Merry Brag-mas

Call me a bitch, but I hate those letters people send with their Christmas cards. You know the ones- the thinly veiled bragging about their overly pretentious children and photos of their dogs dressed as elves.

The way I see it, if we’re truly close friends/family, I already know all the exciting things happening in your world. I’ve followed your entire life story on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. I don’t actually want a hard-copy letter exceeding 140 characters because there’s almost no chance I care enough to read the whole thing.

Christmas Card Book Our Letter

As I read through a few stashed in Xmas cards sent to my parents, I picked up on the basic formula fairly quickly. So, for those of you who have yet to send out your annual family newsletter, here’s a template for you to work with. Just fill in the blanks and you’re all set.

Dear Friend,

Can you believe how quickly this year has gone!? I sure can’t. Eldest Son has recently graduated from Melbourne University and with Honours in Biomedical Science! We’re so proud. He single- handedly cured cancer, saved small children from a burning building and scored a modelling contract with David Jones. Middle Child has met a new guy who fits in so well with the family. They’ve recently travelled overseas and are already busy planning their next adventure. Middle Child and Her Man are now proud parents!!!! Attached is a photo of their puppy, Fido. He’s our special boy!

"It was either this or coal for Christmas..."

“It was either this or coal for Christmas…”

Youngest Son has just finished year 11 and is anxiously awaiting the new year to begin studying. He has also been made school captain, house captain, bus captain, footy captain, Prime Minister and Batman. Such an amazing role model! Hubby is still slaving away at the bank every day, but he loves his job so no sign of retiring yet. We’re still playing couples tennis with the Smiths on the weekend, although I’ll need to buy a bigger skirt soon (ha ha). As for me, I’m still doing the same old thing- living off the fortune Hubby makes every day, but complaining about my stressful life. Being tall, blonde and in my mid-fifties is such a drag. Mrs What’s-Her-Name from next door has planted a new shrub in her yard, but the shade of green clashed with Eldest Son’s Jag, so I called the Homeowner’s Association to deal with it. Of course she found out about this from Mr Over-The-Road’s wife, the nosy little B. Some people can’t keep their noses out of it. Well, that’s all from us here in Brighton. Hoping you are well and wishing you all the best for 2014. Regards, Your Name.

Then you get those people who move beyond bragging and into the realms of blatant over-sharing. The extra- long paragraphs about all the injuries and illnesses they’ve suffered in the past twelve months and various statistics they found on the internet about their increasing morality rate.

Jerry went to the doctor in June for his regular colonoscopy. He turned to the doctor and said “Doc, you could at least buy me a drink first” (That one always cracks up Dr Hiney). Things are looking good, but he’s up for a prostate check next. Keep your fingers crossed for good news!

Vomit.

I much prefer the super-generic;

To X

Pre-Printed Christmas Greeting

From Y.

Signed, sealed and sent in under five minutes. If I really love you, I’ll call you on Christmas. Or add you to a mass-text MMS of a funny Christmas picture. It’s way more heartfelt.

Funny_Christmas_Comics

Contacts> Select All> MERRY CHRISTMAS! > Send

– by Blaire Gillies

The First Day of Christmas

The twelve days of Christmas are finally here! Those twelve wonderful days where we get strange (and probably illegal in today’s society) presents like rare birds and small groups of humans doing weird things- Nine Lords A’Leaping, just what every girl needs!

However, for those of you who don’t find yourselves in the market for four Colly Birds or a dozen drummers, I’ve got twelve days of Christmas-inspired blog posts for you instead.

So, without further ado, on the first day of Christmas I give to you…The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Drinking Game.

This guy is obviously coming to my place for Christmas...

This guy is obviously coming to my place for Christmas…

Take ONE drink:
-Every time your Gran tells you/a family member to get a haircut
-You have to ask your drunken Aunt to stop shouting at the table
-Your grandpa expresses concerns about the value of your arts degree
-You catch your Nana folding up wrapping paper to ‘use again next year’
-You hear the phrase “back in my day” or “Some kids don’t even get presents…”
-Every time someone starts singing a Christmas carol (double drinks if they get the words wrong triple if other people join in)
-Someone calls you Scrooge for not wanting to be awake at 5am on Christmas day

Take TWO drinks:
–  Every time someone mentions how different you look from last year
–  Someone says “This isn’t Christmas weather!”
–  A general motion to break out the family videos and/or the childhood photos of you in your awkward Wizard phase.
– Every time a Grandparent says something politically incorrect
– Every time someone cries and/or a door is slammed

CHUG:
– Every time someone asks if/why you’re still single
– Your mother and her mother ask you to take sides in an argument
– Your uncle accidentally flirts with you
– Just before the family photo is taken. At least that way you’ll be smiling and you’ll forget it     ever happened.

So my friends, eat, drink and be Merry for we only spend quality time like this with our families once a year. Bless them.

– by Blaire Gillies

Dating Nikki: Double dating (and why it’s useful!)

Double dating is useful when you want to get to know that special someone a little better without having that added pressure of being alone and intimate with them. If you aren’t talented at small talk, then I would suggest a double date as a first or second date to help you break the ice.

Serial double dating at its finest.

Serial double dating at its finest.

This fascinating concept is flexible and can be a great endeavour in the early stages of a relationship and even for the happily married. The double date is It’s a fun experience where you get to socialise and see how other couples date and, of course, spend that quality time with your special lady or gentleman. Speaking solely for those of you who are part of the former and are just establishing some form of connection with a significant other, this advice is for you.

The benefits of double dating
[+] The pressure of keeping a steady conversation flow is taken away from you with the presence of others. You may now relax.
[+] With you being relaxed, your date will also be relaxed, especially if they have a friend with them. This is beneficial because then you get to see them in their true, natural skin, not their “I have to act like I’m in a job interview to seem impressive” mode.
[+] Bored of hearing about how her hairdresser cut her hair wrong or how he scored the most amazing try on the weekend? You’ve got one of your gal pals or bros with you. Get reinvigorated with your mate there with you.
[+] I’m just going to put this one out there. You won’t feel tempted to have a quickie if you have another two sets of prying eyes there with you. If you’re there for the right reasons, then this is a benefit. Trust me.
[+] You have a wider variety of activities to do. You know how there are certain things you need a group to do? Ta da!
[+] More fun will be evident during a double date. Bowling with two people is fun, yeah, but with four? Outstanding.
[+] It’s a fantastic social experiment, therefore, do it.

Ideas for double dates
[x] A good ol’ fashion video game arcade is a great idea for a double date. You can compete in games in a free-for-all, couple vs. couple or girls vs. boys (or boys vs. boys, girls vs. girls in the same sex situation). Who doesn’t like a little competition?
[x] Go-karting. If you haven’t played Mario Kart, then you wouldn’t understand where I’m going with this one.
[x] Lazer tag. Same deal – free-for-all, couple vs. couple, etc. You also burn off mega calories in this thigh-burning exercise as well.
[x] Go for a hike or relaxing nature walk. Don’t do this at night, otherwise the Big Bad Wolf will eat you. (DISCLAIMER: not really)
[x] Board games and/or video games. BYO competitive spirit.
[x] Karaoke, because let’s be frank, karaoke is amazing.

Double dating is not an excuse to completely avoid alone time with your date, so find a free moment during the day or night to spend some quality time with your date, even if it’s the drive home to his or her house together. You’ll realise that you’re more comfortable being with each other just because of the success of the double date.

When you’re buying your first house together, you have me to thank.

You’re welcome.

– by The Black Widow

Genuinely Good Children’s Television (Non-Cartoon Category)

It’s harsh truth time: we all have to admit to ourselves that not every show we watched as children were masterpieces; in fact, under the age of about eight we would watch any piece of fluoro-coloured crap that danced around on a screen in front of us. I was faced with this brutal reality after re-watching the first Power Rangers film, something I remember watching a bajillion times with my cousins and loving it. No surprise, it was a poo-poo platter of badness, and it made me feel sad for my tiny toddler brain.

Some shows and films should be left alone to stay a foggy but delightful memory of our childhoods, but I believe that a handful of shows we did watch aren’t just good for nostalgias sake, but good for their overall brilliance as television shows.

So here’s a short list of shows you should definitely not regret watching, and which I would recommend watching even now…

Round the Twist (1989-2001)
actf_rtt2_hero

This show was some sort of beautiful gift, from our childhood lord and saviour Paul Jennings, a genius with kid’s stories. His writing translated well onto the screen, producing tales of suspense, mystery, and utter craziness without scaring its young audience. But what I loved most was the true blue Aussie-ness of it all, from the accents and lingo down to the rugged beachside landscapes – something that stuck out in front of the other American programming during that time. And I’m gonna go ahead and give it extra points for a hella-catchy theme song.

Art Attack (1990-2007)
art_attack

Art Attack was a seamless integration of entertainment, education and creativity. There were so many things to love about it: Neil’s art space filled with over-sized paintbrushes, the funny ‘Head’ character with his silly accent, and of course the art itself was incredibly absorbing. The big birds-eye pictures Neil made out of different objects baffles me even now, and coupled with the really rad 90’s music it made it even more exciting. With this show both adults and children were entertained – and not solely for the allocated twenty minutes. I can’t even imagine the kind of devil child who wouldn’t want to ‘try it at home’ after watching this show, so the amusement dragged on way beyond the show itself. But apart from all that, Neil was a great host, and definitely deserves a round of applause – Because he wasn’t just a man who loved PVA glue, but one who loved to teach.

Tidbit: Neil went on to perform lead guitar in a British heavy metal band called Marseille.

Goosebumps (1995-1998)
goosebumps-1

I feel like this show doesn’t even need a write-up. It was scary, very scary, so scary I still have nightmares marked with big, green, gooey G’s. What Goosebumps did was get their already horrifying stories, make them come to life on a screen and provide it to children who otherwise would not be allowed to watch horror films – which I think is a great thing. Everybody likes a good scare, especially children, and I for one don’t think they get scared enough. Shows like this serve as an avenue for a love of the horror genre and a transition into reading – But most of all it had living dummies and phantoms and monster blood that were poop-your-pants frightening, but at the same time harmless fun. It does warn you beforehand: “Viewer, beware, you’re in for a scare!”

Tidbit: Ryan Gosling starred in the episode Say Cheese and Die.

The Muppet Show (1976-1981)
660px-OK_Go_and_the_Muppets_-_Muppet_Show_Theme_Song

There’s just something about frantically shaking a frog puppet thats hilarious, and muppets had that down-pact. I always thought of this show as a children’s style SNL, or maybe a muppets style SNL? I’m actually still pretty confused about this show, because I could never tell if it was made primarily for adults or children, but either way I enjoyed watching it. When I talk to other people my age about it they show a certain disinterest, which I totally understand. It wouldn’t be the first pick on a rainy sunday afternoon, but solely based on its simple slapstick humour, cute and creepily-made hand puppets, and pun humour, I think Jim Henson did a damn fine job.

The Amanda Show (1999-2002)
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This was never one of my favourites, but when it was on and nothing else was I watched it anyway. But watching a few episodes now I’ve realised that ten year old me was an idiot – It is so fucking funny. Sure there are some regular segments that fall flat, but most of it was outrageously hilarious, and it poked fun at adults and teenagers alike. I think people tend to forget pre-drugs Amanda Bynes, which is a damn shame, because she had the acting abilities, facial expressions and accents of a great comedy actor.

 – by Josefina Huq