The Housewives of Beverly Hills: Ranked

Posted in Entertainment, TV by

You may be surprised to see who is number one.

During this Covid quarantine period, I’ve had to pick up new hobbies and interests; one of those being The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills thanks to my best friend Emilie. Before, I never would’ve seen myself get into a reality show like this, but now it’s become one of my most favourite pop culture things ever!

Who’s the best? And who’s the worst?

I started from season one in June and am now completely caught up to the most recent episode of season ten. I have seen friendships form and explode, drinks thrown across the table, gifted bunnies given back due to a fake superstition, and everything else that a trash reality TV show can provide.

During the show’s 10 seasons, they have featured 18 main cast housewives; this is not including the “friends” of the housewives such as Eden Sassoon and her iconic black wig. As such, Eden Sassoon and the other friends are not eligible for this list.

Emilie and I about to rank the shit out of these housewives.

While discussing this blog post with Emilie, she’s decided she wants to make her own list. So without further ado, here are mine and Emilie’s rankings of the Beverly Hills Housewives.

#18
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave/Taylor Armstrong

N: Teddi is boring, and her attempts to not be boring just make her even more boring. Also, if you’ve been called a shirt stirrer three seasons straight, well maybe it’s time you look in the mirror.
E: Taylor is annoying and insecure.

#17
Brandi Glanville/Garcelle Beauvais

N: It never seemed like Brandi ever really fit in with the group. On top of that, she just seems like a horrible person that says shit about people and then hides behind the fact that she’s “just being honest”.
E: Garcelle was boring. She hardly showed up this season and started petty drama.

#16
Yolanda Hadid/Denise Richards

N: Not once during the entire show did I ever feel an ounce of sympathy for Yolanda. I didn’t relate to her in the slightest, and I found myself waiting for her to leave the show so we could get onto bigger and better things.
E: I loved Denise in season nine but season ten killed it.

#15
Kyle Richards/Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

N: Kyle started as my favourite because she was Paris Hilton’s pretty aunt, but over the years, I have come to acknowledge that she isn’t as great as I thought she was, and she’s a schemer, and I am not okay with it.
E: Teddi’s boring and cries too much.

#14
Kim Richards/Kathryn Edwards

N: I sympathised with her struggles and her battles for maybe the first couple of seasons. After a while, I was over it, and if that makes me sound like a bitch, then so be it. She tended to use her alcoholism as an excuse to get away with shit, and the fact that she would always blame Kyle didn’t help her case either.
E: Kathryn was also boring.

#13
Lisa Rinna/Joyce Giraud de Ohoven

N: Someone who would’ve stayed high on this list had season 10 not happened, Lisa was a fun addition to the show because she’s so carefree and crazy. But then she showed her true colours in season 10 to Denise, and honestly what a piece of shit.
E: Joyce = boring.

#12
Camille Grammer/Carlton Gebbia

N: Camille would’ve been dead last had she not redeemed herself over the years. In season one, she was a deadset piece of shit; she had redeemed herself by season eight, just to show her shitty colours again in season nine.
E: Carlton was a witch.

#11
Kathryn Edwards/Camille Grammer

N: I was neither for nor against Kathryn. She was a nice albeit random addition to the housewives, and I can see why she didn’t last longer than one season. Having a private convo with Erika just to rat her out a couple of days later drops her a few spots on the list.
E: Camille tries too hard.

#10
Taylor Armstrong/Kyle Richards

N: Another one I didn’t really have a connection with, although I felt for her when she came out with her stories of abuse and domestic violence, and I’m so glad she’s out there living her best life with her new man now.
E: Kyle is obsessed with herself and is an attention seeker.

#9
Lisa Vanderpump/Kim Richards

N: LVP is a tricky one. I think she’s cool and amazing and glamorous, but she’s also a manipulator and you can tell she created all of the storylines for seasons 1-9 behind the scenes. Erika was right about her. She’s a sniper from the side, and she’s bloody good at it.
E: Kim is a hot mess but who isn’t?

#8
Garcelle Beauvais/Yolanda Hadid

N: Garcelle was a breath of fresh air for the show, and had big shoes to fill as the ‘replacement’ for LVP. Besides the fact that she was the first black housewife of Beverly Hills which was groundbreaking, she was also super funny and chill and was exactly what the show needed.
E: Yolanda was sweet and funny but she was conniving.

#7
Carlton Gebbia/Brandi Glanville

N: Carlton was bloody off chops and I was all for it. This Wiccan goddess attacking Kyle is one of my favourite memories from this show, and we were honestly robbed of more Carlton goodness by only having her on one season.
E: Brandi is a drunk mess!

#6
Dorit Kemsley/Lisa Vanderpump

N: Dorit is arguably the most stylish of the housewives, and is the reason why I am dying to get a Birkin. While I love her fashion and lifestyle, Dorit is notorious for making mountains out of mole hills, and I don’t understand her need for making shit out of nothing.
E: Lisa was a master manipulator. BRING LISA BACK!

#5
Joyce Giraud de Ohoven/Eileen Davidson

N: A beautiful addition to RHOBH that would’ve done better on later seasons of the show, this former beauty queen stood up for herself in the face of racism and bullying at the hands of Brandi Trashville, and I was all for it. Plus, her hair is simply out of this world.
E: Eileen was the realest housewife of them all.

#4
Erika Girardi/Lisa Rinna

N: Another housewife that would’ve been higher up on the list had season 10 not happened, Erika Girardi is the definition of fabulous. I actually live for Erika Jayne and am obsessed with her music, and her no fucks given attitude towards life is absolutely iconic. Just lay off the Denise attacks, hun.
E: She can’t help herself, and she owns it!

#3
Adrienne Maloof/Dorit Kemsley

N: The absolute best of the first three seasons of the show, Adrienne was the only level-headed and normal one of the housewives. She was usually the peacemaker of the group, but that didn’t mean she was boring at all. Plus I just want her lifestyle… chick is ballin’!
E: Dorit’s fashion is on point!

#2
Denise Richards/Erika Girardi

N: Denise Richards was the reason I started watching the show in the first place. A fan of hers from her Dr. Christmas Jones days, Denise took Adrienne’s role in season nine as the only chill and normal housewife of the group. Season ten is the only reason why she’s not in the number one spot, as her shady behaviour was a bit questionable, whether you believed her or not.
E: Pat the puss, honey!

#1
Eileen Davidson/Adrienne Maloof

N: I will not hear a single bad word about Eileen. If Adrienne and Denise were level-headed peacekeepers, then Eileen was a level-headed goddess. Never one to start drama for the sake of it, but never being afraid to speak her mind or bring up something that was bothering her, Eileen was without a doubt my favourite housewife of the entire series.
E: Adrienne was the voice of reason.

Did you have a different set of rankings to us? Who was your favourite housewife? Let us know in the comments! (But just know that if Eileen is anything less than number five, then I don’t want to hear it.)

– by The Black Widow/Emilie

Six Songs That’ll Make You Change Your Mind About Country

Posted in Entertainment, Music by

When I say yee, you say haw.

It seems within pop culture that the go-to music genre to hate is country, and I truly don’t understand why. I understand that some of the traditional country artists like Willie Nelson and George Strait may not be so appealing to the millennials of today, but the contemporary country music coming out today are producing banger after banger after banger, and I feel if people gave it a chance, they might actually come to liking it.

From artists like Kacey Musgraves to Chris Lane, Lady Antebellum to Little Big Town, there is a touch of country out there for everyone; you just need to know where to find it.

And that’s where I come in. I’m going to point you in that right direction so you can #GiveCountryMusicAChance and I guarantee that you’ll like at least one of the songs on this list.

Without further ado, here are six country songs that’ll make you change your mind on the genre.

1. High Horse by Kacey Musgraves

If you know me, it should come to no surprise to you that my first entry on this list is a Kacey Musgraves song because I stan the absolute fuck out of her. I told my hip-hop, RnB and rap-heavy brother to give this song a go and he ended up loving it!

High Horse comes from Kacey’s latest album, Golden Hour, which won a shit ton of awards for how iconic it is; this track is country infused with disco, catchy pop tunes, and is just overall amazing. If you want to dip your toe into country music, this is a good song to start off with.

2. If I Know Me by Morgan Wallen

I have to thank my handsome friend Faz for this recommendation as he was the one that introduced me to this ultimate banger. I added it to my playlist as soon as he showed it to me and I have not regretted it at all.

This song comes from Wallen’s debut album If I Know Me – which should give you a hint that this album was named after this iconic piece of art – and features a knee-tapping beat, easy to follow lyrics, and some impressive vocals from the man himself. If you’re into pop male artists, then you’ll probably like this song.

3. Take Back Home Girl by Chris Lane ft. Tori Kelly

Are you a fan of a love ballad? Then you’ll like this one!

This song was my introduction into Chris Lane, who has quickly become one of my favourite artists. Featuring some unsurprisingly stunning vocals from Tori Kelly, Take Back Home Girl comes off Lane’s most recent album, Laps Around the Sun; this song is a beautiful love story that your parents will love with a heavy RnB influence on the otherwise country song.

4. Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton

The fact that Chris Stapleton won a shit ton of awards with his debut album Traveller, which this iconic song comes from, should give you a fair idea of how great this song is.

A remake of Dean Dillon and Linda Hargrove’s hit, Tennessee Whiskey features the (pardon the pun) smooth vocals of Stapleton with his unique and powerful voice. If you’re into blues and lounge music, then give this one a go.

5. Snapback by Old Dominion

A song that was definitely written about Nikki Bella and her iconic snapbacks my introduction to Old Dominion, Snapback is country’s version of someone like Trey Songz singing about how beautiful this girl is and how much he wants to date her.

With a catchy chorus, and lyrics vividly that describe Nikki Bella the woman in question, this pop-infused country song has a laidback, easy-going upbeat vibe that could turn even the most anti-country person into a believer.

6. You Look Good by Lady Antebellum

The lead song from their seventh album, Heart Break, You Look Good was the reinvigoration that Lady Antebellum needed in their career after their somewhat-success of their previous album, 747.

You Look Good has the unsurprisingly amazing and contrasting vocals of Charles Kelley and Hillary Scott, but also has a new funky jazz influence that Lady Antebellum haven’t really channeled before. This daring change was a huge success as this is easily one of my favourite Lady A songs of all time.

So if you’re looking to add a bit of country spice to your playlist, but don’t want to get into the hardcore country style of music (just yet), give these songs a listen and I guarantee you’ll be playing the country music channel more.

– by The Black Widow

What in the Actual F Was My Teacher, My Obsession

Posted in Entertainment, Movies by

Cue me screaming “WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN”.

I wasn’t expecting anything special from a movie called My Teacher, My Obsession, let’s be honest. It looked like one of those poorly acted midday Lifetime horrors, which is about as accurate as saying the sky is blue on a sunny day. Nevertheless, this was the third movie on my “Bronchitis Bedridden Netflix Movie Review” list so here we go.

My Teacher, My Obsession is a movie that gives the whole plot away in the damn title psych thriller film starring a bunch of people I’ve never heard of before Lucy Loken and Rusty Joiner. And before I go on, can we just quickly talk about how this guy’s name is Rusty Joiner. Like are you serious? About a million dirty jokes just popped into my head thinking about the name Rusty Joiner. I forgot what I was talking about now.

Love me some serious over-the-shoulder action.

As the name suggests, Loken’s character Kyla becomes infatuated with Rusty’s character, Chris (or Mr. Sumner), who starts a new teaching job at her school. Kyla befriends Chris’s daughter Riley (played by some other chick I’ve never heard of Laura Bilgeri) in a ploy to get closer to Chris, and, well, you know where this is going.

And SPOILER WARNING, even though the title pretty much is spoiler enough.

First and foremost, I think it’s important for me to say that this movie was horrendous. Like, very horrendous. Director Damian Romay, you should be ashamed.

There were several points in the movie where I was truly convinced that the people in this movie were doing this as a joke or something, and this film was a parody of midday Lifetime thriller movies with overdone storylines. But after doing some personal research, unfortunately, this movie was done in all seriousness, so I guess I should finish this review off.

So long story short, Kyla has the hots for Chris and befriends Riley, gets jealous of literally anyone who talks to him and schemes these baseless plots against people like the stereotypical mean girl Trisha who also has the hots for Chris, and her own mother who begins dating Chris… yes, her own mother.

Some of these ridiculous plots include:
– Pretending to be watched by a pervert to interrupt her mother’s date with Chris;
– Stealing Trisha’s flip phone, taking “racy” photos of herself with said phone, and then stuffing her own locker with printed out copies of said photos with “slut” written all over them to frame poor pretty Trisha;
– Sexting Chris from Trisha’s stolen phone to make her mother break up with him.
– And my personal favourite, calling Trisha to meet up with her after getting the poor girl investigated by the police, and then beating herself up and breaking her own damn fingers in front of Trisha while the dumb blonde is like “What are you doing?” and then crying that Trisha wholloped this crazy ass mfer.

Kyla is la-la-la-loca, in case you’re having trouble keeping up.

While it sounds like all the blame should be going to Kyla for being psychotic – even though there is no real reason why she should be this unhinged because the film didn’t give us a good enough reason for her to be – the award for supporting male lead in this toxic and also illegal relationship goes to Chris, who is as stupid as he is fine.

Mr. Sumner in all of his stupid-but-fine glory.

So after succeeding in making her mum dump his ass, he’s out on their driveway sitting in his dump truck, and Kyla gets into his car and starts hitting on him and then even mounts the poor fucker, and Chris does literally nothing to stop her. Maybe somewhere in the midst of his poorly acted lines he said something like “No. Stop.”, but he doesn’t, and the girl ends up pashing him while he just sits there. But then the guy just goes to school the next day like nothing happened! WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

Better yet, after convincing Riley to have a party at her house for her 18th birthday, Kyla sneaks off into Chris’s room, manages to seduce him somehow even though homeboy knows this is wrong and his daughter and all of her friends are literally outside the window, and then they nearly end up bonking until Riley walks in and catches them. And the movie wants us to believe that Chris is “so damaged from his cheating ex-wife and breaking up with Kyla’s mum” that he was susceptible to seduction by this little mf hoe. WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

If you’ve kept up this far, just wait… it gets even better.

In the climax of the movie, Chris is at the school clearing out his desk because he plans to quit to get away from Kyla’s ass – even though his teaching career should be well and truly over – and Riley’s there taking photos for some school thing… and Kyla manages to break out of the hospital she put herself in WITH A FUCKING SCALPEL, stabs Riley, holds Chris at SCALPEL point in an attempt to bonk him even though he could’ve clocked the stupid girl with those massive arms of his, kills this poor janitor just for trying to help Riley, knocks out Chris by accident and is like “Omg what did I do”, and then Riley knocks her out with A FUCKING CAMERA. AND THEN KYLA SURVIVES THIS BEATDOWN AND SOMEHOW DOESN’T GET THROWN INTO PRISON FOR KILLING THIS POOR JANITOR. WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

The acting was abysmal; the storyline managed to make no sense whatsoever even though it’s been done before; none of the characters reactions to things made any logical sense whatsoever; and pray tell me how tf this little girl manages to kill someone and incite fear into a bunch of other people and not get incarcerated for it.

If there was a saving grace to this movie, it was:
A) Rusty Joiner is fine af and;
B) The chick who played Trisha was also very ridiculously attractive.

Trisha: an unsung hero.

I am genuinely upset that I wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this absolute sack of shit that’s trying to disguise itself as a movie. And I’m ironically sad that this movie will take up space on my website.

Tl;dr: don’t waste your time even reading this movie’s synopsis.

And to everyone involved with this film, I’ll pray for you.

– by The Black Widow

Happy Death Day is WAY Better Than You’d Think

Posted in Entertainment, Movies by

Feel like being pleasantly surprised?

In the second addition of “Bronchitis Bedridden Netflix Movie Reviews”, I mindlessly turned on Happy Death Day after skimming over the synopsis, thinking that this would help me pass the time in my neverending quest to get rid of this damn illness.

So Happy Death Day is a comedy/thriller/horror starring Jessica Rothe as Theresa, or Tree… because if your name was Theresa, you would want people to give you a nickname like Tree. Anyways, Theresa (because I refuse to acknowledge her as Tree) is your standard blonde sorority bitch who celebrates her birthday by getting murdered by a masked killer. But then she wakes up on the same day and has to re-live the day where she gets murdered until she figures out who’s doing it.

Sounds kinda lame, right? Well you, like me, would be wrong!

Gruesome and all… but why do I suddenly feel like cake now?

Consider this your SPOILER WARNING. And I highly recommend that you watch this movie so you can be wowed like I was.

Theresa starts off as a bitch and you kind of don’t mind that she dies; she’s dismissive of her friends and people she deems ‘lower’ than her, and you just don’t want her to have a happy life. I thought about how this movie was going to get anyone to feel sympathetic for this bitch if she was the heroine, but they managed.

So she re-lives the day and starts to realise how much of a c-bomb she is, and on her journey to figure out what’s happening and who’s killing her, she also begins to self-reflect and figures out that she should start being nicer to people. There we go. Getting sympathy for the girl. And when she realises that she has an “unlimited amount of lives” upon dying and resetting the day, she actually turns out to be pretty funny and relatable.

The thing that I loved most about her days resetting was how they could easily differ from one another; there was no set formula to how her day could or should go. On the first night she’s lured into a tunnel and is killed; one day she barricades herself in her room, thinking she’ll escape death, but then is killed; one night she is drowned to death (and then wakes up vomiting… nice touch.) None of her runs followed a set routine mostly (even though she would wear the same outfit for the party), and I thought that was a nice touch for this Groundhog Day inspired film.

After my disappointment with Secret Obsession‘s lack of twist, I was hoping for something good. And boy did this movie provide. At the beginning, you’re going through everyone in Theresa’s life, trying to think who could possibly have a strong enough motive to kill the dumb bitch (spoiler: everyone does). And after she deduces that everyone has an “alibi” of sorts, you’re led to believe that the person that is trying to kill her is a serial killer John Tombs that targets young, beautiful women and escapes his restraints at the hospital. But then in the end, you find out that you were very wrong.

Even though I gave a spoiler warning, I don’t want to tell you what the twist is because you will never see it coming, and boy is it satisfying when you see it for yourself.

On top of this pretty damn good storyline that successfully blends thriller with comedy, you get a stellar acting performance from Jessica Rothe, who plays the selfish, manipulative turned comedy heart of gold character so perfectly that you would think the role was tailor made to her. While the characters seemed to be very stereotypical – Theresa included – it was nice to see some of them break out of the mould.

Theresa Gelbman: a bad bitch.

The storyline, while albeit a bit borrowed and overdone, was done in a new and refreshing way, and the fact that it was done in a film that’s a blend of genres was what made it super endearing to me.

Tl;dr: this movie is way better than you would think, and you should definitely hang around for the twist ending.

Anywho, I was delighted to see that there was a sequel made called Happy Death Day 2u, so I cannot wait to watch this one and see how the legend of Theresa is continued.

– by The Black Widow