5 Songs You Don’t Want Dedicated to You on the Radio

Posted in Entertainment, Music by

I was sitting in my bed and I recounted a time when a certain angry someone decided it would be a jolly idea to fling me a text saying “Dedicated this song to you on the radio”. At the time, I was in the mindset that we had become friends, so being full of hope and also as naive as a porcelain doll, I looked up the song. Ricochet by Shiny Toy Guns. From my understanding, it’s about a slut that bounces from man to man and messes with their minds as she does so.

Yeah... that happened.

Yeah… that happened. (SOURCE: Shiny Toy Guns – Ricochet! – Lyrics video)

At the time, I found it extremely offensive and borderline criminal; now, I laugh about it and think it’s funny that someone went to so much effort to try and make me feel bad. And, to cheer myself up, I thought about a few other songs that would’ve been worse dedications to me on national radio, such as:

Eamon – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)
Possibly the most degrading song ever made in the history of music, if the title doesn’t tell you just how insulting this song is, let me spell it out for you: you’re a slut and he don’t want you back. F what he said, f your presents, f your kisses and f you’re a ho. Although, if you do have this song dedicated to you and there’s a reason behind it, you probably deserve these scathing comments. Cheaters never prosper. Remember that.

Daphne and Celeste – U.G.L.Y
Again, if this title doesn’t spell it out for you (which it should), I’ll expand on it for you: you are that ugly that there is no possible alibi or reason for you to be that ugly. With lyrical curiosities including “You walked up to me with your buck teeth a-gleaming” and “You hurt the trees feelings and the birds all flew”, you’ve got to be one bad looker to warrant having this song dedicated to you. Don’t worry though; they probably don’t mean it. Oh wait a minute. They do.

Jojo – Leave (Get Out)
I can’t imagine what you must have done to get this song dedicated to you. Oh wait. Yes I do. You cheated on your girlfriend (or boyfriend) with her/his best friend. Who does that? So, if you ever hear “Now this next song is dedicated to (insert your name here)” on the radio and this song follows, if the repetition of “Get out! Leave! Right now!” doesn’t drill the message into your head, it’s simple: pack up your things because you have just been dumped on national radio.

Stacie Orrico – I’m Not Missing You
Continuing on with the “cheating arsehole” theme, this song puts a twist on the vengeful other: they don’t miss you in the slightest. In fact, your act of infidelity has made them a stronger person and they don’t care about you anymore. Ouch. I bet that stings. I don’t know what’s the bigger zing – the fact that they are publicly outing you as a cheating arsehole, or the fact that they don’t even care about what you did.

Cobra Starship – Hot Mess
Now to end this article on a slightly better note, this song can be taken two ways: someone is falling for you and thinks you’re the bees knees, or someone is unintentionally pointing out your feral-ness. It’s how the term “hot mess” works – it’s either a huge compliment or a huge insult. With lyrics including “You think you’re hot shit, oooh, I love it” and “Stumblin’, but yeah, you still lookin’ hella fine”, there are some parts of the song you’ll have to avoid if you choose to take this as a compliment because, let’s face it, no one loves “that” drunk girl/guy.

Now that I think about it, compared to these songs, being called a slag that bounces from person to person and messes with their mind is a huge compliment; in fact, they are pretty much calling me a black widow – and boy, do I love black widows. Thanks for that song dedication, mate.

– by The Black Widow

The Nose Knows

Posted in Lifestyle by

As I sat on the train and watched a guy try to surreptitiously sniff his own armpits, I realised something: men like to smell things.  It’s their major sensory triumph.

You can't go wrong with smelling though!

You can’t go wrong with smelling though!

Take books for example. A woman looks at the cover of an old book, sees the mottled colours, feels the soft leather, the scars in the spine and appreciates the beauty of the words spilling across it’s yellowed pages.
A man picks up the old book and inhales. After a moment, there’s the shorter, secondary sniff. Then the moment of processing, where he considers the smell. Then there’s the perfunctory nod. Book smells good= book is good.

Clothes on the floor. Woman considers how many times the article of clothing has been worn and/or seen in public, looks for stains and markings, considers any wrinkles and then determines whether to wash it or hang it up again.
Man picks up socks and smells them. Socks smell fine = socks are fine.

I agree with the people who say that men have two brains; one in their skulls and one elsewhere. What I don’t agree with is that the second brain is in their pants. The only time the second brain is in a man’s trousers is if he’s sniffing them. The second brain is obviously in the nose. It’s also bigger and far more important than the brain in his head.

Head-Brain is more of a risk-taker than Nose-Brain. Head-Brain sees a sees a sign that says “Wet Paint” and forces the man to touch it. It hears a warning that says “hot surface” and of course, leads the man to touch it and man gets burnt.
Nose-Brain is much better at self-preservation. Nose-Brain is so skilled at shielding the man from potentially lethal odours like dirty nappies and rotten eggs that he rarely smells it. While the women in the room are all gagging at the smell of a fart, Nose-Brain barely registers it, and man is secretly pleased with himself for his efforts.

A man’s emotion is also linked to his sense of smell;
Man smells food, man feels happy.
Man smells wife’s perfume, man feels love.
Man smells his own fart, man feels proud.
Man smells coffee, man feels true love.
Man smells beer, man feels manly.
And so on…

Kind of explains why Voldy was an a-hole...

Kind of explains why Voldy was an a-hole…

So therein lies the major difference between men and women. Men don’t get caught up in the sight of babies, the feeling of soft kitten fur or the sound of a really romantic song. They don’t overthink first dates, fashion trends and they get stressed about religion or politics at the dinner table. They just follow their noses and everything is alright.

In short, man has nose = life is good.

– by Blaire Gillies

Dating Nikki: Valentine’s Day

Posted in Dating Nikki by

It’s the time of the year when single people all of a sudden hate everyone and those in a relationship are noticeably more catty towards those who are single. It’s Valentine’s Day – or as catty people in a relationship would call it, Single Awareness Day.

Do this and you are guaranteed success.

Do this and you are guaranteed success.

If you’re stuck on what to get your significant other or don’t know what to do with them on Friday night (besides a good round of woohoo), who ya gonna call? Note: not Ghostbusters. Me!

I will attempt to separate my advice in different stages of relationship, from the “we only started dating like five minutes ago” stage to the “we’ve pretty much been married for the past 20 years” stage. Let’s face it: if you’ve been in a relationship for over five years and your partner buys you a box of chocolates from Aldi, you’re gonna be pissed.

For those who have just started dating…
This would be your first Valentine’s Day as a couple so the main benefit from that is you don’t face the risk of repeating your gifts and event from a previous V Day like the longer couples do. Any idea you have will be safe, unless it’s way over the top. While I’m sure a woman would love to receive all the jewellery from Tiffany’s in the world, and a man would appreciate a new Harley Davidson sportster, it may be a little too much for your first V Day together. My suggestions?
Gift ideas (for him): Surprise him. Buy him a ride around Sydney on a Harley motorcycle (click here). If he’s a bit less rough around the edges, give him a box of chocolates (click here) and a good-read.
Gift ideas (for her): If you want a safe idea, stick with a nice bouquet of roses (click here) and a box of chocolates. Every girl loves chocolate more than she admits, I promise you. Have it delivered to her when she least expects it and she will swooooooon.

For those who have been together for over a year and are relatively comfortable with each other…
You guys have the trouble of coming up with something different from last year’s successful V Day together. You have the challenge of beating last year and making this year’s V Day all the more memorable. The positive for you is that you are aware of your partner’s interests and their lifestyle so finding a gift specifically tailored for them would be simple. If it isn’t that simple, however, here are my suggestions:
Gift ideas (for him): 21st century men love watches. Gift him with a nice fancy-looking watch and, if you have money left over on your budget, a big matching man ring.
Gift ideas (for her): I would say this is the period where buying your girlfriend lingerie is safe. Ask her friends discreetly for her size and then buy her something sexy to wear that night… only to be taken off straight away.

For those who are well into their relationship insomuch that you are probably going to get engaged soon…
This is for the couples who have been together for so long that everyone is just expecting you to get hitched soon. You’re right for each other and everybody knows it. You are also very comfortable with each other and should know your partner inside-out. You guys have the hurdle of switching it up from previous V Days together and that may hinder your idea brainstorming. If you are stuck for a specific idea, here are my suggestions:
Gift ideas (for him): This will require a bit of pre-planning. Buy your man tickets to an event he will really enjoy, whether it be a musical concert or a monster truck show. Top it off with a case of beer and a home cooked meal and he will be putty in your hands.
Gift ideas (for her): It’s time to bring out the big bucks and visit your nearest Tiffany’s, or any other quality jewellery store. You will know what your lady likes, so pick out something that says “I love you so much that I spent all this money on you.” Click here to browse through Tiffany’s collection.

For those who are married or in a long-term domestic relationship…
You are the couple that has made it. You have been through nearly every Valentine’s Day together and they have always been fantastic. You’re so comfortable with each other that you sometimes need to remember that you are not them. While you would have the added pressure of not repeating previous V Days, you pretty much don’t have high expectations anymore because you’ve nearly done it all. I would suggest a weekend away with each other to somewhere you have never been before. It doesn’t matter if it’s overseas or in the same city. Do something spontaneous! If you want an idea for an extra gift, here are my suggestions:
Gift ideas (for him): It’s well documented that boys love their toys. Depending on budget, I would suggest buying your man the latest iPad or a Kindle reader so he can read all of his manly action books in peace.
Gift ideas (for her): While I am not a wine connoisseur myself, most women can appreciate a good bottle of wine. Visit your local bottle-o and buy something expensive and old to let your woman know just how much she means to you. Top it off with a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates, and she will realise how lucky she is to have you.

Now go off on your merry way; enjoy smelling the flowers and eating the chocolates; enjoy drinking on your wine and spending time with each other, and, most importantly, enjoy your woohoo.

– by The Black Widow

I am not Plastic Fob-tastic

Posted in Opinion by

If I had to choose one term that I hate with a fiery passion to abolish, it would be “plastic fob”. Never heard of it? Let me explain.

100% genuine. 0% plastic.

100% genuine. 0% plastic.

To those of you who don’t know me, my cultural background is Maori, Samoan and a dash of Irish in there somewhere. I was born in Australia so I identify myself as being Australian but will never hide my cultural background. I am proud of my pacific roots and embrace my culture – maybe not to its full extent, but I still love and acknowledge where my ancestors have come from.

As I have had a “traditional” Australian upbringing in the beautiful country town of Bathurst, I’m not as cultured as someone who was born and raised in the islands; I don’t know all of the cultural norms and I don’t speak neither fluent Maori or Samoan (not for lack of trying, I have pestered my parents to teach me on numerous occasions). In fact, I speak better Portuguese than I do either of those languages.

Does that make me any less Samoan or Maori than another child of the pacific? No, it doesn’t. As people who are normally stereotyped as easy-going and friendly, why are some Polynesians so bitter towards each other?

This is where “plastic fob” comes in. A plastic fob is, basically, someone who has a cultural background from the Pacific Islands yet doesn’t act or behave like a “normal” Polynesian would. That is what pisses me off. I get this term branded on me by so many of my own people who don’t even take the time to actually get to know me. My best friend, who had a similar upbringing as me and who is half Samoan and half Italian, has the same issue as me; we went through a lot of the exclusions just because we were “plastic”. I know some of my siblings have to deal with this kind of, dare I say, bullshit, as well.

Let me put this on the record: I am not plastic. I am not pretending to be anyone but me. I am who I am. Just because I am not musically gifted in singing or playing acoustic guitar does not make me any less Polynesian than it does the guys from Nesian Mystik. Just because I am not working in some form of security does not make me any less Polynesian than my big brave cousin who does. I haven’t been to neither of the homelands (New Zealand or Samoa just FYI), but you try and put me on a plane and you will see how difficult of a task that is (see attached).

I get judged a lot just because I am a lot different to the “stereotypical” Polynesian man and have been called a “plastic fob” many times in my life and sometimes worse. It’s ridiculous.

Please, my fellow Polynesians, whether you be Samoan, Tongan, Fijian, Niuean or Maori, we need to learn to stick together and not judge one another just because we’ve had a different childhood. One of the things I most enjoy about our culture is how I can bump into someone whom I’ve never met before and still say hello or give a polite nod just because we have that same cultural similarity. We are some of the most beautiful people on the planet so let’s not change that and let’s please abolish the term “plastic fob.” It tells a better story about the insulter than the insultee.

My name is Nikki. I am Maori. I am Samoan. I am Irish. I am a journalist. I am a rugby league enthusiast. I am video gamer. I am a horror movie lover. I am a country head. I am a pole dancing student. I am my own person. I am not plastic.

– by The Black Widow