Category Archives: Lifestyle

Merry Brag-mas

Posted in Lifestyle by

Call me a bitch, but I hate those letters people send with their Christmas cards. You know the ones- the thinly veiled bragging about their overly pretentious children and photos of their dogs dressed as elves.

The way I see it, if we’re truly close friends/family, I already know all the exciting things happening in your world. I’ve followed your entire life story on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. I don’t actually want a hard-copy letter exceeding 140 characters because there’s almost no chance I care enough to read the whole thing.

Christmas Card Book Our Letter

As I read through a few stashed in Xmas cards sent to my parents, I picked up on the basic formula fairly quickly. So, for those of you who have yet to send out your annual family newsletter, here’s a template for you to work with. Just fill in the blanks and you’re all set.

Dear Friend,

Can you believe how quickly this year has gone!? I sure can’t. Eldest Son has recently graduated from Melbourne University and with Honours in Biomedical Science! We’re so proud. He single- handedly cured cancer, saved small children from a burning building and scored a modelling contract with David Jones. Middle Child has met a new guy who fits in so well with the family. They’ve recently travelled overseas and are already busy planning their next adventure. Middle Child and Her Man are now proud parents!!!! Attached is a photo of their puppy, Fido. He’s our special boy!

"It was either this or coal for Christmas..."

“It was either this or coal for Christmas…”

Youngest Son has just finished year 11 and is anxiously awaiting the new year to begin studying. He has also been made school captain, house captain, bus captain, footy captain, Prime Minister and Batman. Such an amazing role model! Hubby is still slaving away at the bank every day, but he loves his job so no sign of retiring yet. We’re still playing couples tennis with the Smiths on the weekend, although I’ll need to buy a bigger skirt soon (ha ha). As for me, I’m still doing the same old thing- living off the fortune Hubby makes every day, but complaining about my stressful life. Being tall, blonde and in my mid-fifties is such a drag. Mrs What’s-Her-Name from next door has planted a new shrub in her yard, but the shade of green clashed with Eldest Son’s Jag, so I called the Homeowner’s Association to deal with it. Of course she found out about this from Mr Over-The-Road’s wife, the nosy little B. Some people can’t keep their noses out of it. Well, that’s all from us here in Brighton. Hoping you are well and wishing you all the best for 2014. Regards, Your Name.

Then you get those people who move beyond bragging and into the realms of blatant over-sharing. The extra- long paragraphs about all the injuries and illnesses they’ve suffered in the past twelve months and various statistics they found on the internet about their increasing morality rate.

Jerry went to the doctor in June for his regular colonoscopy. He turned to the doctor and said “Doc, you could at least buy me a drink first” (That one always cracks up Dr Hiney). Things are looking good, but he’s up for a prostate check next. Keep your fingers crossed for good news!

Vomit.

I much prefer the super-generic;

To X

Pre-Printed Christmas Greeting

From Y.

Signed, sealed and sent in under five minutes. If I really love you, I’ll call you on Christmas. Or add you to a mass-text MMS of a funny Christmas picture. It’s way more heartfelt.

Funny_Christmas_Comics

Contacts> Select All> MERRY CHRISTMAS! > Send

– by Blaire Gillies

The First Day of Christmas

Posted in Lifestyle by

The twelve days of Christmas are finally here! Those twelve wonderful days where we get strange (and probably illegal in today’s society) presents like rare birds and small groups of humans doing weird things- Nine Lords A’Leaping, just what every girl needs!

However, for those of you who don’t find yourselves in the market for four Colly Birds or a dozen drummers, I’ve got twelve days of Christmas-inspired blog posts for you instead.

So, without further ado, on the first day of Christmas I give to you…The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Drinking Game.

This guy is obviously coming to my place for Christmas...

This guy is obviously coming to my place for Christmas…

Take ONE drink:
-Every time your Gran tells you/a family member to get a haircut
-You have to ask your drunken Aunt to stop shouting at the table
-Your grandpa expresses concerns about the value of your arts degree
-You catch your Nana folding up wrapping paper to ‘use again next year’
-You hear the phrase “back in my day” or “Some kids don’t even get presents…”
-Every time someone starts singing a Christmas carol (double drinks if they get the words wrong triple if other people join in)
-Someone calls you Scrooge for not wanting to be awake at 5am on Christmas day

Take TWO drinks:
–  Every time someone mentions how different you look from last year
–  Someone says “This isn’t Christmas weather!”
–  A general motion to break out the family videos and/or the childhood photos of you in your awkward Wizard phase.
– Every time a Grandparent says something politically incorrect
– Every time someone cries and/or a door is slammed

CHUG:
– Every time someone asks if/why you’re still single
– Your mother and her mother ask you to take sides in an argument
– Your uncle accidentally flirts with you
– Just before the family photo is taken. At least that way you’ll be smiling and you’ll forget it     ever happened.

So my friends, eat, drink and be Merry for we only spend quality time like this with our families once a year. Bless them.

– by Blaire Gillies

Dating Nikki: Double dating (and why it’s useful!)

Posted in Dating Nikki by

Double dating is useful when you want to get to know that special someone a little better without having that added pressure of being alone and intimate with them. If you aren’t talented at small talk, then I would suggest a double date as a first or second date to help you break the ice.

Serial double dating at its finest.

Serial double dating at its finest.

This fascinating concept is flexible and can be a great endeavour in the early stages of a relationship and even for the happily married. The double date is It’s a fun experience where you get to socialise and see how other couples date and, of course, spend that quality time with your special lady or gentleman. Speaking solely for those of you who are part of the former and are just establishing some form of connection with a significant other, this advice is for you.

The benefits of double dating
[+] The pressure of keeping a steady conversation flow is taken away from you with the presence of others. You may now relax.
[+] With you being relaxed, your date will also be relaxed, especially if they have a friend with them. This is beneficial because then you get to see them in their true, natural skin, not their “I have to act like I’m in a job interview to seem impressive” mode.
[+] Bored of hearing about how her hairdresser cut her hair wrong or how he scored the most amazing try on the weekend? You’ve got one of your gal pals or bros with you. Get reinvigorated with your mate there with you.
[+] I’m just going to put this one out there. You won’t feel tempted to have a quickie if you have another two sets of prying eyes there with you. If you’re there for the right reasons, then this is a benefit. Trust me.
[+] You have a wider variety of activities to do. You know how there are certain things you need a group to do? Ta da!
[+] More fun will be evident during a double date. Bowling with two people is fun, yeah, but with four? Outstanding.
[+] It’s a fantastic social experiment, therefore, do it.

Ideas for double dates
[x] A good ol’ fashion video game arcade is a great idea for a double date. You can compete in games in a free-for-all, couple vs. couple or girls vs. boys (or boys vs. boys, girls vs. girls in the same sex situation). Who doesn’t like a little competition?
[x] Go-karting. If you haven’t played Mario Kart, then you wouldn’t understand where I’m going with this one.
[x] Lazer tag. Same deal – free-for-all, couple vs. couple, etc. You also burn off mega calories in this thigh-burning exercise as well.
[x] Go for a hike or relaxing nature walk. Don’t do this at night, otherwise the Big Bad Wolf will eat you. (DISCLAIMER: not really)
[x] Board games and/or video games. BYO competitive spirit.
[x] Karaoke, because let’s be frank, karaoke is amazing.

Double dating is not an excuse to completely avoid alone time with your date, so find a free moment during the day or night to spend some quality time with your date, even if it’s the drive home to his or her house together. You’ll realise that you’re more comfortable being with each other just because of the success of the double date.

When you’re buying your first house together, you have me to thank.

You’re welcome.

– by The Black Widow

Friendships Defined by Facebook Birthday Messages

Posted in Lifestyle by

When you see someone you know at the shops or something, you either think “Oh crap, turn around before they see you” or “Hey it’s Joe, I should go say hello to him.” When you’ve approached Joe, however, you’re stuck as to whether or not you should shake his hand, hug him, give him a good ol’ arse pat or kiss him on the cheek.

I should name this... "Noah's Friendship Theory".

I should name this… “Nikki’s Friendship Theory”.

Exactly when does someone become so close that they graduate from wave to handshake and handshake to hug? Well, I thought about this and I’ve figured it out – the level of love you have for a friend of yours can easily be found by the intensity of a birthday message you write to them on Facebook.

Here’s my theory (and for the examples, I’ll be using “Samantha”):

Wave and/or Smile
These are for people you kind of know but aren’t too close with. These are the ones you’d either “forget” to write to on their birthday, or you’d write something along the lines of:

Happy birthday Samantha.
Happy birthday!
Have a good one!

You don’t love them enough to put in a smiley face or a love heart or some level of enthusiasm to this message, therefore they would be categorised into “Wave and/or Smile”.

Handshake/Fistbump/Hi-five
These are the people who are your friends but you wouldn’t go out of your way to hang with them one on one in case of awkward silences and small talk. You would make an effort to write to these people on their birthday, however a high level of enthusiasm will not be present.

Happy birthday Sammi! Have a solid one!
Happy bday Samantha ❤
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🙂

They have enough brownie points with you to garner a kind love heart or smiley face or even capital letters, but that’s it. Don’t be bothered going out of your way to write them a birthday paragraph on how much they mean to you.

Manhug or Awkward Hug-Pat
The awkward hug-pat, when you hug someone but you aren’t that comfortable so you pat them on the back awkwardly to “show some level of affection”, is a step up from a handshake. This one’s interchangeable, I guess; I have known one of my best friends (Rachel) for six years and we’ve been through a lot together and she still hug-pats me, much to my disappointment. These are your good friends that you haven’t established that strong, solid connection with yet. An example of their birthday message would be:

Happy birthday Samantha! Hope all your wishes come true! Love you.
Happy birthday to you Samantha. I hope you get absolutely shitfaced tonight!

These people warrant more than one sentence so that’s definitely saying something.

Bearhug, Cuddle and Kiss
These are your best friends or the friends that you are so close to that you share the same wardrobe. You have a clearly established relationship with this person and you are not worried to share your feelings with them, as such:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA YOU HOT BITCH. WOOOOO CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT!!
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Samantha, happy birthday to you! Love you baby girl ❤

You may even want to go that extra mile for this person and post a status on your wall dedicated to their birthday, talking about how much you love them, and maybe even add a cute picture of you two for extra oomph.

So next time you see Joe down the street and you think “How do I greet him?”, just think, “What would I write on his Facebook wall on his birthday?” Problem solved. You’re welcome.

– by The Black Widow