Category Archives: Lifestyle

Sex Talk: Things people think when having sex

Posted in Lifestyle, Sex Talk by

Not all of us are thinking of ways to climax.

Sex is a very intimate thing that brings a connection between two people that no other thing can create. It’s a very intimate and physical connection that can also be spiritual on some level. It’s also hella awkward and slightly uncomfortable if you’re breaking in someone new.

The movies make sex out to be either slow, romantic and flowing, or quick, fast and rough, but nothing is ever as it seems on screen, is it?

It's never this good, is it? (screenshot from True Blood)

It’s never this good, is it? (screenshot from True Blood)

After asking around for a few things to include in this post that guys and gals actually think of when doing the deed, I was humoured and not-actually-surprised-at-all at the responses. If you’re reading this, you may want to re-think your strategy in the bedroom if you don’t want your partner to think about anything but the mediocre job you’re doing.

What girls think
– “Where do I even look when we’re having sex? It’s awkward if I look at him, but if I don’t look at him, he might think I’m bored or he’s doing a bad job. Maybe I’ll just shift in between. Yeah. I’ll do that.”
– “Penises are so weird.”
– “This is so painful. It’s like trying to fit a square into a circle.”
– “How weird is sex? Like people spend hundreds of dollars to stick a pee-pee into a hole. I could buy a new Michael Kors handbag with that money.”
– “‘Because you know I’m all about that bass, ’bout that bass, no treble…’ I hate this song.”
– “Can he hurry up and finish?”
– “The kids are asleep. Why am I not sleeping?”
– “Do I look hot in this position, or do I look like a whale?”
– “I so need to fake this shit now.”
– “I’m so happy I don’t have big boobs ’cause it would really hurt with them flapping all over the place.”
– “I need to pee.”
– “I was expecting bigger. How awkward.”
– “I swear that freckle/mole wasn’t there before. I should get that checked.”
– “Did I shave my armpits?”
– “I wonder how many calories I’m burning doing this.”

What guys think
– “Should I tell her she’s really loose?”
– “I wonder if she really thinks I’m big or she said that to stroke my ego.”
– “I’m a fucking legend.”
– “Would she let me do some freaky stuff to her? Nah. Probably not.”
– “Can she hurry up and finish?”
– “She looks bored. Maybe I should go faster.”
– “She sounds like a dying cow when she moans. Boner kill.”
– “Did I leave the oven on?”
– “The All Blacks are the greatest sporting team in the world.”
– “I am so picturing Jennifer Lawrence right now.”
– “Wow, they really do look like axe wounds.”
– “I’m sweating. This must be really good sex… or I’m unfit. I’m probably just unfit. Yeah I’m unfit.”
– “Did I take the bins out?”
– “Holy shit! Dave Grohl was the devil in The Pick of Destiny?”
– “Ha… vagina.”

Need I say more?

– by The Black Widow

Things that Twelvies say

Posted in Lifestyle by

You’ll either be disappointed or amused. Or both.

If you’re not familiar with the term, a “twelvie” is someone who is in that tween age group who think they’re teenagers who can do whatever they want, but really, they can’t. I’m sorry but if you still need your mother to pick you up from the shops, then you need to get off your high horse. Twelvies don’t have to be 12, they just need to be in that general ignorant era of tween.

Working in retail, you get to hear a lot of interesting stories from interesting people. I myself have experienced stories of love, marriage, break-up and even plain inappropriate (I really don’t want to know about your sex life. Please spare me the details.) Along with the good and funny stories, however, come the bad and plain WTF stories that generally come from those in the twelvy generation.

They are, they really are.

They are, they really are.

I wish I made up the following stories. I really wish I did. However, they are all true, and I have heard all of them while working in customer service.

Story #1
Two twelvy girls are walking around the store, being loud and generally ignorant of the other customers in the store. Moments later, they come to the counter; one girl has a top on sale for $10 and a bracelet for $1. Her friend loudly says – in that annoying, high-pitched valley girl voice, no less – “Oh my god, you’re SUCH a shopaholic!” I’m sorry, what?! She spent a total of $11… if that makes her a shopaholic, I have a life-threatening disease. Literally. A cotton top and a bracelet does a shopaholic not make. Geez.

Story #2
In similar fashion, two twelvy girls are gallavanting around the store talking loudly, their smartphones permanently glued to the palms of their hands. One squeals in delight and says: “Oh my god! Sam* snapchatted me last night. We’re getting pretty serious.” I’m not even kidding. Those words came out of a girl’s mouth. I must be getting “pretty serious” with all of my friends on Snapchat if that logic were to be true. One single snapchat does a relationship not make.
*Name made up because I don’t remember what that poor sucker’s name was.

Story #3
Again, two twelvy girls are walking around the store and they disappear into the change room with a few things. I’m back there cleaning up the store as one walks out wearing a cropped bustier top and a short black pencil skirt. Probably not the most age appropriate outfit, but she still looked nice nevertheless. Well, apparently she didn’t want to look nice, because she soon says – in that annoying, high-pitched valley girl voice – “Does this make me look like a sluuuut?” No. It gets better. Her friend looks her up and down and says “Yah!”, to which the first girl replies “Good!” She wants to look a slut? Good on you. Maybe just hold out a bit longer until you’re 18 at least and not attending primary school.

Story #4
As everyone who works in retail can understand, theft is a big thing to watch, and you can usually tell which ones are up to something (although some come as a surprise!) I had my eye on a bunch of young boys who had walked into the store with their bags, especially because they made a dash for the change room so suddenly. I followed them but made sure to make it discreet and stay out of eye sight. Well, turns out I was right, as one of them says “Do you reckon if I tax this that Jane** will think I’m cool?” Oh dear. Popping my head around the corner, I say “I’m sorry, what are you taxing?” to which the boys dropped whatever they were trying to steal and left the store immediately. If Jane thinks a boy who steals is cool, I’m worried for our country’s future.
**Also can’t remember this chick’s name.

Bonus content!
This didn’t come from a twelvy, but from a man who would’ve been older than me (21+). He was clearly going to Stereosonic and came to the counter with a tank top. I make small chat with him and scan the tank top, to which he says “Hey bro, do you reckon this tank top will rip easily?” Umm… I didn’t know what to say so I did that obviously-fake laugh and gave him his bad and sent him on his merry way.

If this is how the younger generation behave and think, I’m genuinely concerned for our future. All of our wellbeings depend on 12-year-olds who want to look like sluts and boys who think shoplifting is sexy.

Or this girl.

Uh oh.

– by The Black Widow

Social media has ruined dating

Posted in Lifestyle by

“Oh my god, I can’t believe he has another girl in his Snapchat best friends!”

This one sentence is a prime example of how social media has ruined 21st century dating.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: after a lengthy absence, Solstice Satisfaction is back and sassier than ever. Keep tuning in to be entertained in that sassy way only SolSat can do)

Back in the day, couples were more focused on what to wear to their first date or what movie to watch or even what is the surname of their potential date. Now with social media – coupled with the fact that “social media stalking” can give you a ton of information on your date before you have even met him/her – people are more focused on how many girls he’s following on Instagram and why this one guy keeps liking all of her bikini pictures on Facebook.

"OMG he's seen my Snap but hasn't replied. He's SO cheating on me!"

“OMG he’s seen my Snap but hasn’t replied. He’s SO cheating on me!”

A couple of my girlfriends have expressed their concerns with their significant other because:
1) He has a picture with his ex on Facebook that he has neglected to delete or
2) He has other girls in his Snapchat best friends.

Girl bye, why is this even a problem? Even without social media, your fella/lady will still have other friends of the opposite sex. You just weren’t privy to this information beforehand because you couldn’t see what they were doing 24/7.

That’s where the major problem in social media/dating lies: at the touch of a button, you can see who someone is with, what movie they’re watching, what book they’re reading and where they are. All of that information in about 10 seconds tops. In a way, social media has made it “okay” to stalk someone to the point of knowing everything about them, even before they’ve met you. Sometimes you’ll find things that you wish you didn’t see and you will overthink the situation to the point where you have planned out an entire altercation with your loved one before it has even happened.

It’s important to remember that people will always have lives outside of you, so who cares if your boyfriend is following other girls on Instagram or if your boy Snapchats girls that aren’t you? Are you going to shut her out because he has a life? Are you going to withold sex from him because he talks to girls that aren’t you?

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Maybe it is better for everyone to settle their sweet horses down, hop in the river, and just go with the flow. Oh, and stop being a stalker.

That’s rich coming from me as I like to use my “investigative journalistic” skills on people sometimes, but at least I admit I’m a social creep.

I’m sure your relationship will be more enjoyable if you stay out of each other’s social lives.

– by The Black Widow

The Problem with Double Standards

Posted in Lifestyle, Opinion by

First thing’s first, I’m an equalist.

I have given up on the term “feminist“. I’ve now decided that I will label myself as an “equalist” because that is exactly what I want; total equality in all human beings.

Sure, women have it hard in the world where they aren’t afforded the same opportunities as men in some circumstances because of their gender – which is total bullshit – but, as liberal as a human being as I am, men have it hard as well in a different way than women do.

This is where the double standards issue comes in.

Does anyone else want fairy floss after looking at this picture? (Screenshot from "All About That Bass" music video)

Does anyone else want fairy floss after looking at this picture? (Screenshot from “All About That Bass” music video)

Take this picture I saw floating on Facebook recently; in the top half is a cartoon of a regular bloke talking to a heavyset woman, and the man says “Sorry, I prefer to date thinner women,” and there are a bunch of girls in the background saying “BOOO! Typical man!” and “Every woman is beautiful, no matter the shape” and other such things.

In the bottom half, however, is a shorter guy talking to a taller woman, and the woman says “Sorry, I prefer to date taller men”, and the same bunch of girls in the background are saying “Yeah! You tell him girl!” and “I prefer dating taller men as well!”

What makes it okay for a woman to dictate how she would like her man but all of a sudden it’s wrong for a man to do so? Fair enough, most women would not want to be called fat. But most men wouldn’t want to be called short. Men can’t help their height as much as women can’t help their weight (most of the time).

It’s not even just genders that suffer from this.

Take Meghan Trainor’s All About That Bass song (pictured above), where she’s basically singing about how large she is and she’s happy with it. Good on her. But the issue I have is when she says “I’m bringing booty back, go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that.” How is that meant to be empowering to women? What if those “skinny bitches” were actually very lovely women and the men that they have loved them for their great personality and/or gentle soul instead of being “skinny”?

And to put it doubly into perspective, swap the roles around: if a thinner woman, Selena Gomez for example, were to sing a song saying “I love being so thin, tell those fat bitches to back off my man”, shit would be thrown at her something chronic for criticising bigger women. Yet, it’s totally okay to criticise thinner women.

If you want a male example of double standards, then I have one for you.

Gay men and straight men. A gay man says that he doesn’t like a straight man for whatever reason, and I’m assuming most people would be like “Yeah, he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on” and “Good on you! Stand up for yourself!” A straight man says that he doesn’t like a gay man for whatever reason, people would be absolutely slamming him, calling him “homophobic” among other things. If that were true, that would also make the gay man “heterophobic”, wouldn’t it? Why isn’t the gay man criticised as much as the straight man?

The same could be said about black people and white people. Black people make a joke about white people, it’s generally okay. White people make a joke about black people, and you are automatically racist.

Now, I get it. I truly get it. The “minority” groups in these situations have it hard and have had it hard for a very long time and that shouldn’t be the case anymore. I get it. But if we’re striving for equality – and I mean truly striving for equality – then criticising the “majority” groups should not be okay. It isn’t okay.

All humans are born different, raised different, and grow up different. But they all deserve to be treated the same.

Get on the real side of this fight. Not the feminist side, or the misogynist side (if that’s the male form of feminism), or anything like that.

Be an equalist.

– by The Black Widow