How to Get Dumped (On Purpose!)

Posted in Lifestyle by

This one’s for the ladies out there.

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who is a nice guy and everything but you weren’t feeling that spark anymore? You really wanted to end things with him but didn’t have the heart to dump him because he was such a quality bloke? Or what about that guy you had a one night stand with and, thinking that was going to be it, you walk off and start receiving calls and messages from him saying “You’re not like any other girl he’s ever met”. You’re too kind to flip him the bird… so what do you do?

Well, if you’re either one of those girls, it’s simple: make him want to dump you. Inspired by one of my favourite movies How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, I am here to give the women out there tips and advice on how to make a guy find you so darn repulsive and irritating that he will be running away with his tail in between his legs.

Smother him in front of his friends
Men like to appear very unattached and masculine in front of their friends, so if you were to drop by at a footy night at his place with a basket full of muffins and strawberry milkshakes made for him and all of his friends, chances are you will nearly embarrass the man to death. Ask “pookie” if he wants you to tuck him into bed later that night or read him a bedtime story. Tell “sugarmuffin” how much you absolutely love him in front of his friends and recall a time where he was so romantic that his friends laugh. Cuddle up to him on the couch while he’s trying to watch his beloved Brisbane Broncos play the Bulldogs and continue interrupting his game by kissing him or telling him how cutesy wutesy he looks.

Channel your inner Cher Horowitz
You’ve seen Clueless right? About the vapid blonde who has a heart of gold? Well, amplify that by about 1000x and tell your man how absolutely horrified you were that the Manolo Blahnik’s you thought were on sale were actually mispriced. Errgh, what a tragedy! Men aren’t interested in your girly dilemmas and most likely will not understand them. No man will happily sit through a lecture about the differences between wax and laser hair removal, or why wearing lip gloss and lip stainer creates a better effect than lipstick. Bore him to tears with your femininity and he will be pissbolting out that door before you can even say Chanel.

Baby talk
Men like being men; strong, adult humans of the XY chromosome, so talking to them as if they’re cute puppies or adorable little toddlers will drive them insane. His name’s Michael? Not anymore! It’s Mikeypoobear from now on! Chris? Chrissyboy! David? Daveywavey! Also in reference to “Smothering him in front of his friends”, vamp up the baby talk so bad that you may even forget that he is actually a full-time working businessman. Grab those cheeks of his at the most inappropriate times and shout “GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO” and I will assure you, the last thing he is thinking is how much he wants to be with you.

Bring the future to you
You know what scares a man even more than a scary clown bed? The future, more specifically, paving his future from him. Sit him down with a nice bowl of strawberry ice-cream and tell him how you plan on moving to Los Angeles to follow your dream of becoming an actress after getting married to him in a traditional family wedding with four bridesmaids and groomsmen. When you’re living in Los Angeles, of course, he will be staying at home with your six children being the househusband because your aspirations are much more important than his. Your children will naturally be in the order of a boy, a girl, two boys, and two girls, and you would even know the names of these children whilst having this conversation over strawberry ice-cream. After finishing this discussion, if he is still sitting there… the man has issues.

Pointless phone calls and other forms of communication
Call that man in the middle of the night when he is trying to get some important Z’s in and tell him what you had to eat that entire day and whether or not he thinks you’re overweight or not. Write on his Facebook wall every 2 minutes with a cute love heart or smiley face or even both put together! Flood his text inbox with messages asking him what he is doing and whether he is thinking about you. Leave a dozen or so voicemessages on his phone asking where he is and why he isn’t answering his phone. I can’t think of a worse punishment to be honest.

Irrational jealousy
Jealousy is commonly associated with the colour green. You want to appear so green that the Hulk would be jealous of your cool tan. Call your man and when he picks up on the second ring, accuse him of cheating on you because he didn’t answer on the first. Ask for his Facebook password and when he questions why? Tell him it’s because he has other females as friends on Facebook and you want to see if any of them are inboxing him. Grill him for being closer with his mother than he is with you – because that’s a completely rational thought to have, right?

As you are reading this, I expect a few men will be cringing and even a few women might, because nothing would be more painful than having to sit through all of that for someone you apparently love. If that doesn’t work? Slap a restraining order on the bloke because there is no way someone sane will hang around after doing all that to him!

– by The Black Widow

6 Worst Video Game Movie Adaptations… Ever

Posted in Entertainment, Movies, Video Games by

As a gamer — not a hardcore, intense gamer, but a gamer nonetheless — I always finish a (good) game and sit there and think “Man, I wish someone would make this into a movie so I can see it unfurl in live-action!” Hint hint, Last of Us. In saying that, there are sometimes when I think about punching myself for ever letting such a thought enter my head.

The following list compiled by myself are the worst excuses of live-action video game film adaptations ever made by humankind… ever. With these movies, maybe it was best left to the imagination… potentially change “maybe” to “definitely” and you’ve got yourselves a deal.

6. Mortal Kombat (1995)

Sonya and Cage having a heart to heart. Naw.

Sonya and Cage having a heart to heart. Naw.

Of all the fighting game series that I have been introduced to in my twenty-year life span, Mortal Kombat is without a doubt my favourite, what with all the blood, gore and flying fireballs. And then they made a live-action movie. Granted, I was two when this movie was released but this movie is so atrociously bad that I enjoy it. The acting is really terrible saved only by the staunch badassness by Bridgette Wilson. The graphics are so cringeworthy, Ed Boon must’ve been rolling around in his grave. And he isn’t even dead. Also, why is Goro made out of plastic?

5. Max Payne (2008)

Why so serious, Marky Mark?

Why so serious, Marky Mark?

I’ve played maybe one Max Payne video game in my entire life and didn’t find it all that enthralling to be honest, but I at least had a fair idea of what should happen if it were made into a live action movie. Noting that they cast one of my personal favourites (Mark Wahlberg), I was expecting a pretty badass movie. What I received, however, was a cluster of confusion and “what the hell is going on?” I literally do not understand what happened in the movie – at all. People were shooting on a drug called valkyr which made the user hallucinate and see valkyrie flying in the air… and then they’d die. And Mila Kunis was in there somewhere. The solid acting of Mark Wahlberg is probably the only thing that is watchable about this film. God bless you, Marky Mark.

4. Street Fighter (1994)

The evil castle just blew up... let's pose!

The evil castle just blew up… let’s pose!


Another solid fighting video game series that decided to go the mile and make a live-action film was Street Fighter. With the casting of Jean Claude Van Damme who was probably the biggest Hollywood star at the time, what could possibly go wrong? Hmm, maybe everything, as it turned out. The acting, even on behalf of JCVD, was terrible. The characters were so far from the actual characters from the game, you wouldn’t even know who they were – Ryu and Ken, the main badass guys from the series, were made out to look like obnoxious teen dweebs. Let’s not forget to mention the blatant sexism in the movie; whenever Cammy and Chun Li interacted with each other, a comment about the other’s physical appearance was made like they were catty high school girls. Was that absolutely necessary? The saving light of this movie? JCVD is amazing.

3. Tekken (2010 film)

At least Roger Huerta was something to look at?

At least Roger Huerta was something to look at?

Speaking of fighting video game movie adaptations that got characters so wrong that it was sometimes hard to watch… here’s Tekken! Ever since Tekken 4, Christie Monteiro has been my go to gal, what with her cool capoeira moves and “Go easy on me!” starting line. Everyone and their dog know Christie’s fighting style is capoeira, so when (movie version) Christie announced she done some form of mixed martial arts… needless to say I was very disappointed. Not only that, but the serious no-bullcrap Nina was replaced by a promiscuous, Maxim covergirl lookalike who enjoyed her sister’s company – none of which are apparent in the game. Also as a sidenote, the storyline and fighting were atrocious. I was very, very unsatisfied by this film so much that I was angry that I had spent time watching it.

2. Alone in the Dark (2005)

You go girl!

You go girl!

One of the pioneers of the horror genre of video game, Alone in the Dark has had a cult following since its inception. When it was announced that Christian Slater and Tara Reid were cast, you would expect a pretty good movie. Wrong! So wrong! This movie had several plot holes, shotty acting and Tara Reid’s role in the movie was rather unnecessary other than something to look at and a romantic foil for Slater’s character. It had absolutely nothing to do with the video game series besides the character’s names and, just like the Tekken movie, I was angry that I had sat down and spent time to watch it.

1. Super Mario Bros. (1993)

They're so happy, probably because the movie's over.

They’re so happy, probably because the movie’s over.

One of the best things to happen in the year of 1993 was the birth of yours truly. One of the worst things to happen in that year, however, was the Super Mario Bros. live-action film that was so terrible, I would much rather eat a chilli soup than sit down and spend the near hour-and-a-half watching this. If there was one video game (series) that was pretty much destined to NOT turn into a live-action film, it was Mario and his whacky adventures. There was absolutely nothing right about this movie, besides the fact that Mario wore red and Luigi wore green. Definitely, in my humble opinion, the worst video game film adaptation ever. So far, at least.

So a quick wrap-up note to all the budding directors out there who may want to turn one of my favourite video games into a movie (cough cough Last of Us). Do so at your own peril, because if you portray it wrong, a bunch of nerds will be on your case so fast you won’t even have time to scratch your buttocks.

– by The Black Widow

Review: Walking Disaster

Posted in Books, Entertainment by

If you think having your heart broken over a fictitious novel is outrageous, then having your heart broken over the same fictitious novel written from two different perspectives is downright bizarre. With Walking Disaster, the sequel to Beautiful Disaster also written by Jamie McGuire, it’s true. It’s damn true.

RELATED LINKS: Beautiful Disaster review on SolSat

Walking Disaster - every story has two sides.

Walking Disaster – every story has two sides.

In Walking Disaster, the reader takes the perspective of Travis Maddox, the badboy hearthrob from Beautiful Disaster. The novel travels through the events written in Beautiful, except from Travis’ perspective, making the story more interesting and intriguing as a whole.

The world of Travis and Abby was much more clear in Walking, not just because you saw the second half of the story but just because Travis as a character had a much more clear head than Abby and knew what he wanted from the beginning. It is because of this clarity that I was glued to this book. It tied up all the loose ends created in Beautiful and did it in such a succinct manner that Jamie McGuire needs to be given some sort of medal for it. Seeing all the “skipped scenes” in Beautiful being written in Walking was very fulfilling to those like myself who were thirsty for some more of Travis and Abby shenanigans.

In regards to Travis knowing what he wanted from the beginning – that being Abby – the relationship between the two protagonists was much more beautiful from Travis’ opinion. While Abby was in denial about her feelings for Travis in Beautiful, Travis knew he was head over heels for the fiesty girl from the get go and it was so beautiful seeing this troubled heartbreaker go through such a dramatic change. I empathised with this book so well that I had my heart broken again – in the same parts as last time – even though I was reading as Travis.

Walking Disaster was written in the same manner as Beautiful Disaster but the way the words fell onto the page clearly illustrated the difference in minds between Abby and Travis which, ta da, made this book so great! The language used was grabbing and sophisticated and made the book all the more enjoyable to read. McGuire captured the mind of a young male very well and I have to say that I thought the inner workings of Travis’ mind was much more entertaining than Abby’s.

The storyline was the same as Beautiful Disaster, obviously, but even saying that I still found it interesting just because I was going through the other half of the story, especially with the little tidbits not touched upon in Beautiful. Travis and Abby’s love story is addictive and as dangerously obsessive as they the characters find it. Seeing what was going through Travis’ mind when he made some of his (foolish) decisions made me empathise with him and not mentally throw a shoe at him for bringing home two girls from the Red.

Solst-o-meter
Storyline: 8.6/10
Style of writing: 8.2/10
Overall: 8.4/10

I’m hooked on Travis and Abby and I can’t get over it. I even have a couple of songs on my playlist that remind me of their relationship and I get emotional when I listen to them just because I think of their love story. Walking Disaster is just as great as Beautiful Disaster, if not, greater. I’m hanging out for some kind of third book in the series to fill this void in my life but if that doesn’t happen, I’ll happily go back and read through Beautiful and Walking again – and let Travis break my heart another two times.

Absolutely excellent read and I recommend this to everyone, no matter what your preference in read is!

– by The Black Widow

Tipping for Dummies: Finals Week 1

Posted in Sports by

It’s that time of the year again! No, I’m not referring to some special holiday, but moreso to the finals of the NRL! Apologies for the lack of TFD last week, I forgot the week started on Thursday and after watching the Broncos win their last game for 2013 and send off Princey in high spirits, I realised “Shoot! I didn’t put in my tips!” Whoops. Anywho… welcome to Tipping for Dummies!

Everybody's favourite "Tipping for Dummies!"

Everybody’s favourite “Tipping for Dummies!”

I just love the feeling knowing we are getting step by step closer to finding out the Premiers of 2013! Let’s get this thing started!

Friday 13th September, 2013
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs. Melbourne Storm
This one, in my sweet and humble opinion, is going to be a helluva game between these two top teams. Both the Bunnies and the Storm have carved through their competition throughout the entire year and it all comes down to this. One notable mention for the Storm’s side is that Widdop has been named on the interchange and, seeing as I have a soft spot for Widdop, this is excellent news! Here’s to hoping he goes well tonight.

SolSat’s Prediction: South Sydney Rabbitohs

This is definitely a very, very difficult one to predict. My decision to tip the Storm is based purely on the Bunnies lackluster performance last week and Inglis’ seeming mismatch against his former team. Ever since joining the Bunnies, Inglis has not beaten the Storm in a game and with those statistics in mind, I’m backing the Storm to take this one on. I also want Ryles to go out in a blaze of glory because he so surely deserves it.

Saturday 14th September, 2013
Cronulla Sharks vs. North Queensland Cowboys
Team no.5 takes on team no.8 at Allianz Stadium as the Sharkies collide with the Cowboys. Both of these teams have had a decent year, nothing more, nothing less. The Sharks have an influx of returns for their finals match with Gallen, Carney, Graham, Bukuya and Tupou returning while the Cowboys regain (my favourite Cowboy) Matt Scott back in his rightful no.8 jersey.

SolSat’s Prediction: North Queensland Cowboys

While the Sharks have been great and the reinforcements back into their squad will help, the Cowboys have proven to be dangerous opponents in recent weeks, chalking up impressive win after impressive win. They have hit top form at the end of the season and that is why I’m predicting a Cowboys win in this one. Go Scotty!

South Sydney Roosters vs. Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles
Taking place 3 hours after at Allianz Stadium is the Chookies vs. the Eagles. Just like the Bunnies/Storm game, this one is going to be a very hard one to tip seeing as both teams have proven why they deserve to be in the top 4. According to the NRL website, the Roosters still have yet to name a no.8 with Waerea-Hargreaves still under scrutiny from last week’s shenanigans. With rumours that Georgey Rose could be heading to the Storm, this may be his last game as an Eagle if they were to lose.

SolSat’s Prediction: South Sydney Roosters

I’m going with the Roosters on this one based purely on the fact that they are currently on the top of the ladder. In their previous two encounters in the year, the Chookies have also beaten the Eagles so with that in mind, here’s to a Roosters victory on Saturday night.

Sunday 15th September, 2013
Canterbury Bulldogs vs. Newcastle Knights
Wrapping up the first week of finals in the NRL is the Doggies taking on the Knights at ANZ Stadium. Both teams have been great all season with a couple of mismatches here and there but nevertheless they have earned their spot in the top 8. Barba has been named on the bench for the Bulldogs and on the Knights side, this may be the last game for Buderus if they Knights were to lose after having a great home send off last week against the Eels.

SolSat’s Prediction: Newcastle Knights

I know it’s not wise to do so, especially in an actual money-betting environment, but I’m tipping with my heart on this one and choosing the Knights to take the victory. I have a soft spot for Buderus and think he is an absolute NRL legend and I am therefore hoping that the Knights will defeat the Bulldogs just to keep Buderus’ dreams alive – and me happy.

As always, I am keen as mustard for this weekend and will be glued to the TV to watch all of this week’s NRL action unfurl. Here’s to some solid footy!

– by The Black Widow