Easter as an Atheist

Posted in Opinion by

Every guy knows that you should wait three days before calling a girl you like. It’s just standard practice that, apparently, started about 2000 years ago.

Our main man J-Christ had dinner with some mates and his “just-a-friend” Mary one Thursday night, fell super hard for the blonde bombshell and felt the need to go underground- the old-school equivalent of turning off his iPhone- for three days to make sure he didn’t call her before noon on Sunday. Nobody wants to look too eager. Nobody wants to look too boring, either, and our leading lad knew that coming back from the dead was a pretty cool way to stand out from all the other guys who had pizza and beer with Miss Mags.

"Three days, bro. Trust me."

“Three days, bro. Trust me.”

Like anything, over the last couple of millennia the exact origins of Easter have turned into a bit of a game of Chinese Whispers. Somehow we’ve gone from the mourning/celebrating the life, death and undeath of the world’s saviour to hunting for Easter eggs while parents bemoan the cost of petrol over the long weekend and the difficulties of roadtripping with three kids on a sugar high.

Also, someone needs to explain how a rabbit handing out eggs came into the picture and why nobody thinks that is at all bizarre. I have a lot of questions about that, but we won’t go into them. All I will say is that nobody who has seen Donny Darko should feel comfortable about letting their children go up to rabbits handing out chocolate in the streets…

Me, sixteen years ago. I think I'm still the same height.

Me, sixteen years ago. I think I’m still the same height.

Those of you who have followed me on SolSat will know that I’m a bit cynical (I know what you’re thinking- “just a bit? Ha”, but shut up. Let’s be optimistic). I’m not against religion, I just don’t hold any theological beliefs myself. I’m aware of the hypocrisy that comes with celebrating a holiday I don’t believe in so when it comes to Easter, I, like most atheists, get to pick and choose what I want to put my faith in.
– Chocolate eaten at Easter has no calories.
– Hot Cross buns are a source of happiness, not carbs.
– Chicken is an acceptable replacement for fish on Good Friday. So is steak.
– Whether I believe in it or not, I’ll always support a four day weekend.
– Sunday is a good day for a feast.
– ‘Bright Monday’ sounds about as legit as Bonza Bottling Day but unlike BBD, this one is a public holiday so I’ll eat left-over hot cross buns and keep my opinions to myself.

One thing I think we an all agree on though, no matter our religion, creed, or gender (I’d say age, but kids are more concerned with the chocolate than anything else), is that the most important Easter tradition is spending time with the people we love. I know it sounds trite, but it’s true. Holidays like this, whether they’re actually real like Thanksgiving in America or “real” like Easter and Christmas, bring people together.

The other theory of Easter is of course that Jesus just had a really big night out on $3 Thursday at the local tavern and couldn’t get out of bed until Sunday so for those of you planning a big weekend, don’t feel guilty. For this weekend, and this weekend only, there is an 11th commandment: “Don’t do as I say, do as I do.” Basically, have a bloody good weekend and forget all the rules. You’ve got Monday off to nurse the hangover, so enjoy yourself.

Happy Easter everyone!

– by Blaire Gillies

The Beautiful People: Jon Cutler

Posted in People by

Solstice Satisfaction had the privilege of interviewing this gentleman a few years back when SolSat didn’t really exist. But hey, as long as it’s our content, I can re-publish it. This man is Jon Cutler – professional wrestler, fitness model, fitspiration and all-around beautiful Canadan gentleman.

Introducing “The Beautiful People” section to the site, we highlight some names that you may know or may not know and talk everything with them, from their inspirations in life to what they had for breakfast that day. It is a wonderful privilege to introduce Jon Cutler as our first beautiful person, interviewed by our sassy editor, Noah.

We'll give you a second to pick your jaws up off the floor.

We’ll give you a second to pick your jaws up off the floor.

Jon Cutler
QUICK FACTS
– From Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada – THAT’S IT! BACK TO WINNIPEG!
– He’s a Cancerean. The line starts over here, ladies.
– 6’3, 245 lbs of beautiful blonde Canadian man.
– Former professional wrestler who performed for WWE and FCW.

DISCLAIMER: This interview of sorts was conducted via Twitter messaging – the answers solely belong to Jon Cutler.

SolSat: Beware: this is going to be as formal as a red g-string at a White Party.

Jon Cutler: Well… I guess we’ll just see what the questions are lol.

SS: Oh, don’t worry, they won’t be stupid but if you do for some reason feel uncomfortable answering any, feel free to tell me to f#$% off.

JC: I won’t say f#$% off, may just say next lol.

SS: Okay. Standard question: which one of the six Avengers (from the movie) would you like to be and why?

JC: I guess as cool as Iron Man is, I probably lean towards Hulk still. As a kid, that’s the main one out of the Avengers I can remember always reading comics on or watching cartoons, movies, etc. The strength, intelligence when Bruce Banner, the green tan… who wouldn’t wanna be green? It’s too bad He-Man was never picked up by Stan Lee… now that was a character I enjoyed watching as a kid.

SS: Really? Hulk? But he’s so… out of control.

JC: Yeah true he is, but I guess sometimes I can really relate to that, you know when frustrations are all building up inside.

SS: Next question: Being a Cancerean, does that mean you’re a hopeless romantic? You will note these questions are extremely random.

JC: Is that what it means to be a Cancer? Well I understand myself even more now lol. I guess I have not been much of a wanderer. I want to take care of someone and be taken care of too, I suppose. It isn’t always the easiest road to take… it takes a lot of trust.

SS: I take my astrology very seriously so I could tell you several things about yourself you wouldn’t even know.

JC: You probably could I bet.

SS: Next question: Biggest celebrity crush? Besides me, of course.

JC: Besides you… and Ellen of course, just kidding. Come on… biggest as in 1? The best I can do is narrow it down to 4. Best I can do.

SS: Fine. Top 4. You’re no fun.

JC: Jennifer Aniston, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Alba and Jennifer Love Hewitt… I always remember liking those celebs. How can I possibly narrow that list down? I tried, haha.

SS: HOW STUNNING IS KATE BECKINSALE! It’s almost to the point that it’s unfair. Moving on. Do you think you have one more match left in you, more specifically, in Australia with me as your babe of a manager?

JC: Too funny. Well I do not know but I have learned that in wrestling, never say never. Anyway, got some friends down under to visit if I made it to Australia, Niki Nitro and Tenille Tayla.

SS: Ooohh I love Tenille Tayla [WWE’s Emma]! She’s amaze.

JC: She is, real sweety too. Niki is pretty cool too.

SS: Moving on, what are your thoughts on One Direction?

JC: Ok, so for One Direction… that What Makes You Beautiful song is pretty catchy, I will admit that.

SS: Jonny you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you take a bump gets me overwhelmed. Talented right?

JC: Lol, nice… I see what you did there.

SS: Is that all you’re going to admit about them? I bet deep down underneath that 300 lbs of muscle, you’re a diehard Directioner like me.

JC: Lol well that’s all I admit for now lol

SS: Anywho, moving on, being a (WWE) Diva fan myself, I must ask – who are your all-time favourite female wrestling personalities?

JC: Well from different eras and in that order too… I would say Mae Young, Miss Elizabeth, Sherri, Sunny and Trish Stratus. From Mae Young era… hard to remember ones from there though, I was a huge Hulkamaniac at that time around Wrestlemania 1 or 2.

SS: Sunny is one of my all time faves. Who would you cite as your main inspiration into becoming a professional wrestler? And you can’t say me.

JC: Ok other than you, early on as far back as I can remember it was Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, Ricky Steamboat and Piper… as I got older, it was Rock and Jericho. I can remember watching Dusty Rhodes too and his promos, between him and Piper, I guess I really enjoyed their promos.

SS: Apparently you got good feedback from Jericho on your match with the Burchills. That’s like Candice Swanepoel saying I’m pretty. Well, thank you for joining me. Here’s to a great future! Thanks Jon.

He is as down-to-earth and charming as he is handsome. If you’d like to know more about Jon or follow his daily shenanigans, you can find him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube or visit his website.

– by The Black Widow

Review: Divergent

Posted in Entertainment, Movies by

Firstly, I’d like to make a quick shout out to my brother William who turned 23 on Friday! As tradition suggests, we had to do whatever he wanted, and that included watching the movie adaptation of Divergent, featuring my not so favourite actress, Shailene Woodley. I’m sorry but her character on Secret Life was irritating. #justsaying

Divergent was originally a novel written by Veronica Roth. (SOURCE: Naud/'s Flickr photostream)

Divergent was originally a novel written by Veronica Roth. (SOURCE: Naud/’s Flickr photostream)

Divergent tells the story of a post-war America that has a very specific but detailed way of living: inside their gated, unharmed-by-war community, the people live in five different factions: Abnegation, for those who are selfless; Erudite, for the brainy; Amity, for the peaceful hippies; Candor, for the sometimes-brutally honest; and Dauntless, for the brave and reckless. If you are not fortunate enough to fit in a faction, you are deemed “factionless”, which basically means you are dirty and homeless.

The film follows a young lady named Beatrice (later named “Tris”, as if that was a good idea), who was born in and lives with her family in Abnegation. Once people hit a certain age or stage of life, they are tested to see which faction they most fit, although they are given the choice to choose their own faction regardless of the test. Beatrice goes to get her test… uh oh. She fits all of them. She is a “Divergent”, which is basically a free-spirited rebel. Just to put things into perspective, being a Divergent is like being wrapped in raw meat and thrown into the Pacific Ocean.

My first observation of this movie was that it was very hard to follow. As soon as you are thrust into the movie, there are lots of facts and information thrown on you and it is your job as an observer to keep up. If you can’t keep up, tough titties! The movie goes on with or without your understanding. That, to me, was a very defining factor in my eventual disliking of the film.

The story of the film is very unique, and that’s a positive and a negative in its own right. It was an interesting way to tell a post-war America besides the usual “everyone is under arrest and some youthful rebel escapes and kills everyone”. In saying that, it was difficult for those unaware of the original story to follow. I thought the test was like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter and you had no say in which faction you join, until Beatrice’s parents were crying and she was being dragged away.

The acting, for all intents and purposes, was okay, possibly saved only by my fair lady Kate Winslet (subtle shout out to Miss Benedicte Earl). As much as I don’t like her, Shailene Woodley is a decent actress. She is easy to believe as her character and she doesn’t have Kirsten Dunst face (a face that has no emotion whatsoever). Theo James, who was an unknown to me until this movie, looked as if he was trying too hard in my sweet and humble opinion. He’d be trying to act really hard and tough and scary but then would duckface his lips. It was quite funny to watch. Oh, and Jai Courtney was Eric was phenom. Mr. Courtney has found himself a new fan.

I get that the producers had a lot of content to fit in the film so not to disappoint the book fans, but man Divergent is one long ass movie. If my phone wasn’t dead in the cinema, I would have been constantly checking the time. As a plus, however, there was some humour thrown into the film that I found quite refreshing from all the serious faction stuff.

Solst-o-meter
Storyline: 6/10
Casting and acting: 6/10
Experience: 5/10
Overall: 6/10

I think if I had read the novel before watching the movie, I would have enjoyed it more, but the intensity of the film was too much for me to personally take in. The intent was there to deliver an excellent movie, but to me, it flopped pretty badly. I would recommend watching it, but maybe later when it’s out on TV or something.

– by The Black Widow

Dating Nikki: Popping the question

Posted in Dating Nikki by

Are you sure you’re ready to go that that stage of the relationship?

So you’ve been with your significant other for quite some time (time variable depending on the relationship) and you love them. That’s good! But now, you love them so much that you want to take your relationship further… as in “Let’s grow old together and have babies” further.

Eep.

Hang in there, mate. It gets easier. (SOURCE: Shawn Paradis' Flickr photostream)

Hang in there, mate. It gets easier. (SOURCE: Shawn Paradis’ Flickr photostream)

Popping the all-important question is a daunting task for anyone to endure, male or female. It’s not as if asking someone (or trapping them) to spend the rest of their lives with you is a walk in the park.  The proposal is not only just from the male nowadays, which is something I rather enjoy. More women are getting down on their knee to propose to their loved ones, so girls, this one applies to you as well.

Before I get on my usual high horse where I’m dishing out advice left right and centre, it’s important that I note that I’ve never proposed to anyone nor have I ever been proposed to (tear) so I am not speaking from personal experience here, but more from what I think you should do, from other people’s positive experiences to what I would like in a future proposal.

Be confident, b-e confident
Nothing would be unsexier or more uncomfortable than watching someone scratch themselves, sweat up a storm and stutter because they are that nervous. Walk into that intimate setting with your head held high and own it. Own what you’re about to do. Drop down to that knee, never taking your eye off that other person, and pop the question. Of course, don’t go overboard that you end up sounding like “Oi babe, marry me hey”, because that is a douchey thing to do. Deliver your message firmly. The other person will be so blown away that they will happily accept your proposal, regardless of your cooking ability.

Have a game plan
If you plan on going into this proposal and “winging it”, you will be sad to hear that you will fail miserably. Winging something as important as the life-changing proposal is a silly mistake, so if you’ve got the ring and you haven’t got the yes yet, come up with a plan. Where will you be? How are you going to do it? What is going to make your proposal better than any ol’ proposal? How are you going to deliver the proposal? These questions and more should be answered and plotted in your proposal to make sure that it’s effortless and… FLAWLESS!

Know his/her ring size!
She’s said yes. You’re elated. You go to slip that ring on her finger… oops, her finger’s too fat. Your moment is ruined. This is a problem that most men (sorry to be gender specific) have an issue with. You can’t outright ask them what their ring size is because then they’ll know what you’re up to. Your best bet? Steal one of his/her rings and take it to a jeweller and ask what size that is. Alternatively, you could ask his/her friend for a little help. It’s common knowledge that best friends share everything, but with something as huge as a proposal? You’ll have nothing to worry about.

Be prepared for the worst
I know this is kind of a morbid thing to say, but say things don’t exactly go your way when you’ve proposed… you will need a back up plan. In case this happens, it’ll make the situation all the more awkward if you’re still on your knee staring at them with the blankest expression on your face. Get up. Shrug it off. Tell them that you still love them regardless. Quietly die inside. Quietly.

To anyone who is thinking of popping the question any time soon, good luck! We here at Solstice Satisfaction wish you and your partner well in your future!

– by The Black Widow