you have been planning it for ages.
[x] Try not to be in a public place with a lot of people around. In case shit hits the ceiling, you don’t want poor innocent bystanders watching you with their best sympathetic glances as your now-ex hurls every four-letter-word at you underneath God’s blue sky.
[x] Make sure your mind is made up. If you start to second-guess yourself, it will only further enrage the other party.
[x] Be polite and calm in your delivery. The tone of your voice and how your speech is carried will have a huge impact on the reaction from the other person, so if you’re calm and polite, chances are that they will take it easier.
[x] Choose your words carefully. “You have no goals and are lazy as feck” is better expressed by saying “I feel as if we are looking for different things in life.” See what I did there? Genius.
[x] Don’t point out any faults in the other person or yourself. You shouldn’t have to end a relationship feeling crappy about yourself.
[x] If it’s not meant to be, it just isn’t meant to be. Don’t try and prolong it just because you think it’s going to work.
[x] OPTIONAL: do the break-up over ice-cream. Who am I kidding? This isn’t optional. Do it over ice-cream.

Another important rule that I really shouldn’t have to paint out (because it’s bleedingly obvious) yet a lot of people seem to do it: don’t go straight into another relationship or hook up with someone straight after. It’s inconsiderate and rude and people who do this are usually labelled a slapper; nobody wants to be labelled a slapper. “Jumping from one car to another” is just wrong.

And if you need any suggestions for types of ice-cream to break up over, may I suggest a hot fudge sundae with coffee ice-cream, whipped cream and nuts from Ben and Jerry’s? It works wonders.

– by The Black Widow

Friendships Defined by Facebook Birthday Messages

Posted in Lifestyle by

When you see someone you know at the shops or something, you either think “Oh crap, turn around before they see you” or “Hey it’s Joe, I should go say hello to him.” When you’ve approached Joe, however, you’re stuck as to whether or not you should shake his hand, hug him, give him a good ol’ arse pat or kiss him on the cheek.

I should name this... "Noah's Friendship Theory".

I should name this… “Nikki’s Friendship Theory”.

Exactly when does someone become so close that they graduate from wave to handshake and handshake to hug? Well, I thought about this and I’ve figured it out – the level of love you have for a friend of yours can easily be found by the intensity of a birthday message you write to them on Facebook.

Here’s my theory (and for the examples, I’ll be using “Samantha”):

Wave and/or Smile
These are for people you kind of know but aren’t too close with. These are the ones you’d either “forget” to write to on their birthday, or you’d write something along the lines of:

Happy birthday Samantha.
Happy birthday!
Have a good one!

You don’t love them enough to put in a smiley face or a love heart or some level of enthusiasm to this message, therefore they would be categorised into “Wave and/or Smile”.

Handshake/Fistbump/Hi-five
These are the people who are your friends but you wouldn’t go out of your way to hang with them one on one in case of awkward silences and small talk. You would make an effort to write to these people on their birthday, however a high level of enthusiasm will not be present.

Happy birthday Sammi! Have a solid one!
Happy bday Samantha ❤
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🙂

They have enough brownie points with you to garner a kind love heart or smiley face or even capital letters, but that’s it. Don’t be bothered going out of your way to write them a birthday paragraph on how much they mean to you.

Manhug or Awkward Hug-Pat
The awkward hug-pat, when you hug someone but you aren’t that comfortable so you pat them on the back awkwardly to “show some level of affection”, is a step up from a handshake. This one’s interchangeable, I guess; I have known one of my best friends (Rachel) for six years and we’ve been through a lot together and she still hug-pats me, much to my disappointment. These are your good friends that you haven’t established that strong, solid connection with yet. An example of their birthday message would be:

Happy birthday Samantha! Hope all your wishes come true! Love you.
Happy birthday to you Samantha. I hope you get absolutely shitfaced tonight!

These people warrant more than one sentence so that’s definitely saying something.

Bearhug, Cuddle and Kiss
These are your best friends or the friends that you are so close to that you share the same wardrobe. You have a clearly established relationship with this person and you are not worried to share your feelings with them, as such:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA YOU HOT BITCH. WOOOOO CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT!!
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Samantha, happy birthday to you! Love you baby girl ❤

You may even want to go that extra mile for this person and post a status on your wall dedicated to their birthday, talking about how much you love them, and maybe even add a cute picture of you two for extra oomph.

So next time you see Joe down the street and you think “How do I greet him?”, just think, “What would I write on his Facebook wall on his birthday?” Problem solved. You’re welcome.

– by The Black Widow

Review: Fifty Shades Freed

Posted in Books, Entertainment by

The time for me has finally come… the end of the Fifty Shades trilogy. As always, when I finish a book or book series, it’s bittersweet – I’ve finally reached the ending and all the loose ends of the novel come together (hopefully, anyway) but that’s it. The story’s finished. I’m glad I finally found the spare time in my day to finish this book since I’ve been on it for a good month and a bit.

Bye bye Christian.

Bye bye Christian.

The final leg of Christian and Anastasia’s story arrives in the form of Fifty Shades Freed. As always, if you haven’t read the first two books and intend to, I implore you to read no further than this. The novel starts off with Christian and Anastasia being happily married – or as happily as one could be married to someone as irritating as Anastasia. The novel follows the dramatic rollercoaster their lives take as they live as man and wife.

My first strong initial thought on this novel’s plot was that it seemed like it wasn’t planned. Most of the novel read slow and then voila! Action just springs out of nowhere. And then it goes back to its slow state. It’s as if the author was like “Hmm… nothing interesting has happened… let me chuck in a dramatic twist in the plot to keep readers entertained!” Those were my thoughts anyway. I would imagine an author like EL James had thoroughly planned out the final book in the trilogy.

Can I just say that the epilogue of the novel is adorable? Well, not the first part of it but the rest is #totesadorbs.

Christian and Ana’s relationship is sweet and unconventional. Yes, we get it. Christian loves Ana. Yes, we get it. Until the end of the book, nothing new had developed in their relationship and we were treated with the usual dialogue of “Ermahgerd, my Fifty Shades, my sweet Fifty Shades, I love you, why don’t you believe me?” The interactions between the two characters were so repetitive that it felt like deja vu. Luckily, in a form of saving grace, the storyline picked up by the end of the book and I saw some spark in Christian and he became… human. But Anastasia is still annoying. Nothing will ever save that. Ana, her subconscious and her inner goddess need to, like, leave.

I also felt as if some issues weren’t totally resolved… like Ethan and Mia? What happened with them? I know that Ana took note of them “holding hands” at one point, but then that was it. No further explanation. They could be in love just as much as they could be in their own S&M agreement.

The style of writing was the same. Not impressive but not bad either, with little tidbits of descriptive gold hiding in certain chapters of the book. One thing I thought was good and bad at the same time was the way. Sentences would. Read. Like this. I get that it adds dramatic effect and it makes you feel that Anastasia is, in fact, human, and humans do not think in grammatically correct sentences; at the same time, it got a bit tedious at times and it hurt my eyes. Only a slight exaggeration.

Solst-o-meter:
Storyline: 6.6/10
Style of writing: 6.0/10
Overall:  6.4/10

It was a decent ending but it wasn’t “ERMAHGERD HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT FIFTY SHADES IN MY LIFE” amazing. At least it gave me closure on their relationship with the beautiful epilogue and I feel as if I can move on with my own life without having that constant need of Fifty Shades in my life. Thanks for the wild ride, EL James.

– by The Black Widow