Fad Off!

I’ve lived in Sydney since I was 9 years old and during my tenure here, I’ve seen many different trends or fads come and go. A few people who are as mindless as they are impressionable have followed these trends until the cows came home while I’ve remained indifferent about whatever’s “in” or “hip” – because people still use the word hip anyway. I’ve been quite comfortable in my own skin and style.

Anywho, here are a list of trends that have come and gone and haven’t been touched by me in any shape or form.

I live in a double-storey suburban house and I’m gangsta

These kids trapped in a struggle... and so on and so forth.

These kids trapped in a struggle… and so on and so forth.

Remember when Joel Turner (picture above) came out with the hit song “These Kids” and suddenly everyone wore their pants down around their knees with thick, obnxious chains around their necks? Enter the “Gangsta Beatboxing Street Artist” fad. I specifically remember boys who had no interest in rap and urban music all of a sudden profess their admiration for 50 Cent and Eminem just because it was the “in” thing back in the day. These tryhards would spit and heave and try to claim that as beatboxing when really, it sounded as if someone was losing a lung. Breakdancing was also a popular thing for the Gangsta Beatboxing Street Artists who, as hard as they tried, couldn’t master the truly wonderful art. Speaking of art, it became cool to tag walls with $2 spray paint with some terrible logos or even worse, your own initials.

As you’re picturing all of this in your head, aren’t you glad this fad died out?

Only cool people slash their wrists

Anyone spare a blade?

Anyone spare a blade?

Why, pray tell me, did self-harm become a fad? Shortly after the gangsta species faded out, in came the Emos. Long fringes, black clothes and body odour from here to Raleigh, North Carolina. While the emo genre was underground previously, artists like Dashboard Confessional rose this fad to international stardom. Along with this “popular trend” came the music subgenre of “screamo”, which was basically someone screaming whilst instruments accompanied the ear-damaging lyrics. For some reason, however, people took this as an opportunity to make self-harm cool; red cut lines across the wrist were almost as common as breathing during this time and people would even boast about how damn emo they were by posting pictures of their self harm on MySpace (which was Emo Haven back in the day). The emos lasted a bit longer than the gangstas, and I can proudly say I took absolutely nothing from this culture. I wore painted-on jeans before emos were even born. #totesamaze #craycray

The Beach Boys would be so proud… or not

Oooohhh surferrrr girrrrl...

Oooohhh surferrrr girrrrl…

Roxy. Billabong. Ripcurl. Rusty. Basically any brand that is currently available at your local City Beach. There was a time when surfing became the “in thing” and all the boys in the yard were wearing these surfer brands to look cool and would walk around with a surfboard despite having no talent on it whatsoever. These guys and gals would lay out on the beach to get that “I’m totes a surfer” tan and would lighten their hair to have that surfy look. Meanwhile, here I am with my pale brown skin and dark hair – and I don’t even care.

I get that Home and Away makes it look like every Australian underneath the shining sun goes surfing but I have never touched a surfboard in my life and have no real interest in getting thrashed from a body of water.

Aesthetics because no one cares about brains anymore

I don't mind Zyzz as a person, but really.

I didn’t mind Zyzz as a person, but really.

Okay so I remember a time when people didn’t really care about how big their pecs were or how bulging their biceps were. Everyone was just lax about being their size, big or small. Nowadays, people are hitting the gym just for the social factor and not for the concept of getting physically fit. Big bulky men (or women) are as common as breathing now and it’s come to the point where muscles aren’t even attractive anymore. With the introduction of (stupid) phrases like “Do you even lift” and “She squats bro” suggest that people in the current day and age are more concerned about what’s on the outside than what’s on the inside. I’d prefer to have a conversation with a brain than a bicep to be honest but that’s just me.

I joined a gym to look like Candice Swanepoel (NOTE: not possible), not to fit in with the clouds that hang around my area. I decided that food is much better than exercise so my relationship with the gym ended not too long ago. I’m pretty sure I did more exercise than the bodybuilders that went there to look at themselves in the mirror and get hard-ons over themselves.

***

I’m pretty sure there are other fads that I’ve overlooked but really, these three were the worst that I can remember. To use an overused motivational quote that frequently sees my Facebook news feed: “You were born original, why die a copy?” Case and point.

– by The Black Widow

The Different Paths to a Man’s Heart

“The way to a man’s heart is through stomach and sports.”
Two Can Play That Game, 2001
film

The wise words of Shante Smith are so accurate. Ladies, pay good attention to this. You see that guy over there that you’ve been dying to make yours but you don’t know how to seize him, leash him and place a nice “OWNED” sticker on his forehead? (NOTE: not really). SolSat is here to help you win a man’s heart.

Do as I say and you will have your man in the palm of your hand, much like Shonte here.

Do as I say and you will have your man in the palm of your hand, much like Shante here.

A man’s gotta eat!
Men like to eat. Men like food. Men like to eat food. Now don’t take this as a sexist “I am not becoming a 50s housewife and delegating myself back to the kitchen” kind of thing because it’s not like that. It’s simple: men love food. Surprise the man with your stellar cooking skills and invite him over for a fabulous dinner. If you are kitchenally challenged, don’t worry – if you have to sneak in some takeaway through the back door, slap it on a plate and call it your own, go for it. The happier the man’s stomach, the happier the man. Ask around for his favourite dish and “just happen” to cook that for him and he’ll be putty in your hand.

Up the Broncos!
Can I just say that anyone who has the same passion and fire for rugby league will automatically shoot into my favourites list, especially if they have the same love for the Broncos, All Blacks or any of my other sporting teams. Most men love their sports or at least have an interest in it, and nothing is sexier than a woman who knows the difference between league and union or how to kick a solid 40m conversion. In saying that, don’t go out of your way to impress him with sports knowledge if you literally have none – nothing is more painful to watch than girls babbling about how they love sports and the only athlete they know is Sonny Bill Williams. Bitch please. NOTE: don’t overdo it, otherwise you might friendzone yourself.

The endangered species of the girl gamer
Just as much as men love sports, they also love their video games – if not made apparent by the gazillions of “He broke my heart so I broke his Xbox”-esque pages on Facebook. Wow the man with your team deathmatch skills on COD and your impressive knowledge on the Tarkatan clan from Mortal Kombat.  Just the same as sports, don’t over do it in case of friendzoning.

Love me, love me, say that you love me
No I am not advocating you walk up to a random man at a bar and say “Oh my god I think I love you”. That’s creepy. No, what I’m saying is to appreciate your desired man by complimenting him and making him feel as if he’s the only one.  While this sounds very feminine and most men wouldn’t openly admit to feeling like this, the truth is that most men like being treated like royalty and will most likely want to wife you if you do so.

Most importantly: be yourself
I know this may seem a bit contradictory as it appears that I’m telling you to change yourself for the sake of a man, but that’s not my intention. If you don’t want to get off your arse and cook or watch a game of footy, don’t. However, it’s always wise to use your talents and knowledge to your advantage. Men (at least, the good ones) can see through an act so if you’re trying too hard to be someone you aren’t, they’ll see through that and be turned off. Nothing is more appealing than a woman who is comfortable in her own skin and does not apologise for being herself. Men will appreciate this and will like this about you.

In interviewing some men for this post, I found a couple that said “they aren’t won over too easily”, so follow my rules and that man will change his ways and be putty in your hands. Putty, I tells ya.

– by The Black Widow

How to Get Dumped (On Purpose!)

This one’s for the ladies out there.

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

This is the desired effect, minus the falling in love at the end part. (CREDIT: issye Flickr page)

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who is a nice guy and everything but you weren’t feeling that spark anymore? You really wanted to end things with him but didn’t have the heart to dump him because he was such a quality bloke? Or what about that guy you had a one night stand with and, thinking that was going to be it, you walk off and start receiving calls and messages from him saying “You’re not like any other girl he’s ever met”. You’re too kind to flip him the bird… so what do you do?

Well, if you’re either one of those girls, it’s simple: make him want to dump you. Inspired by one of my favourite movies How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, I am here to give the women out there tips and advice on how to make a guy find you so darn repulsive and irritating that he will be running away with his tail in between his legs.

Smother him in front of his friends
Men like to appear very unattached and masculine in front of their friends, so if you were to drop by at a footy night at his place with a basket full of muffins and strawberry milkshakes made for him and all of his friends, chances are you will nearly embarrass the man to death. Ask “pookie” if he wants you to tuck him into bed later that night or read him a bedtime story. Tell “sugarmuffin” how much you absolutely love him in front of his friends and recall a time where he was so romantic that his friends laugh. Cuddle up to him on the couch while he’s trying to watch his beloved Brisbane Broncos play the Bulldogs and continue interrupting his game by kissing him or telling him how cutesy wutesy he looks.

Channel your inner Cher Horowitz
You’ve seen Clueless right? About the vapid blonde who has a heart of gold? Well, amplify that by about 1000x and tell your man how absolutely horrified you were that the Manolo Blahnik’s you thought were on sale were actually mispriced. Errgh, what a tragedy! Men aren’t interested in your girly dilemmas and most likely will not understand them. No man will happily sit through a lecture about the differences between wax and laser hair removal, or why wearing lip gloss and lip stainer creates a better effect than lipstick. Bore him to tears with your femininity and he will be pissbolting out that door before you can even say Chanel.

Baby talk
Men like being men; strong, adult humans of the XY chromosome, so talking to them as if they’re cute puppies or adorable little toddlers will drive them insane. His name’s Michael? Not anymore! It’s Mikeypoobear from now on! Chris? Chrissyboy! David? Daveywavey! Also in reference to “Smothering him in front of his friends”, vamp up the baby talk so bad that you may even forget that he is actually a full-time working businessman. Grab those cheeks of his at the most inappropriate times and shout “GOOCHY GOOCHY GOO” and I will assure you, the last thing he is thinking is how much he wants to be with you.

Bring the future to you
You know what scares a man even more than a scary clown bed? The future, more specifically, paving his future from him. Sit him down with a nice bowl of strawberry ice-cream and tell him how you plan on moving to Los Angeles to follow your dream of becoming an actress after getting married to him in a traditional family wedding with four bridesmaids and groomsmen. When you’re living in Los Angeles, of course, he will be staying at home with your six children being the househusband because your aspirations are much more important than his. Your children will naturally be in the order of a boy, a girl, two boys, and two girls, and you would even know the names of these children whilst having this conversation over strawberry ice-cream. After finishing this discussion, if he is still sitting there… the man has issues.

Pointless phone calls and other forms of communication
Call that man in the middle of the night when he is trying to get some important Z’s in and tell him what you had to eat that entire day and whether or not he thinks you’re overweight or not. Write on his Facebook wall every 2 minutes with a cute love heart or smiley face or even both put together! Flood his text inbox with messages asking him what he is doing and whether he is thinking about you. Leave a dozen or so voicemessages on his phone asking where he is and why he isn’t answering his phone. I can’t think of a worse punishment to be honest.

Irrational jealousy
Jealousy is commonly associated with the colour green. You want to appear so green that the Hulk would be jealous of your cool tan. Call your man and when he picks up on the second ring, accuse him of cheating on you because he didn’t answer on the first. Ask for his Facebook password and when he questions why? Tell him it’s because he has other females as friends on Facebook and you want to see if any of them are inboxing him. Grill him for being closer with his mother than he is with you – because that’s a completely rational thought to have, right?

As you are reading this, I expect a few men will be cringing and even a few women might, because nothing would be more painful than having to sit through all of that for someone you apparently love. If that doesn’t work? Slap a restraining order on the bloke because there is no way someone sane will hang around after doing all that to him!

– by The Black Widow

How to Talk Yourself out of a Fine

There is an art to talking your way out of a fine, whether that be for speeding, careless driving or something as little as driving with no plates on. Obviously, this will probably not apply to the heavier fines like going 100 km/h over the speed limit or driving on the wrong side of the road, but you can sure as hell try these tips if you want.

SolSat is here to save your pennies!

SolSat is here to save your pennies!

I’d like to think that I have experience in this department as I have successfully charmed my way out of two fines in my life. In one instance, I got my way out of a whopper by smiling, giggling, genuinely apologising for what I had done and charming the shoes off both of the officers that had stopped me. This may be awkward because I don’t even think I told my parents about these… oops.

Girls think that all they have to do is wear a low cut top and wiggle their chest around but unless they have a valid excuse to back that up, it’s not going to work. That is the key to talking your way out of a fine – you can’t just sweet-talk, you have to have an excuse. For example, if you were caught speeding, blame the other guy behind you who was honking at you to go faster. This is the foundation of getting out of a fine so when you see those lights and hear that siren, think of something – fast.

Another misconception of fine escaping is sucking up to the officer. Please don’t. They see right through that and will be quicker to slap a fine on you faster than you can say “You look very lovely tonight”. If you’re going to chat to the officer, be sorry – I mean absolutely sorry. Apologize for whatever you had done, throw in your excuse in there somewhere, say you’ll never do it again. Show through your actions how sorry you are. May I suggest dramatic hand gestures?

Now this may seem a little degrading or even ridiculous to some, but it wouldn’t hurt if you temporarily decreased your IQ by about 10 points when pulled over. The po-po are more likely to fine someone who is wildly aware of the crime they have committed but they’ll probably be more lenient on someone who is blissfully unaware of what they had done. Example: “I switched lanes without proper indication? Get out, I didn’t even notice”. Worked for me. In saying that, if you sound like you’re being facetious by saying “I didn’t know red meant stop”, then you will be fined. Blissfully unaware, not moronic.

Now for a piece of advice you are told in nearly every aspect of life: smile. Smile when they approach you, smile when they speak to you. Why? Because if you’re sitting there with a sullen look on your face looking like a great target for boxing practice, then they won’t want to deal with you and fine you so fast your head will be spinning. In regards to smiling, also speak positively to the police. Don’t cry “Wo is me!” for being pulled over. Keep up a happy disposition even though your insides are doing flips and you may just get out of losing a few hundred buckeroos. The police like it when you speak to them with respect.

The next time you are caught with reckless driving or doing something else unlawful on the roads, remember these easy tips and you may drive away scot free. Don’t forget to breathe and smile and greet the officer. And always remember: HAVE AN EXCUSE READY! SolSat won’t be there to help you.

– by The Black Widow